I have been married for 13 years next month. We have five children together ranging in age 12 to 4. Although I would never say that things have always been great, I never thought they were 'bad'.
That is until just over 2 months ago when she told me she no longer wanted to be with me. It happened at a time when I was feeling down and was looking for reassurance from her. The day she told me I would not accept it. I convinced her there were things that could be done and she agreed to go to counseling.
For the first few weeks, after she told me, things were still going ok and I thought there was no need to panic. She was still sleeping in the same bed, she would still give me a kiss every morning before she left for work, we still talked a lot and it seemed ok, although I knew I had work to do.
About a month or so ago she moved out of the bedroom and began sleeping on the couch. Originally she wanted me to sleep elsewhere, but after two nights I went back to the bed and told her that I wasn't sleeping on the couch any more. She moved to the couch instead.
During this time she has displayed all the 'tell tale' signs of at least an emotional affair. She passcode locked her phone, she constantly was texting, any time I would walk by, she would put her phone down so I could not see the screen, then pick it back up as soon as I walked by. She began working out 4 to 6 times a week, bought new clothes, and was genuinely much more concerned about her appearance.
After doing some checking, I found one particular phone number that she had texted over 1200 times last month and was also her most frequent 'snap chat' contact. I was able to track it down to a guy that is 10 years younger than her.
For the last month she has gone to counseling, but basically only to say that she is done and she is not even willing to try. When I try to convince her to try, she gives excuses of why it isn't even worth trying...."I'm not physically attracted to you." "I love you, but I'm not IN love with you" "I haven't loved you for years" "I don't have warm fuzzy feelings in my heart for you", but then she always follows it up with "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings"
This past week was very rough. Again, went to counseling only for her to say she wasn't going to try any more and that I needed to decide how we were moving forward. I asked her for a favor that if it continued in that direction, we would at least try a separation before any legal action was taken. She said she would not agree with that because she felt it was just a stall tactic on my part and would just delay the inevitable. She did at one point during the conversation ask if we were separated if that meant she could date.
I asked her if there was someone else she wanted to date or wanted to be with and she said there was not. I never confrontd her about the text messages. After all of that took place, I took the kids (with her knowledge and permission) and we left on vacation.
While we have been gone, she has had family members come over for a type of 'intervention' as she called it. Trying to tell her what a mistake she is making and how badly she is going to regret this some day. I had talked to her family members and knew they were going to try to go to her and talk to her, but she is the one that had told them originally of her decision, so it wasn't as if I was telling them something she didn't already know.
Apparently it did not go well. She told them all the same things she has said to me. After a while she told them she was done talking about it, however was very emotional during this. She sent me a message after they left telling me they were there and that things did not go well and she felt all alone because now they are very upset with her. I tried to tell her that she is not alone and that they love her and they don't want to see her hurt or to make a mistake that affects so many people.
She texted today just to see how the vacation was going. I said the kids were having fun and she asked specifically how I was doing. I was honest and said not real well. I didn't sleep well at all. I asked how she was and she said she was ok, but tired from not sleeping also. Said she was just laying around the house all day today because she was tired and didn't want to see or talk to anyone.
A family member that had gone over to talk with her for the 'intervention' told me that I should start trying to come to grips with the fact that she isn't going to change her mind and that I need to start planning on my next step.
My wife has continually said that I deserve someone that is going to love me completely for who I am and always want to be with me and do things with and for me. I have continually said I don't want to be with anyone else.
It is like we are in a stale mate. She wants me to agree to split and I refuse.
At some point you two are going to have to come to some agreement and be able to communicate in a way that is best for your kids. You want to be sure you haven't left any stone unturned, before you make the most important decision of your life, which is to split up your family...I suggest you talk to a DB coach as soon as possible, so that you when you are interacting with her, you are doing so in a manner that could bring her closer, not push her any further away. You will feel supported every step of the way and will be given a very direct plan on the best way to go forward. Take good care.
Karen, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 karen@divorcebusting.com
Give me a call if you'd like to schedule an appointment to speak with a Divorce Busting® Coach.
i'm sorry your here, but your about to get a heavy dose of advice. First being buy a copy of divorce remedy!! Know that there is NOTHING you can do right now, but give her time and space. This is also a time that you need to start taking care of yourself, eating, sleeping (get some melatonin to help).
Try to pick up an old hobby, or start a new one. Get out for walks around the block, especially when your not feeling like it. Reconnect with old friends or get out of the house with your current ones. Its important that keep up with the kids, as they'll be aware things just aren't right. Do not bad mouth their mom, as those are paths you wont/don't want to have to explain later.
Follow sandi's 37 steps as best as you can, its gonna take some time to get them down.
Know that this is just starting and you have a LONG ways to go, a lot of work ahead of you, and that you are going to have your good days and bad days. And that's ok, its just part of the process. Read other people posts, don't be afraid to throw some support out there, cause you will get it back tenfold.
Keep making small posts till your off moderation, your posts wont show up immediately until then. Explain, if you can, why you think your wife shut down. What are some of the issues the marriage was having, and what you think you might have done different if you could go back in time. Cause those will be the focus of your 180's (the opposite of what you were doing). Be as brutally honest with yourself in your posts, cause you will get better advice if the vets have a better picture.
We are literally married to the same person...I could've written every word of your post, only my H is doing this, whereas I'm the W. Read Love Must be Touch and Divorce Busting. I only wish I had tried it sooner. When you start to move on she might just realize what she had and want you back asap.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
Hi prayin, I see a lot of similarities in your sitch as in mine as far as my H asking for a divorce and telling me he was physically unattracted to me and there was nothing I could do about it. He wanted me to agree to separate and I refused, telling him I did not want this and would not accept this willingly. My H also is having an EA that is possibly also a PA.
This is a good place to be. It is frustrating being on moderation, but keep posting your thoughts, even if just to vent, because you'll get off moderation faster that way. It also helps me just to let off some steam or stress here! The advice here is probably the opposite of what you want to do or what you think you should do, but the other stuff (begging, crying, pursuing) will just push your W further away.
Good luck with your sitch and keep posting!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
I have read Love must be tough, I think I probably need to reread it though, because as I'm sure everyone does, I do good and then in a weak emotional moment find myself in tears telling her how sad and scared I am to lose her and the kids. I have also read the 5 love languages and I'm working on The Love Dare.
As far as what went wrong, I guess typical stuff. Every once in a while I would get the "I need more help around the house" "We need to be more on the same page with parenting style" "We need to get better control of the finances" etc.....
I would do things better for a while, and then slowly slip back in to the same old routine. Last December or so, she point blank asked me if I wanted to be married to her. I said of course I do. She told me if I wanted to be married and live in our house and live with our kids, those are the things that needed to be fixed. Along with my physical appearance, primarily I had put on weight and she was genuinely concerned about my health.
Again, didn't take it real serious until the first part of May when the weather broke and I decided it was time to work on ME. Began running and at end of the month joined a Crossfit Gym.
The day after she told me that she didn't want to be with me any more, I went to Dr and got on antidepressants. HOLY COW I never realized what a difference it would make. I felt better than I had felt in YEARS! I also had a family meeting. I presented each of the kids and her with a flower and a hand written note promising to be a better dad, better husband, and a better person. I can honestly say I have kept that promise for over 2 months. No more short temper with the kids, a lot more help around the house, just generally better.
She agrees that she can see a huge change in me since that day. Now she says it is no longer about the changes and help she needed from me, it is about her and her being happy.
I see the stories on here and it does give me hope, unfortunately everyone of her friends or family that has talked to her has told me there probably is no hope that they don't see her changing her mind.
I am currently on vacation with the kids. She stayed home as she had no time to take off work. I thought maybe some alone time would let her reflect on things along with seeing what it will be like to go at least a week at a time without seeing the kids.
She has called or texted me every day since we left and even video chatted with the kids before bed one night. I try not to get to crazy when she texts me and keep my responses to the point and not keep going, but I'll be honest, sometimes just having her respond to me is enough for me to want to keep 'chatting'
I have been doing very good though about not texting her first.
I have read through the 37 rules. Obviously I have broken several of them, but I am trying harder every day to follow them. The big one I am working on is trying to avoid calling or texting her first. Especially while I am out of town with the kids. When she texts, I try to keep it simple and to the point. It is hard though, the kids have asked to talk to her or video chat, so that makes it a bit tougher.
The huge changes, but the change in attitude about the relationship are common. Its a phase called "the moving bar" or the "moving target". Right now she see's your changes but doesn't want things to work out, she'll then change the problem to keep you working, so she has an excuse. This can happen over and over again, its important not to talk about your changes, talk has been cheap for a long time. She needs to SEE those changes become permanent.
She is going to waffle a LOT over the next few months, its very important that you keep working on the changes, lovingly detach, and work on your life outside the marriage all at the same time. The best thing you can do is, be the BEST father you can, and don't have any expectations that she see it. Do it cause you know you need to.
Sandi's rules aren't just a set of rules to STICK too, but a guideline for now. The changes your making are the opposite of what you were doing in the past. If you didn't help around the house, then get your butt busy and do most the work now for example. The rules are still to be followed, don't get me wrong. But all of our situations are unique in certain ways, even thou overall its almost like their reading out of the same book on ending a marriage.
Your job now it make yourself the husband your wife would be crazy to leave. She needs to see a commitment from you, since in her eyes you've let her down for a very long time. Its gonna take a very long time that what changes your making are permanent and not just another 2-3 month attempt to placate her.
At the same time, for your own good, you need to take care of yourself in a way that you look like your moving on with life, even if its just a major façade for now. You might even make all the changes she wants, and become that person finally, but understand it might be "too little too late" in her eyes. Your in for a VERY LONG emotional ride. Prepare yourself, time is your friend for now, but you have to learn patience, and learn it fast and in a way you cant even comprehend right now.
Understand it took your wife months or even years to finally say its over. So in her eyes, she's fully detached, and half the hard work is already done. Its your turn to Detach, but do it as lovingly as you can, be supportive but not a doormat. You are going to take several figurative kicks to the groin, learn to not be combative and give her the reason to finally end it. Do not interfere with her and the kids, she did it all by herself, in her eyes, for years, so show her your willing to be there for her and the kids.
Understand that she's actually in as much pain as you are, she doesn't want to break up the family, but she's confused as to whether she needs you or not since she's been asking for so long for the help, and you let her down time and time again. This could take a year or two, so mentally prepare.
Keep up with your fitness routine, its a good way to burn off some frustration. But try to squeeze in a hobby or some friends time in there as well. It will add a little mystery to your changes.
When in doubt about what you need to do or say in a situation, pause and ask yourself "Is what im about to do or say gonna make things worse". Cause you want to make sure you don't cause more damage, keep it as neutral as possible.
I'm sure some vets will chime in here with some real advice, but if you can afford it, the coaching offered at top of page is really your BEST option as they will help you tweak things for your own situation, and give you a gameplan on how to proceed. Its more effective than marriage counseling imho.
I know theres a rule in sandi's list, that says never say I love you. But my DB coach told me, for my situation at least, that its ok, as long as its in response to her saying it.
That's why I think the DB coaching is excellent, its great to have someone watching out for just you. Its the tweaking, advice you get that's personalized.
Your sitch is very similar to mine. I still remember the astonishment of hearing my loving wife, who only a few months before told me through tears that I couldn't let anything happen to myself because she would rather die than live on without me, tell me she was done trying and wanted out of the marriage. First let me say that she really is done (although she might change her mind much later). This isn't a fleeting thought, she isn't going to change her mind tomorrow. There are no quick fixes, so take a deep breath and settle in for a long haul. Her emotions are controlling things now, there is no logical argument you can make to her that will have any impact whatsoever. All you can do is read and follow DR and give her plenty of time and space. Do 180's on whatever issues you had in the M no matter how trivial they may seem to you. Make yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. And be VERY patient.
Originally Posted By: prayin4asavior
That is until just over 2 months ago when she told me she no longer wanted to be with me. It happened at a time when I was feeling down and was looking for reassurance from her.
That is similar to what happened to me. I was in depression, I can see that now looking back but I didn't realize it at the time. I needed a lot of support and reassurance from her and I think that neediness pushed her away. Hard to say if it was THE thing that triggered BD. But regardless, neediness is VERY unattractive. So you've got to stow it!
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I convinced her there were things that could be done and she agreed to go to counseling.
WAS's usually do agree to MC, but the reason they go is to prove just how done the M is.
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For the last month she has gone to counseling, but basically only to say that she is done and she is not even willing to try.
Sounds so familiar, the exact words my W said in counseling over and over again were "I just don't want to try."
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but then she always follows it up with "I'm not trying to hurt your feelings"
It's eery how similar our sitches are, I heard that a lot. I also heard "I just want you to be happy." Although when she said that she meant happy without her.
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I asked her if there was someone else she wanted to date or wanted to be with and she said there was not.
She's probably lying.
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While we have been gone, she has had family members come over for a type of 'intervention' as she called it.
Oh wow, little do they realize they just pushed her farther away from you. There has got to be NO PRESSURE. Do not talk to mutual friends and family about your sitch, just say things like "we're having some trouble and we're trying to work through it." If they press for more just say it's a private matter and you can't talk about it. Only discuss it here or with friends that have no attachment to your family or W.
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Apparently it did not go well.
It never does.
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She sent me a message after they left telling me they were there and that things did not go well and she felt all alone because now they are very upset with her. I tried to tell her that she is not alone and that they love her and they don't want to see her hurt or to make a mistake that affects so many people.
I know you thought you were doing the right thing, but you weren't. You were arguing with her feelings. She said she feels alone, you said she's not alone, everyone is there for her. Do you see? You told her that her feelings were wrong. Instead you need to "validate". Don't agree/ disagree/ beg/ plead/ negotiate/ etc. Just confirm and validate. Something like "I can see why that would make you feel lonely, I'm really sorry you feel that way."
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she asked specifically how I was doing. I was honest and said not real well.
This is all about HER feelings. DO NOT share your bad feelings with her. Show her strength, confidence, contentment, PMA at all times. Be clean, freshly shaven, smelling good and dressed well at all times.
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I asked how she was and she said she was ok, but tired from not sleeping also.
Good, ALWAYS ask her about her feelings, and remember to validate when she talks about them.
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My wife has continually said that I deserve someone that is going to love me completely for who I am and always want to be with me and do things with and for me. I have continually said I don't want to be with anyone else.
Stop that kind of talk ASAP. Next time say "in due time" or something like that.
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It is like we are in a stale mate. She wants me to agree to split and I refuse.
It's not a stalemate because you can't stop her from leaving. So don't try to. Don't push her out, but don't try to force her to stay either. Make it clear that it's her choice.
