Not sure where to start

[AnotherStander]

Your sitch is very similar to mine. I still remember the astonishment of hearing my loving wife, who only a few months before told me through tears that I couldn't let anything happen to myself because she would rather die than live on without me, tell me she was done trying and wanted out of the marriage. First let me say that she really is done (although she might change her mind much later). This isn't a fleeting thought, she isn't going to change her mind tomorrow. There are no quick fixes, so take a deep breath and settle in for a long haul. Her emotions are controlling things now, there is no logical argument you can make to her that will have any impact whatsoever. All you can do is read and follow DR and give her plenty of time and space. Do 180's on whatever issues you had in the M no matter how trivial they may seem to you. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. And be VERY patient.

That is until just over 2 months ago when she told me she no longer wanted to be with me. It happened at a time when I was feeling down and was looking for reassurance from her.

That is similar to what happened to me. I was in depression, I can see that now looking back but I didn't realize it at the time. I needed a lot of support and reassurance from her and I think that neediness pushed her away. Hard to say if it was THE thing that triggered BD. But regardless, neediness is VERY unattractive. So you've got to stow it!

I convinced her there were things that could be done and she agreed to go to counseling.

WAS's usually do agree to MC, but the reason they go is to prove just how done the M is.

For the last month she has gone to counseling, but basically only to say that she is done and she is not even willing to try.

Sounds so familiar, the exact words my W said in counseling over and over again were "I just don't want to try."

but then she always follows it up with "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings"

It's eery how similar our sitches are, I heard that a lot. I also heard "I just want you to be happy." Although when she said that she meant happy without her.

I asked her if there was someone else she wanted to date or wanted to be with and she said there was not.

She's probably lying.

While we have been gone, she has had family members come over for a type of 'intervention' as she called it.

Oh wow, little do they realize they just pushed her farther away from you. There has got to be NO PRESSURE. Do not talk to mutual friends and family about your sitch, just say things like "we're having some trouble and we're trying to work through it." If they press for more just say it's a private matter and you can't talk about it. Only discuss it here or with friends that have no attachment to your family or W.

Apparently it did not go well.

It never does.

She sent me a message after they left telling me they were there and that things did not go well and she felt all alone because now they are very upset with her. I tried to tell her that she is not alone and that they love her and they don't want to see her hurt or to make a mistake that affects so many people.

I know you thought you were doing the right thing, but you weren't. You were arguing with her feelings. She said she feels alone, you said she's not alone, everyone is there for her. Do you see? You told her that her feelings were wrong. Instead you need to "validate". Don't agree/ disagree/ beg/ plead/ negotiate/ etc. Just confirm and validate. Something like "I can see why that would make you feel lonely, I'm really sorry you feel that way."

she asked specifically how I was doing. I was honest and said not real well.

This is all about HER feelings. DO NOT share your bad feelings with her. Show her strength, confidence, contentment, PMA at all times. Be clean, freshly shaven, smelling good and dressed well at all times.

I asked how she was and she said she was ok, but tired from not sleeping also.

Good, ALWAYS ask her about her feelings, and remember to validate when she talks about them.

My wife has continually said that I deserve someone that is going to love me completely for who I am and always want to be with me and do things with and for me. I have continually said I don't want to be with anyone else.

Stop that kind of talk ASAP. Next time say "in due time" or something like that.

It is like we are in a stale mate. She wants me to agree to split and I refuse.

It's not a stalemate because you can't stop her from leaving. So don't try to. Don't push her out, but don't try to force her to stay either. Make it clear that it's her choice.