I have been taking a bit of a break from the Board. Other parent is still in hospital and between that and other commitments, there seems to be little time to relax.
Yesterday was one year from BD. A whole year. In some ways, that time has seemed to drag but in other ways, without a calendar to tell me its been a year, I would not guess it. I think the Mayans were onto something with their "end of the world" theory. My life as I knew it certainly ended - so many losses.
How am I a year later? Well, I learned that it takes more time than I ever suspected to get over the pain of losing someone in such a traumatic way. I still get that feeling of disbelief that a relationship that I felt was so strong was so easily thrown away.
Unfortunately for me, I never quite bought into the "alien fog"/"doesn't know what he is doing" aspect of MLC. I believe he does and did know what he was doing - he just did not care enough not to destroy me in the process. His leaving was not what bothers me the most - it was the way he did it. I do believe MLC exists and I do believe it is a struggle.
Even at the very beginning of this journey, I knew that I would be fine. What I want is to be better than fine. The only bit that I am not sure I have very much faith in is in meeting someone else that I can share my life with. That innocence is gone and so is my immediate trust.
But I am rebuilding my life as best I can.
If I have any advice for the newbies, it is this: Take your time on this journey of yours. The fading of the pain is gradual and will take time. If you need to read this Board 20 hours a day for a week - let yourself do it, learn what you can and then back away. The answer we all really want - will my spouse/partner come back? - is not here.
For all of the similar patterns in MLC and scripts that they follow, there is NO prediction of outcome. There are certain situations that may give you a better chance, but the true answer you seek needs a true crystal ball.
A year later, I have learned many lessons. Some of them necessary. But the price for those lessons was very, very high. And I am not yet at a point where I would say that it has been worth it.
My xSO has not been in touch for almost four months now, aside from one text exchange almost two months ago. I did try to text him but there was no response. He obviously wants his freedom from me. I am giving it to him, although sometimes I still feel like reaching out.
While I assume that he is still with the GF, I don't know. I don't even know if he has moved in with her, as he hinted at before. It feels strange that I know nothing of his life when not so long ago, I knew it intimately.
