Wiley, KAW, Sue, Water, Pattie, Bwriter...any and all,
Thanks so much for visiting my thread and offering continued support. This BB is a great refuge and I am learning so much from all of you.
Today I was busy with tennis, work, and errands. Tonight I have a meeting with my ALPHA group....great Christian support. so, I'm looking forward to that.
H calls me everyday....yes, everyday! He hasn't done that for a very long time. He starts the conv. about the kids. He forwards his emails to and from our kids to me, so I'm informed on all their corrospondence. I said I would do the same, but the kids mostly call me, not email. I give him updates from their calls. Then, today, for the first time since he moved, he asked "How are you doing?" I said, "I'm doing ok, staying busy." I asked him how he was doing (following his lead) and he said "Up and down" He didn't offer much more than that, so I changed the subject and we talked about cars, dog, weather.
He said, "take care" I said "you too." That's all, but we are communicating ok.
He plans to come here Sat afternoon, that's when our s is showing up from college....we'll give him the big news then. He said should we have dinner, I said sure, that's a good idea.
Sooo....taking each day at a time, trying to keep busy....getting sick of the grey days around here.
Quote: H calls me every day...yes, every day! He hasn't done that for a very long time.
Hmmm, thats odd.. , because..not too long ago..
Quote: He said "we probably should give each other space for the first SEVERAL weeks and then get together & have a quality discussion.
Him calling you everyday sure doesn't sound like a guy that needs his space..LOL..I would continue to let him INITIATE all the contact as you have been, handle the conversations like you have been, ALWAYS act upbeat, and ever so often give the subtle IMPRESSION that this seperation remarkably seems to be doing WONDERS for you ... and ALWAYS be the first one to politely say you have to run or whatever you can do to HANG UP FIRST..keeps you in control of things rather than allowing him to always dictate...I'd also maybe let a few of his calls go unanswered just so he can't assume he can get a hold of you when its conducive for him..Of course you can call him back, but try and mix it up a little, you get the drift..
No R talk, No M talk outside of the kids, and just keep staying busy..
You are doing a PERFECT job under the circumstances..
Thanks Wiley.....I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Your continued support and specifics keep me on track each day, you're right this dbing works! Appreciate you checking in and will get in touch soon.
I have been doing fine this week, considering I came home to an empty house, h left last Sat while I was out of town. REally been holding up well.
HOWEVER, right now I need to vent.....H and I have been talking each day this week, mostly about kids and telling our s this week-end. I've made the calls to s to ask him to come home for the week-end, so we could catch up. At first s said he couldn't, then seemed to realize the seriousness and at the last minute changed his plans. S called me an hour ago and said he would be home tonight at 6pm rather than Sat...like he previously had thought. H and I had planned he come here Sat too, so we could let s know of our separation, etc. Ok....not the real RANT....
I left a message at h's office for him to call me. H just called, I gave him the scoup, H breathed a heavy sigh....said he didn't like s "jerking" the plans around, but knew that s didn't realize what he was coming home to. He also said maybe I should talk to s and he would come here tomorrow and have a quality discussion with s. I was very quiet.....I thought that was a Shi!!y idea. (didn't say so).. Then I said, well, I had plans for tonight that I just cancelled, but he had to decide what he should do. Quiet again on the phone...then I said "well I have an opinion about this, would you like to hear it?" H said "yes, of course".....I said "Well we asked s to come home, he changed his plans for the week-end on our request and now he is coming. I also changed my plans for tonight....so I think it would be best if you were here too." Long pause.....(sh!t, he's got plans!) Then he kind of cut me off, cuz I started to repeat myself (ya, I know I shouldn't have)...then h said "OK....that's what I'll do." Then I asked about me fixing dinner, etc. H said that would be fine. Man....he is really pi$$ing me off....he moves out, and I get to do all the dirty work with the kids! UGH!!
Well, now I've got about 2-3 hours to get my act together...plan a meal....and de-escalate. I hate this situation I'm in....as we all do, I know.
Thanks for hanging in there and reading this....I just needed to let it fly!
Let it fly anytime. You do realize that with s staying with you, you will be having more "talk" time. Your H really does need to be there tonight . IMHO, he needs to schedule some one on one time with your son this weekend, too.
Take charge, girl! Will be thinking about you! Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
You handled that whole thing PERFECTLY, its OK to stand up for the FAMILY, and you did it in a calm, yet firm tone, which garnered you some respect. If he wants to move out thats one thing, but the KIDS are not to come second, PERIOD. Gotta set those boundaries...
So, thats passed, now you move onto dealing with your S, and I know how tender thats going to be, but somehow, you'll find a way to hold things together...
Good luck, hang in there, this is just another bend in a long road...
Quote: Well, now I've got about 2-3 hours to get my act together...plan a meal....and de-escalate. I hate this situation I'm in....as we all do, I know.
Fly anytime, that is why we are all here, to keep each other airborne lest we crash on the WAS in a burning heap of metal.
I do like you told him how you felt and he needed to be there. He was pissed, but you cannot be pissed at yourself or let loose tomorrow because you did not say anything.
I suspect it was reflex; but I would not have offered to make dinner.
HI THERE EVERYONE (Pattie, Wiley, Water & bwriter)...thanks for the great responses last night. Before I went to bed, I quickly got on the BB and read them....the support brought tears to my eyes....good tears!
This morning, thought I'd update:
H took the train here, scrambled and got here at 5:30. We talked for about an hour....he was crabby at first (said people at work are unhappy and making his life difficult) Hmmmmm (ow?) So I stayed quiet, then he shared bits and pieces of it....no names just simple overview. I validated and listened carefully. Then we talked about s and how to enter the discussion. He asked me if I minded if he took the lead in the conv. I said, that would be good, that he is good at these family communication overviews (which he always had been over the years). S got in, hugs all around. He was chatty, but knew something was up. Asked to talk before dinner. The 3 of us sat down at the table, H started in. "Your mom and I are still dealing with US...we're communicating and getting along well....but both have agreed we are kind of STUCK in the mud" Then he went on to explain our whole history....how we fell madly in love when we first met, were together 3 yrs, then decided we wanted to commit to each other and have a family together. He went on and on about raising young kids, the work and love and constant energy it takes. He kept mentioning our R love throughout...(?) then said about 5 yrs ago, when Mom stopped working and his job responsibilities increased, that he and I both started putting our energy more into ourselves (and always into the kids) and didn't take care of our R and nuture like we should have. He said last yr was a big "wake-up" call for both of us....and we've had some pain realizing that our spark for each other was...(he looked at me) and I said "dim" He asked s to try to understand and continue to be patient with us and that we thought the only way to get "unstuck" was for H to move into an apt...and sort things out. He also went onto say he was in 3 ruts.....his own (so life, no outlets) his work (too much of a workaholic...escape of sorts) and then US...(dim spark in R) That we both want more than that and he has to sort himself out, get out of his ruts, and then see if our R has enough to re-ignite the spark.
There was more, but that is the highlights. I added some...we were all calm. S was amazing!! really! He listened closely, then said "you guys have to figure out your stuff on your own.....I'm building my life and loving the college life I'm involoved in....friends, frat, classes, independence, etc. So, I'm keeping busy and I plan to stay out of you stuff.
We had a simple dinner (tacos)...by the way H suggested take-out so I wouldn't have to cook....but S wanted Mom's cooking (even tacos?!?) We had a pleasant dinner. Talked sports, events, etc. (It felt like the olden days )
When s went upstairs to unpack, H asked me how I thought it went, and how I thought he communicated with S. I said, it went way better than I had anticipated and I was really impressed with his sensitivity for S. (which I was) He is good at this stuff....really much better at diplomacy than I am.
H left around 8:30 and asked if we wanted him to come here Sun for brunch and to hang out with s. We both agreed that would be fine. H also made plans to meet me for breakfast or lunch next Wed...(he has a dentist appt) in the area....I said lunch, that I had a staff mtg in the a.m. He also asked about meeting for dinner some evening in the next 2 weeks (half-way) to talk about how we are both doing. I said fine.
After H left, S asked me how was I doing. I said, pretty good....that this was hard for both of us. He and I might go to the Passion movie today....
Well, gotta go, this is long enough. I have a meeting with someone in 15 minutes.
Mooka
P.S. Just wanted you to know, I kept my cool, was in pleasant spirits throughout.....worked out my anger before-hand THANKS to all of you and this BB!
, because..not too long ago.. 
