The huge changes, but the change in attitude about the relationship are common. Its a phase called "the moving bar" or the "moving target". Right now she see's your changes but doesn't want things to work out, she'll then change the problem to keep you working, so she has an excuse. This can happen over and over again, its important not to talk about your changes, talk has been cheap for a long time. She needs to SEE those changes become permanent.
She is going to waffle a LOT over the next few months, its very important that you keep working on the changes, lovingly detach, and work on your life outside the marriage all at the same time. The best thing you can do is, be the BEST father you can, and don't have any expectations that she see it. Do it cause you know you need to.
Sandi's rules aren't just a set of rules to STICK too, but a guideline for now. The changes your making are the opposite of what you were doing in the past. If you didn't help around the house, then get your butt busy and do most the work now for example. The rules are still to be followed, don't get me wrong. But all of our situations are unique in certain ways, even thou overall its almost like their reading out of the same book on ending a marriage.
Your job now it make yourself the husband your wife would be crazy to leave. She needs to see a commitment from you, since in her eyes you've let her down for a very long time. Its gonna take a very long time that what changes your making are permanent and not just another 2-3 month attempt to placate her.
At the same time, for your own good, you need to take care of yourself in a way that you look like your moving on with life, even if its just a major façade for now. You might even make all the changes she wants, and become that person finally, but understand it might be "too little too late" in her eyes. Your in for a VERY LONG emotional ride. Prepare yourself, time is your friend for now, but you have to learn patience, and learn it fast and in a way you cant even comprehend right now.
Understand it took your wife months or even years to finally say its over. So in her eyes, she's fully detached, and half the hard work is already done. Its your turn to Detach, but do it as lovingly as you can, be supportive but not a doormat. You are going to take several figurative kicks to the groin, learn to not be combative and give her the reason to finally end it. Do not interfere with her and the kids, she did it all by herself, in her eyes, for years, so show her your willing to be there for her and the kids.
Understand that she's actually in as much pain as you are, she doesn't want to break up the family, but she's confused as to whether she needs you or not since she's been asking for so long for the help, and you let her down time and time again. This could take a year or two, so mentally prepare.
Keep up with your fitness routine, its a good way to burn off some frustration. But try to squeeze in a hobby or some friends time in there as well. It will add a little mystery to your changes.
When in doubt about what you need to do or say in a situation, pause and ask yourself "Is what im about to do or say gonna make things worse". Cause you want to make sure you don't cause more damage, keep it as neutral as possible.
I'm sure some vets will chime in here with some real advice, but if you can afford it, the coaching offered at top of page is really your BEST option as they will help you tweak things for your own situation, and give you a gameplan on how to proceed. Its more effective than marriage counseling imho.
