Over the weekend, images of my wife keep flashing past me. Sudden emotions of sadness overcame me on and off eventho I was out GAL. Then i start to question myself on whether I've really grown from 2 months ago. How do i even know if i've grown? Will it be self actualization?
Hi Dig, I was catching up on your thread and I'm a newbie here still, so I don't have any great advice to give, but think as long as you are GAL and doing your 180s you will grow, even if it is gradually. Keep up a PMA and know there are a lot of people here for you!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
Hi chl, thanks for dropping by. Thanks for your support really appreciate it. I'm doing my GAL, however i'm not sure whetehr i'm doing well in the 180s department. Started self doubting myself lately. I really hate to backslide after everything i tried so hard to maintain.
I understand that i will need PMA but i also can't help that sometimes negativity slips right in and eat me up.
Over the weekend, images of my wife keep flashing past me. Sudden emotions of sadness overcame me on and off eventho I was out GAL. Then i start to question myself on whether I've really grown from 2 months ago. How do i even know if i've grown? Will it be self actualization?
When those emotions aren't flooding you, can you think of specific ways that you've grown? Mentally note those - or write them down and carry them in your wallet - and go over them when you're questioning yourself.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Look, this was a shock to the system so you're going to have these moments of sadness from time to time. We all do, even the super vets that have been moved on for years. The key is to feel that emotion. Don't bottle it up or suppress it somehow but just feel it, understand where it came from, then move on. Most important thing is you don't get stuck in that place.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
When those emotions aren't flooding you, can you think of specific ways that you've grown? Mentally note those - or write them down and carry them in your wallet - and go over them when you're questioning yourself.
-PM
Thanks PM for pointing me in the right direction. I really appreciate your kind advice to me when i'm backsliding. I'll try my best to work hard on myself.
I've been trying to listen to other people talk and validating them. This is the hardest skill that i'm trying to master. At times i do not know whether i've done it well. Currently i'm able to validate thru text and such but when it comes to speeches i still have this fear of not being able to validate well.
Look, this was a shock to the system so you're going to have these moments of sadness from time to time. We all do, even the super vets that have been moved on for years. The key is to feel that emotion. Don't bottle it up or suppress it somehow but just feel it, understand where it came from, then move on. Most important thing is you don't get stuck in that place.
Thanks spartan, I understand that such feeling is part of shock of the big bomb being dropped onto me. I'll try to feel the feeling instead of just letting my mind wonder away again into the land of what ifs. I do not want to be stuck that place as I know that i will prevent me from learning from my mistakes.
Just wondering how i should react if I spot my wife on the streets? Do I go up to her and greet her or just turn the other direction? Would this be called pursue?
Also if anyone can tell me, do you all still call your wife, "wife" or by her name?
Journal: Had some deep thoughts during the months after my W dropped the bomb and before I read DR.
She said I never understood her. I never learn to read her body language. All i care is about myself. She hates me for all the things I've ever done. She never had a father to dote on and questioned me why i can't dote on her more. She hate me for making her feel that she is never worth anything.
She followed up with another text the following day. She told me she remember the times she had to beg me to love her. So often she had to beg me to buy her things. So often she had to beg me to spend time with her. Its always ended with her crying badly and feeling so hurt before I will change a little. She commented on things never stays for long. She asked whether I remember the number of times she tell me that she don't feel love. She also said that nothing has changed except her expectations for me. She didnt feel that I've put in extra effort to make her feel love.
Your W sounds a little like I did the first year of my marriage:
Things happened that caused me to feel my H no longer understood me (no I realize it was poor communication on both ends)
I didn't feel loved by him (at the same time, I was 26 years old and didn't really know what I wanted/needed him to do to make me feel loved, I just expected him to know what to do. I needed to mature, learn my self and then tell him directly what he needed to do. Can't expect someone to mind read, especially when you don't know for sure yourself) Has she told you specifically what you can do to make her feel loved?
I wanted him to spend time with me at home because I am a homebody (I should have been mature again, stepped out of my box and spent time out and about with him instead of wanting him to sit home with me, then both of our needs would have been met)
So I'm sure just as I needed time to grow, learn myself, that's what your wife needs. So sorry she isn't understanding that she can do those things and still be with you, while you change the things you need to change as well. My H is the same, he feels he now needs to be alone to make changes on his own and I with only be a hindrance to his happiness or a source of pain.
Originally Posted By: DigDeeper
Just wondering how i should react if I spot my wife on the streets? Do I go up to her and greet her or just turn the other direction? Would this be called pursue?
Also if anyone can tell me, do you all still call your wife, "wife" or by her name?
Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I've always called my husband by his name. He's always called me by my name or a term of endearment, but never wife.
If you see her on the streets, greet her or wave and keep going on your way. Be mature, no need to turn in the other direction, especially if she sees you.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Your W sounds a little like I did the first year of my marriage:
Things happened that caused me to feel my H no longer understood me (no I realize it was poor communication on both ends)
I didn't feel loved by him (at the same time, I was 26 years old and didn't really know what I wanted/needed him to do to make me feel loved, I just expected him to know what to do. I needed to mature, learn my self and then tell him directly what he needed to do. Can't expect someone to mind read, especially when you don't know for sure yourself) Has she told you specifically what you can do to make her feel loved?
I wanted him to spend time with me at home because I am a homebody (I should have been mature again, stepped out of my box and spent time out and about with him instead of wanting him to sit home with me, then both of our needs would have been met)
So I'm sure just as I needed time to grow, learn myself, that's what your wife needs. So sorry she isn't understanding that she can do those things and still be with you, while you change the things you need to change as well. My H is the same, he feels he now needs to be alone to make changes on his own and I with only be a hindrance to his happiness or a source of pain.
Hi Mimi, really appreciate that you dropped by. My W did tell me numerous time to buy stuff for her. But I would just give excuses time and again until the point whereby she didn't bothered anymore.
