NERO here- don't let me float away anybody

[RosaLinda]

I am truly sorry for upsetting you Nero. I consider you a very dear friend, and would not do that on purpose for the world. Please forgive me.

[RosaLinda]

It must be so strange to go "home" and feel so out of place there. Is your H living in the home you lived in together? It must be so sad to see the place all run down and the garden overgrown. 

You say you wonder if he's "truly just a fragile human being working out something big, a selfish ratty little boy - or a selfish pig of a man"  Maybe he's a bit of each but mostly depressed? The absolute lack of physical touching seems so strange to me Nero. So not-man-like. I would think a man would be glad to have sex (not ML just sex) even if he does not love his W. it seems so strange and depressed to me. 

Why did you leave FL Nero? Was it because of your mom?

[nero]

heyhi-

(i'll try and answer about the house up north- it''ll probably be long - so feel free not to read any any point & just run away. - and if he turns up- i'll leave fast0)

firstly i'm not in the least offended or mad- get that notion rite out of your little head- you're good with me linda. you seem like the sweetest of gals, who in the world would ever be offended? you're nice- it's a wonderful trait-

i don't know about the depressed bit- i cannot see it- but then, that's me.

he's something tho - idk what? i'm still thinking that he lost his way when retired. had an office and a bunch of e3mployees as his daytime place to be and thing to be (lawyer- own firm)

then he retired and "lost himself" and blamed it on me. he retired by choice and plan- he says he's glad he did. his fofice was his domain - then he came home to my domain and took over - hostile takeover by the way-

alllllllll of a sudden this place i totally took care of - everything- was n ot big enough for both of us.

he HAD TO ( felt) make it his place . s omething like he never had siblings or shared one darn thing in life- nothing- and then when he left the office - (possibly where he had freedom alllll those years to flirt & conduct - well, whatever) he didn't have that kind of freedom here?

just guessing- idk about the depressing- i never saw any indication -

BUT ANYUWAY_ THE NJ HOUSE. when we met - it was in FL . i'd moved there with my ex-husband. a carpenter who wanted to be able to work outside and not die of cold in winter innj.

anyway- we met at office- (oh crap- did i say that? his trollling ground apparently for action) (all retrospect here- but geeeez linda- about 38 yrs too late to know what i see)

anyway- we met- true love- divorced old h - had my own apartment for a year- seriously not-rich but got along- paid my own way- an interesting experience -

he was great - he'd call every nite after work and ask why i wasn't there (his apt. ) instead of mine? he DID pursue.

solife was great - he was a guy who always had a major plan. from day one - DAY ONE - "the plan" was work hard, save &l ive modestly and then when we were 40 or so, we'd retire and "we will live anywhere you want to". that was him to me. no kidding-h eard it many times - believed and believed. i never picked fla and never loved it- just tolerated it. too darn hot & no seasons -nothing but old people- heat & blazing sun every stinking day of every stinking year...

that is all i can say for myself. THEN we become 40, 41, 42 and i'm feeling a bit blue about still studk in fla. the heat is oppressive and i'm fair, blue eyes , red hair, no tan, faint when it's over 90s - it's just summers stink down here- can't go out and go aabout comfortably, etc. (or so i felt then anyway)

sooooo- i was waking up in the mornings feeling like crying- i was ready for that change- to move somewhere normal with seasons (i miss seasons like mad) - ready to have a garden- ohyeah- forgot also.

he always had commitment problems - but i did too. i felt trapped married to ex-hus. had just gotten divorced- the not getting married thing didn't seem to be a deal breaker for me. i figur3ed in time he'd realize how good we were together- whatever.

sooooo - 42, kind of depressed (me), no change in sight, nothing to break this hot hot sink-hole life in florida -

so finally i get to a point and just ask - thinking if nothing changes, no ability to j ust get out of here sometimes, i'm possibly gonna have to just move myself. love him but feeling like i'm "goin down" a bit.

i tell him, i was really really unhappy about the living here- waiting and waitihg - for what? nothing???

(my biggest mistake in life- probably in retrospect)

so anyway- he says go look for soemthing up north, me, i don't know where- i'm feeling desperate- look in my old hometown (how did i know my mother is a fruit loop? she always sseemed okay to me in general - we got along fine)

get a house we can afford- going back & forth with not much time to stay up there- we're both working. it was fun and okay at first.

somehow - over time it evolvs to me spending a month or so up there by self sometimes. at first it was really nice to have some solitude - this guy grills me constantly, it was alot.

now, i'm sorry i ever did it- but hey- cannot go down that road i guess-

soooooo then HE QUITS SMOKING (MAJOR personality change- edgy- crabby- gtting rid of huge addiction- i'm doing okay riding along with it- it's awful thoQQ!!!!)

THEN HE GETS A COMPUTER - beginning of end i believe. then he gets "involved" with his computer to the exculsion of all else-

finally i'm thinking maybe he's addicted to porn or something.... (this is a few years later- he's sooooo addicted to the damn computer. he is an addictive kind of person- i'm not sure what it is.

i am totally stupid- i SHOULD have known) then he's crabby and a jerk in life - getting cold, detached, culminates when my sister dies. all of a sudden - he changes big time. so i have a huge huge huge personal tragedy- and HE flips out!??

(he lies & went to visit ow (cousin) in CA - another old old flamish person from ancient days. when he was in lawschool -)

THEN it evolved into being away half the time (him) and back in nj half the time- no pressure or even interest in me coming down there as much as used to-

idk - it got wierd slowly- i should have been more suspicious.

honestly- he had just retired - me earlier- and i thought he was just experiencing what i had for first few years. i had enjoyed being alone a bit more - i never cheated or even thought of it- it was great, time to self more and someone there too. again- let me say- i was a total fool & a jerk here-

part of me would take total responsibility if he had not - in some initial giant blowup - told me (why i'll never know and always resent him for) that he'd had a flirtation with this ow back 25 yrs ago - and "chose me". the jerk- once he told me that - i was off the hook for causing it-

BUT of course was still stupid to allow him all that time- and understanding- BUT - SWALLOWING IT was the hardest thing i'd ever done- the knowledge that THAT WAS THE KIND OF PERSON HE WAS- not what i'd ever believed or thought.

he was not the man i thought he was - EVER - FROM DAY ONE - he was a liar a& a cheater kind of person.

he said nothing happened- i don't believe it - he lies. i'm sorry to say it and i'm not kidding-

i remember how wierd he ws when she quit and moved to north of state- she left i'd stake my life on it. he chose no one- he lies about that too.

that is my giant stumbling block here- FINDING OUT that he was a cheating rat in the beginning - when we were all happy and in love-

well, what does that say about me and us and our r- only that i was the "most stupid, blind and convenient" - nothing more in his life.

a means to an end (housekeeper & homemaker) and he probably cheated allover the place forever at the stupid office-

that is how i feel now. i'm pretty sure i'm accurate.

whatever i thought my life was with him- i am wrong. to him it was nothing but a convenient sitch for evenings - while daytime was another world of fun, etc.- at work in his lair -

something like that.

bottom line- NO ONE ALIVE can manage a r that gets long-distance ish- no matter how much the man is saying it's OK - he's lying.

well- it's OK FOR him becasue he's cheating like mad maybe and having his way totally in life while having me out there on a string.

i do think i'm something to him (more than he knows) he does not know it or think it.

HE IS Stubborn enough- - to walk away if i do and then force himself to swallow it forever. and even IF (a big if) he did miss me in his life- never admit it- say it or do a darn thing about it.

he is convinced he wouldn't even blink if i died - and he wouldn't want anyone to suffer if he dies. he is such a giant jacka$$ it doesn't even bear saying.

sooooo childish about real live- life - death- what people (normal people - people not him) feel, think, are...

it's amazing to me - he is a user of people. for whatever they bring to the table that he wants at that time - maybe

see, i even tack on "maybe". i'm such a putz...

i've been soooo dopey & mistaken i think.

but then- ta da- here i am- suffering along trying dbing - why? honestly, idk- it amazs mwe.

what i see, what he IS to mwe, AGAIN, what in the world am i thinking??? idk


ta da- from the land of oz here - fog central. today tho, i've had ten houers of sleep

i guess being here in old time sureroundiongs from when i was happy & sure - made me feel safe or soemthing. i can't get over the sleeping - i haven't slept well in so many years i can't even remember a nite like that.

idk about the sex either. it makes me hate him alot sometimes. it's sex for cripes sake - what is the big deal. is it "spiritual" to him or something? i do not think so-

- he wasn ever a big giant sexually frequent guy= which was okay with me because my ex h was totall animal every mintue of every day. somehow i was biting the bullet allll these years on the lack of bit more sex - tho sex we had was good. now, in retrospect, maybe he was ALWAYS cheating.

see my problem here? it's not even jsut now- it's what was it all ever?????? clouding me up

idk linda - it's big and it's long reaching and it's too much for my brain to figure back & sort thru.

today- i'm not miserable so i'll take it.

played with kids ye3sterday for a couple hrs after school - it was fun , they're cute.

i'm outta here- probably wering you out. sorry, it can't seem to get short about this crappola. i've just stopped thinking about it- and even trying to sort thru it.

NOW and going forward seems to be a whole nother PLACE in my life. it is some wierd beginning of some wierd something with some wierd guy from my past. if it's anything at all- idk- honestly. i'm floating here.

xxoo hope your day is okay. i think mine will be.

xxoo and again- don't ever even think i get offended that easily. if i ever did- i'd probably say it anyway.

love ya dearie -

[nero]

just one comment - short i swear- hearing myself recount the feelings of trapped-ness and how near some edge i got about the time i had to get the heck out of florida more-

i remember how desperate i felt- and something had to be done. i guess honestly- i did my best there. it was hard. i'd forgotten-

guess we all try and save ourselves when we feel like we're goin down- that was my try- nmaybe this is his???

[TSquared2]

guess we all try and save ourselves when we feel like we're goin down- that was my try- nmaybe this is his???

This is very insightful nero...I think you are on to something. With my W, it is definitely part of it, but I am convinced that she has to confront all her issues and demons that she has been struggling with all these years. So she had run, but now seems to be looking at them and trying to make peace with them, or something...idk. Still, it is a long process, and seems the more stubborn they are before all this started, the longer it takes.

I think your H has more swirling around than just that, but I think you figured out a good chunk right there.

Hang in there!

[RosaLinda]

Nero, I think the retiring made your H depressed. I think people in general, but especially men, have a lot of their self worth tied up in their jobs, and when he retired, he lost his identity. Granted our Hs do not act depressed, they act crazy and self assured that they are right in all their actions, but I think from what I've read, depression is the underlying factor.

Your story about feeling trapped living in FL and buying the house in NJ is very sad Nero. I'm sorry all of that happened, but there's nothing you can do about it now. Interesting that he started changing and got involved/addicted to the computer. That was my marriage's downfall too, and I was the one who bought my H his first laptop when he first got sick in 2007. How I wish I'd never heard of the internet. Or that we still have just a dial up modem LOL!

Please stop thinking of yourself as a jerk and fool, you loved your husband and trusted him. That is what married people do. That is what friends do. How awful that he was cheating on you when you were first married. I am so so sorry Nero. But are you really really SURE or are you just assuming this? Are you really really sure that he cheated on you all those years? I cannot get over this fact.

You wrote "but then- ta da- here i am- suffering along trying dbing - why? honestly, idk- it amazs mwe." Well this is my question too. Do you think you really love him? Do you think he'll change when he gets out of this MLC? All of that stuff you talked about him having no feelings etc is just MLC crap, my H says the exact same stuff. Part of being depressed. So that will pass.

But Nero, the hope of most of us DBing here is that our beloved Hs will emerge back out of their MLC. If your H emerges the same as he was prior to it, do you even want him?

[RosaLinda]

PS where do you live in NJ?

[nero]

ya know linda -

i am not SURE 100%. HE DENIeS it - (he even says he had a "flirtation" and "nothing happened" - it's me that does not believe now. and no, i do not have proof he cheated all along. it is an assumption i'm making -

however much i trusted completely- now i'm the opposite. it's not by choice- my brain just "goes there".

now i think any minute he's not in my face - he's probably with someone else- crazy but true.

whatever he says now - i know he's a liar. i think it is entirely possible or even likely he may have cheated forever or before now .

i don't even know what i think of him as a person adn if i' d like to be in love with him if he crawled out of this mlc.

it would be interesting to see what i decided if i had all the power and he was pursuing me- and i was making a decision from the power seat - instead of the reverse. who knows- perhaps one day i'll be there & find out?

thing is- maybe i was in love with who i thought he was- and how do i know now if he was or was not ever that man?

i keep hoping something will bonk me on the head. we did have alot of great years - i know we had the connection- i am awaiting wisdom (or another lover that takes me away from all this).

the rest - i don't know about. i can't even think that far ahead - i am here becasue i have no where else really swell to be. i do hope he gets normal again- i don't know if he will. i don't know who he will be if he does- and then i'll see what i feel for that guy (if i'm still around.

a heck of alot of ifs - huh???

i am on "float" truly- im' open to anything- but not particularly banking on anything or even assuming anything will come of this. he may be gone forever.

we have some kind of a "tie" - i think - somehow it holds us both still -

maybe he's just waiting for me to end it- it begs the question why the heck doesn't he? it's only costing him more money than he needs to be spending. he's very practical & economical. maybe he's waiting for property values to go up before he kicks my butt out? who the heck can know?

i don't think he knows what the heck he's doing. i sure don't know about him OR ME either. what either of us are doing.

i have trouble letting go- did that answer anything? if i am here dbing - i'm assuming somehow i'm still invested in him and r enough to bother.

i keep thinking of my girlfriend's psychiatrist (3 times married) telling her think long and hard before walking out on what you have/had - if you have nothing wonderful to be rushing out to.

lately i'm trying not to think- not to figure- just float til i wash up on some particular bank either here or there-

xxoo - my assumptions torture me- how to know the truth without my own personal lie detector -huhj? that's the real question...

have a good evening.

[nero]

t sq -

ya think?? you're rite - he's got SOOOOOO much swirling around - buried soooo deep in there- he doesn't talk about it- he runs like mad from it ( like not talking to his mother- just cuts her out- too painful to deal with?) who does that - really.

this guy is masterpeice of fear & running & thinks he's soo tough and in control

it's daunting. i've got as much neurosis, as anyone- but he's soooo immersed & it's sooooo embedded - i don't know if he'll ever break free. a lifetime of covering up- or using people- or fear of letting anhyone really in- i don't even know anymore -.

all i know for sure is we had alot of fun and it was wonderful - til it began to suck because he changed -

he's wearin me out- he's like my mother somewhat. all about her because she's been soooo hurt, etc. well, suck it up you guys- we all feel like that but it's called growing up-

get over it. i'm pretty tired of these wah wah babies torturning the rest of us

thanks for comment tho- i wish anything meant someting. i may not live long enough for this guy to even begin to know , much less confront, alllllll the junk he's got buried in there. he said it back in the day- he knew it all was there - how can it disable him so much now ? maybe he's just a bad apple? simple huh? not deep hidden junk - just that...

wierdly detached at moment & floating along - best i can do to stay "even" in life.

oh well huh? hope your evening is okay

xxo

[RosaLinda]

I'm having an okay night Nero thanks. I think your friend's psychiatrist gave her good advice to "think long and hard before walking out on what you have/had - if you have nothing wonderful to be rushing out to." A person should think long and hard before walking out on what he has even if he or she DOES have something better to go to. My H says he knows a bunch of people who got divorced and remarried, and none were really happier the second time. Yet he's thinking of divorcing me and going where? Not to anyone or anything better, that's for sure. 

How has your H been acting since you've been down there? Has he ever mentioned D to you? Where would YOU like to live? You don't sound really happy in NJ. Do you think guilt about your mom keeps you there? Would you be happy in FL if not for the OW? Because maybe all of your assumptions are not correct Nero. Like you said, "how to know the truth without my own personal lie detector -huhj? that's the real question..."

I fear if/when we decide to reconcile with our Hs, there will be a lot of hurtful things we will have to be willing to put behind us and forgive, to be able to trust again. 

Im' glad yuy're floating detachedly Nero!