(i'll try and answer about the house up north- it''ll probably be long - so feel free not to read any any point & just run away. - and if he turns up- i'll leave fast0)
firstly i'm not in the least offended or mad- get that notion rite out of your little head- you're good with me linda. you seem like the sweetest of gals, who in the world would ever be offended? you're nice- it's a wonderful trait-
i don't know about the depressed bit- i cannot see it- but then, that's me.
he's something tho - idk what? i'm still thinking that he lost his way when retired. had an office and a bunch of e3mployees as his daytime place to be and thing to be (lawyer- own firm)
then he retired and "lost himself" and blamed it on me. he retired by choice and plan- he says he's glad he did. his fofice was his domain - then he came home to my domain and took over - hostile takeover by the way-
alllllllll of a sudden this place i totally took care of - everything- was n ot big enough for both of us.
he HAD TO ( felt) make it his place . s omething like he never had siblings or shared one darn thing in life- nothing- and then when he left the office - (possibly where he had freedom alllll those years to flirt & conduct - well, whatever) he didn't have that kind of freedom here?
just guessing- idk about the depressing- i never saw any indication -
BUT ANYUWAY_ THE NJ HOUSE. when we met - it was in FL . i'd moved there with my ex-husband. a carpenter who wanted to be able to work outside and not die of cold in winter innj.
anyway- we met at office- (oh crap- did i say that? his trollling ground apparently for action) (all retrospect here- but geeeez linda- about 38 yrs too late to know what i see)
anyway- we met- true love- divorced old h - had my own apartment for a year- seriously not-rich but got along- paid my own way- an interesting experience -
he was great - he'd call every nite after work and ask why i wasn't there (his apt. ) instead of mine? he DID pursue.
solife was great - he was a guy who always had a major plan. from day one - DAY ONE - "the plan" was work hard, save &l ive modestly and then when we were 40 or so, we'd retire and "we will live anywhere you want to". that was him to me. no kidding-h eard it many times - believed and believed. i never picked fla and never loved it- just tolerated it. too darn hot & no seasons -nothing but old people- heat & blazing sun every stinking day of every stinking year...
that is all i can say for myself. THEN we become 40, 41, 42 and i'm feeling a bit blue about still studk in fla. the heat is oppressive and i'm fair, blue eyes , red hair, no tan, faint when it's over 90s - it's just summers stink down here- can't go out and go aabout comfortably, etc. (or so i felt then anyway)
sooooo- i was waking up in the mornings feeling like crying- i was ready for that change- to move somewhere normal with seasons (i miss seasons like mad) - ready to have a garden- ohyeah- forgot also.
he always had commitment problems - but i did too. i felt trapped married to ex-hus. had just gotten divorced- the not getting married thing didn't seem to be a deal breaker for me. i figur3ed in time he'd realize how good we were together- whatever.
sooooo - 42, kind of depressed (me), no change in sight, nothing to break this hot hot sink-hole life in florida -
so finally i get to a point and just ask - thinking if nothing changes, no ability to j ust get out of here sometimes, i'm possibly gonna have to just move myself. love him but feeling like i'm "goin down" a bit.
i tell him, i was really really unhappy about the living here- waiting and waitihg - for what? nothing???
(my biggest mistake in life- probably in retrospect)
so anyway- he says go look for soemthing up north, me, i don't know where- i'm feeling desperate- look in my old hometown (how did i know my mother is a fruit loop? she always sseemed okay to me in general - we got along fine)
get a house we can afford- going back & forth with not much time to stay up there- we're both working. it was fun and okay at first.
somehow - over time it evolvs to me spending a month or so up there by self sometimes. at first it was really nice to have some solitude - this guy grills me constantly, it was alot.
now, i'm sorry i ever did it- but hey- cannot go down that road i guess-
soooooo then HE QUITS SMOKING (MAJOR personality change- edgy- crabby- gtting rid of huge addiction- i'm doing okay riding along with it- it's awful thoQQ!!!!)
THEN HE GETS A COMPUTER - beginning of end i believe. then he gets "involved" with his computer to the exculsion of all else-
finally i'm thinking maybe he's addicted to porn or something.... (this is a few years later- he's sooooo addicted to the damn computer. he is an addictive kind of person- i'm not sure what it is.
i am totally stupid- i SHOULD have known) then he's crabby and a jerk in life - getting cold, detached, culminates when my sister dies. all of a sudden - he changes big time. so i have a huge huge huge personal tragedy- and HE flips out!??
(he lies & went to visit ow (cousin) in CA - another old old flamish person from ancient days. when he was in lawschool -)
THEN it evolved into being away half the time (him) and back in nj half the time- no pressure or even interest in me coming down there as much as used to-
idk - it got wierd slowly- i should have been more suspicious.
honestly- he had just retired - me earlier- and i thought he was just experiencing what i had for first few years. i had enjoyed being alone a bit more - i never cheated or even thought of it- it was great, time to self more and someone there too. again- let me say- i was a total fool & a jerk here-
part of me would take total responsibility if he had not - in some initial giant blowup - told me (why i'll never know and always resent him for) that he'd had a flirtation with this ow back 25 yrs ago - and "chose me". the jerk- once he told me that - i was off the hook for causing it-
BUT of course was still stupid to allow him all that time- and understanding- BUT - SWALLOWING IT was the hardest thing i'd ever done- the knowledge that THAT WAS THE KIND OF PERSON HE WAS- not what i'd ever believed or thought.
he was not the man i thought he was - EVER - FROM DAY ONE - he was a liar a& a cheater kind of person.
he said nothing happened- i don't believe it - he lies. i'm sorry to say it and i'm not kidding-
i remember how wierd he ws when she quit and moved to north of state- she left i'd stake my life on it. he chose no one- he lies about that too.
that is my giant stumbling block here- FINDING OUT that he was a cheating rat in the beginning - when we were all happy and in love-
well, what does that say about me and us and our r- only that i was the "most stupid, blind and convenient" - nothing more in his life.
a means to an end (housekeeper & homemaker) and he probably cheated allover the place forever at the stupid office-
that is how i feel now. i'm pretty sure i'm accurate.
whatever i thought my life was with him- i am wrong. to him it was nothing but a convenient sitch for evenings - while daytime was another world of fun, etc.- at work in his lair -
something like that.
bottom line- NO ONE ALIVE can manage a r that gets long-distance ish- no matter how much the man is saying it's OK - he's lying.
well- it's OK FOR him becasue he's cheating like mad maybe and having his way totally in life while having me out there on a string.
i do think i'm something to him (more than he knows) he does not know it or think it.
HE IS Stubborn enough- - to walk away if i do and then force himself to swallow it forever. and even IF (a big if) he did miss me in his life- never admit it- say it or do a darn thing about it.
he is convinced he wouldn't even blink if i died - and he wouldn't want anyone to suffer if he dies. he is such a giant jacka$$ it doesn't even bear saying.
sooooo childish about real live- life - death- what people (normal people - people not him) feel, think, are...
it's amazing to me - he is a user of people. for whatever they bring to the table that he wants at that time - maybe
see, i even tack on "maybe". i'm such a putz...
i've been soooo dopey & mistaken i think.
but then- ta da- here i am- suffering along trying dbing - why? honestly, idk- it amazs mwe.
what i see, what he IS to mwe, AGAIN, what in the world am i thinking??? idk
ta da- from the land of oz here - fog central. today tho, i've had ten houers of sleep
i guess being here in old time sureroundiongs from when i was happy & sure - made me feel safe or soemthing. i can't get over the sleeping - i haven't slept well in so many years i can't even remember a nite like that.
idk about the sex either. it makes me hate him alot sometimes. it's sex for cripes sake - what is the big deal. is it "spiritual" to him or something? i do not think so-
- he wasn ever a big giant sexually frequent guy= which was okay with me because my ex h was totall animal every mintue of every day. somehow i was biting the bullet allll these years on the lack of bit more sex - tho sex we had was good. now, in retrospect, maybe he was ALWAYS cheating.
see my problem here? it's not even jsut now- it's what was it all ever?????? clouding me up
idk linda - it's big and it's long reaching and it's too much for my brain to figure back & sort thru.
today- i'm not miserable so i'll take it.
played with kids ye3sterday for a couple hrs after school - it was fun , they're cute.
i'm outta here- probably wering you out. sorry, it can't seem to get short about this crappola. i've just stopped thinking about it- and even trying to sort thru it.
NOW and going forward seems to be a whole nother PLACE in my life. it is some wierd beginning of some wierd something with some wierd guy from my past. if it's anything at all- idk- honestly. i'm floating here.
xxoo hope your day is okay. i think mine will be.
xxoo and again- don't ever even think i get offended that easily. if i ever did- i'd probably say it anyway.
