I was going through my emails looking for something from Nov/Dec and I came across some old emails from her before BD......
Even one to my family and friends excited about the foreign guest that would be sharing Christmas with us. OM 1
Reading your thoughts the last few days made me evaluate how much I owned in this - the last few weeks had me feeling I needed to own much of it
I was/ am way too nice- she walked over me. I now watch d3 impacted by her actions so much - someone that I love as much as I love my w should not have it in them to hurt, lie, and be as selfish as my w now is.
It hurts me to have feelings of hate.
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Hate. In my reading to understand myself, the primary emotion of Anger is the one that if it's addressed releases us from our secondary emotion of hate.
So much to be angry about right? And we get angry when we are let down. And we get let down when we place expectations on people and they don't meet them. Are you allowing yourself to continue to place expectations on her? She's not in the same game as you. Not even the same sport. We have to release them to their own choices. The only one that is hurt by our unmet expecations... is us. We feel the anger, we express it through hate. We feel all of it and carry it alone. They don't even notice it right now.
We didn't get a choice in any of this but here we are. Trying to do our best and swimming through the storm with our DB life vests. Release some of that for YOU.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
So if I'm understanding you, you're saying you now feel like you were previously owning too much of the blame for this? Is that right?
I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and full of hate, PS. In all honesty, I would probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes. That's why when my STBX suggested she move back in "just as friends until we got our finances settled" after she left on BD day, I said I didn't think it would be a good idea. I would be too suspicious of every minute on the phone or every minute away from the house. Now I wonder if I did the right thing; it's certainly not what DB recommends.
The fact is, I'm really proud of you for handling this so well and being such a good father to your daughter. You should be proud of yourself, too. You're a good man, and I don't think there's many people here who deserve the treatment they are getting from their WAS.
Please don't let the hate fester, that won't be good for you, your daughter, or any future reconciliation that you and your W may or may not currently want. RealityTrip is right, you have to let it go. Take it out on some iron at the gym. Works for me.
My hate comes from what her actions have done to D3. The constant "picking", the separation issues, the anxiety issues, The timidness.
I do not and will not ever be able to have 100% custody to protect her from this. So I have had constant guilt issues.
This was originally 100% my fault, my actions drove her to stray.
My self esteem and confidence was so low after the BD that I assumed this to be fact- until I confirmed the affairs.
I thought I had processed these events- Im learning that I have not fully. ALL those lies. I will never know what else.
RT and Lefty- Its my growing strength that is allowing me to see this and accept this and process this.
Being alone scares the hell out of me - but wait!!!!! Havent I been the last 5 months?
Can I or SHOULD I trust her again- Ill have plenty more time to figure that out.
Lefty- Im at 198.0 - maybe someday ill catch up to you
189 is "healthy" BMI - Im single digits away
I was "OBESE"
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
PS, you son of gun, I've been stuck around 191 for a bit now, so you might pass me soon. You must be taller than me because I have to hit 184 before I am no longer "overweight." I started off as "Obese Class II."
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I was "obese" too - according to BMI - when I was 10% bf. BMI is a start, but is ultimately inadequate because it's simply weight by height. BF% is a much superior indicator.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hate and anger are okay if you know them for what they are and why they are there. They are also the toughest to let go of, because they protect us so much. There is a reason Hate is the opposite of love.
I HATE co-parenting (That "H" word was chosen on purpose)
Last night D3 says "When we leave the house where will I live" "Will I have a bedroom?" "Why wont Mommy be with us?"
That was my night. I wasnt even aware she knew we were selling the house
So our child psych told me that I should follow "Maslows Hierarchy of needs"
Focus on stabilizing safety and security concerns and then re-assure love.
I dont know whats been said and by who. Was it her Mom or her Grandmom? Im concerned that she is being fed to much info too soon and she cant process- Everyone keeps saying "children are resilient" - at three, I dont buy it.
and PM- What is the most convenient way to get a BF test done? BMI felt better then just weight.......I feel like the goal posts have been moved.
I need to learn about BF
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
