Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part IV)

[AnotherStander]

W is having surgery tomorrow morning. I talked it over with her and she doesn't want me at the hospital, mainly because she feels a bit overwhelmed and both of our daughters want to be there and no one will be with S10. She didn't get the BRCA results back yet, but decided to proceed with a lumpectomy. So it'll be outpatient surgery. I am going to take S10 over to see her once she gets back home.

W came over last night and I could tell she was really upset, it turns out D16 had gotten a speeding ticket. 75 in a 40. What's worse is W asked her to let her know when she had gotten to her friend's house from work (she was spending the night with a friend) and she told W she was ALREADY there (this was about 1 am). She wasn't. Half an hour later she had to call W and tell her the police would be contacting her, so the lie was blown.

In the past I would have gotten really angry over something like this. One of the things I learned after BD is that W and D's were afraid to tell me about these things. So this has been one of my 180's. I just sat down with W and quietly asked her what she thought we should do. She talked about the punishment she had in mind, I told her I agreed with most of it but thought a couple of parts were too harsh. But she wanted to really teach D16 a lesson, so I told her I'd stand with her on it.

We called D16 and had her come over, we calmly explained the punishment and why we thought it was needed. D16 was REALLY upset, trying hard not to cry but her eyes were welling up. The reason she lied is because she had picked up some boy and was giving him a ride to her friend's house and she thought she'd get in trouble. I told her that the reason we need to know where she is isn't to snoop on her, it's for her safety. I told her about some of the recent abductions in the news and how in some cases no one knew the girl was even missing until 12+ hours later because they weren't being honest about where they were and what they were doing. I told her that if she thought she might get in trouble for something like that, she should just ask us before doing it. Either we would tell her it's OK or we would tell her we're not comfortable with it, but regardless, she wouldn't get in trouble for asking.

After W saw how upset D16 was, she ended up not bringing up the parts of the punishment that I had said were too extreme.

After W left I told D16 that I wanted her to know that I am very proud of her, that she was been really responsible, and that W felt the same way. This incident didn't make us feel any differently about her, we just felt the punishment was needed so she understood how important it was to us. She broke down crying, she felt really bad about putting more stress on W right before her surgery. I just validated, told her I understood why that would upset her.

Wow..!..my W has Om and she says they are just friends as well but I wonder

Look at it this way, if you had a friend and your friend told you his wife had become BFF's with another man and he asked you your opinion, what would you tell him? I have NEVER heard of a wife in a healthy marriage being best buds with another man. It just doesn't happen unless there's trouble in the M, and if it happens then there IS some form of A going on. It could very well not by physical, but an EA is just as damaging to a M.

I guess girls are going to be protective of the Dads for a while even more so with WAS...happening...

I think another thing working against us is the WAW rewriting history. They're busy telling everyone (including our kids) what a crappy person we are as justification for their actions. Meanwhile if we're following DB principals we're saying NOTHING bad about them. So everyone sees us as a real piece of shtako (bonus points if you get the reference ) and them as a saint for putting up with so much for so long. So if they start dating, well they DESERVE to be with someone that treats them right. But if we start dating, well we're just being a piece of shtako, LOL! It's really tough being a LBS.

W has admitted that having someone else treat her nicely have her the strength to finally pull the trigger.

That's just her fog talking. I treated her as well as anyone ever will and better than most would. She only sees OM a couple of times a week, it's easy to believe someone treats you like a princess when you see them infrequently. That is just so utterly different than living with someone and sharing the responsibilities of running a household and raising children. A strong, responsible husband seems like a real asset at first, but after years and years that assertive behavior is seen as "controlling" and "manipulative" by a WAW. It's easy for an OM to appear to be the opposite of that, because he's not involved with any of the things that make a husband appear controlling. Will she ever come out of the fog? Probably not, she's quite happy with her new life.

You are such a strong person and a great example though for others. Thank you for all the communication help. I learned more from validating from you then any book I read.

Thank you, I'm so glad to hear I helped you in some small way