Also, I don't think it's already too late for you - I've seen other threads on here where it's actually much further into the D process and seems that there's no turning back and the WAS has changed their mind. But, even if it doesn't work out, do your 180s and GALs and you will be okay in the end and better off!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
I have been on both sides now and I understand completely where you are coming from and my heart goes out to you. I wanted and needed my space because my first husband kept me on a leash. I guess when we did separate, I have to admit I did act like I was a teenager. However, I was not looking for another man but the more he accused me of it, I wanted to just to piss him off.
Would your husband giving you space but occasionally saying he loved you have done any good?
To be honest, I did not want to hear those words from him because he had his chance and he blew it.
Never believe it's too late. My second husband told me when he left it was over and it was too late. At first, I did to him what my first husband did to me, pursued, called and text him all the time and I pushed him farther away. He told me there was no hope for us, that he did not love me and for me to leave him alone. This went on for five months. He was already involved with someone else. I confronted him about that and he lied. Then one day I woke up and said no more, I want to find happiness again. I did not text or call him. When he called me, I would let it go straight to voice mail because if it was important, he would leave a message. He would text me and I did not respond right away. I always ended the conversation. When I did see him, I was polite and looked hot. He noticed. Once I stopped pursing him and gave him his space, he started to come back around. We were separated for seven months and we have been back together a year and half. He told me he was so glad that I did not give up hope for us.
We still have our ups and downs but we try to work thru them together as a couple. There are times I wished we had gone our separate ways. When we got back together, he helped me with our D and the house work. Now, he does absolutely nothing. And I am lost what to do with that.
He actually says he doesn't know why he can't find it in him to make it work/want it to, is confused himself, stressed, etc. Yet, he has yet to take one iota of responsibility for our marriage getting to this state except for to say he's selfish and we had kids too soon and weren't ready. Other than that, it's all me. Every behavior of his was caused by me vs the other way around. So exasperating and frustrating!
He doesn't know why he doesn't want to work it out? That [censored] but it is the life of a WAW. I was one, it isn't any easier for your H than it is for you, even though it appears that it is.
He doesn't take responsibility? Yes, it is very frustrating when they don't take any responsibility. INFURIATING to be exact. However, this feeling caused 3 or 4 years of major trouble in my M and almost prevented R. ALL I could see was H's lack of accepting any responsibility and it drove me insane. Once I started DBing and took some time away from ourissues, stopped talking about them and looked inside myself - I was able to start recognizing more of my responsibility and it has changed our M.
A
Are things perfect? NO. However, they are much better and I feel very hopeful for a successful, long-term M. We had a very rough day today with my son, tests in the hospitals for a young boy, (on H's 45th birthday), a 6 hour drive that became 8 due to weather, etc., and our R is so changed that we had a great ride home and enjoyed ourselves!
My point in turning this to me is that, you need to turn your M to YOU before it can better. Work on you, worry about you so that your M can improve.
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I feel like I need to change my desire to parent H. I need to nag less and let him do what he's going to do; knowing when it's best to bite my to hue. I also need to engage in his activities/interests more, and be more complimentary. In addition, when fights do arise I know name calling and threats are not ok.
You are correct, you cannot parent your spouse, it just doesn't work. Think about it this way..why do you want to parent your spouse? You don't!
Name calling? I did it. We aren't taught how to deal with conflict so many of us do it in an immature way. Dbing has helped me with that and I am able to handle conflict w/o fighting.
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The other think that strikes me in all of this is just how selfish he is in general now. Example: his grandpa died last week. Rather than go to the funeral with the rest of his family on Saturday he hung out with friends.
Yes, it does sound selfish but try to be compassionate like you would with someone you weren't as attached to. Think of things that could be going on that led to this behavior.
Also, think about adding a signature to your profile..it's helpful to know how long you have been together, how old the kids are, etc!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Found out today he's taking the woman he's having an EA with to a wedding. Also found out that this past weekend he showed up with her on the back of his (brand new) motorcycle to the car event our mutual friends were at. I asked him about it as I'd like assurance she won't be around D on the weekends he has her (he'll be living at the house and I have to move out for the weekend). He says he would never. Also insists they never hang out, they're just friends, and so what if he gave her a ride we're getting divorced. Says he's been clear with her on not wanting a relationship. I don't even know what to believe. This really hurts.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
I know it hurts you that he is out with another woman, but it's nothing you can do about it. The best advice I can give you is don't ask him about her because all you will hear are lies. My husband told me the same thing, that they were just friends, however it came with benefits. You need to stop worrying about what he is doing and who he is with and focus on yourself. It will drive you crazy. I have been there. When your D is with your H, go out with some friends and have a good time. Do this for yourself.
Hi fls, just dropping by to catch up on your situation. From what you wrote, it seemed that you're doing a lot of mind reading of your H action. This is not healthy as it will drag down your emotions and not allow you to focus on yourself.
I like the mind reading analogy..that's good and very true! So yesterday H was angry that I confronted him about the EA. He swore up and down she was just a friend, it was just a bike ride, he'd never have her around D, he told her he doesn't want a relationship, etc. Then, he posted a not very nice status about the people who informed me he was out with her on a social network. An ex of mine called him out on it. Ex and I have spoken briefly since H left, but I actually told him to stop contacting me as I want to focus on my marriage. There was never anything between us, but I didn't want to give H one second to think doubt anything or lose trust in me. So H confronts me on ex. I told him we had talked a few times, and sent him a copy of what I had told ex when I told him not to contact me. This realllly seems to bother him. I've assured him I want nothing to do with ex and there were just a few platonic exchanges that I called off. I'm not sure why he cares if he has this EA and is filing for divorce? Anyway, I had to call him about D's appt tomorrow. We talked for at least 45 mins as he was grilling me about ex and who informed me that he was out with OW. He then told me again she's just friend, doesn't want anything with her, not trying to keep things from me, etc. And interestingly he talked about our relationship. Not that he's not going to file, he still sounds sure and I think actually did yesterday, but more trying to gauge if I still love him by saying "if you want this to work, I wish you could show me or not put me down, etc" and then would say something along the lines of "I know I didn't make it easy on you, but it's hard for me to change when I feel like you won't." It's hard to remember exactly but he gave a very teeny tiny sliver that he still wanted there to be some hope for the future.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
He is telling you how is feeling, which is a positive thing. But you still have a long ways to go. Show him that you are working on yourself. Actions speak louder than words. He is telling you that he wants proof that you are changing. Give to him. But you need to detach from him so you can work on yourself. I would just keep the conversations to minimum and keep them about your daughter for now. Don't talk about the other woman because he will just lie about it and the lies will hurt you more. And knowing that he is lying will just make you madder as h3ll.
That makes sense...so if he brings up relationship talk do I engage or no? At one point he said something to the effect of how he felt like everything he did wasn't good enough and it always had to be my way or else I was unhappy. I think I shocked him by saying I could understand why he saw it that way and have realized a lot of things about myself since we've been apart. He kind of stammered and said well...yeah. Like he couldn't belive I didn't argue the point with him.
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
Forgot to add: He also said he thinks the only reason I don't want a divorce is because of my religious beliefs (chrisitan), not because I actually want to be with him. While he's right that I do feel we have no grounds for divorce biblically, I do very much also want to be with him as a person. I can understand why he thinks this though as months ago during a fight I got upset and said I felt trapped but had no options as I'm a christian and couldn't divorce. He's brought that up often. How do I show him I do love him and not just marriage from a christian stand point while doing 180 and GAL?
Me: 26 H: 28 T:8 M:5 D:2 BD:4/1/13 Separated 6/6/13 Filed separation 6/21/13 Waiting for D papers to be served, H says filed
