One of them would be if she tries to make me feel guilty for something regarding the kids or anything else.
Another would be if she asks me for anything or to do something I don't want to do.
Calling me names or being abusive.
Not quite what my actions would be other than to warn her then distance myself.
You can still use the same strategy as before when she acts like her old ways. Disengage (or ignore the behavior) or diffuse & validate.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I'm dragging up the rear in offering congrats on a very good job of handling everything. Pretty darn near perfect, especially since she caught you off guard.
I think you will just need to stay prepared for the unexpected from her. You will never know what she may pull out of her bags of tricks, but if you stay as cool & collected as you were Sunday, you can get through it.
Oh, and you did validate her:
"W: I have noticed that during 10 days of the month I am a different person to the rest of the month. Me: Its good that you have noticed that. It must be hard to have to go through that and learn to live it."
It was a good balance where you didn't get all slobbery, and kept the conversation serious and on the subject.
You can do it! You did do it! You are becoming that man that pushed down for so long. He was there Sunday. That is who your W will respect,
But she's not completely through with the games. So remember, no exceptions for her to be on the same track when you see her again.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have been in a similar place to this a few times before but never which such confidence and power in the fact that I can be happy either way.
Contact: I contacted her yesterday and asked how the kids were. She replied and sent me pics and videos over the next few hours and invited me to go to the zoo with them in mid August. After a while I thanked her for the pics/videos and said I would let her know about the zoo.
It would feel even more strange now than ever to ignore some of her messages unless I really dislike what she has sent me.
What should my stance be with the contact? I was thinking that I would lift it from where is was slightly but tread very cautiously and slowly.
In person: She has invited to me to go to the zoo with them. It's in mid August and knowing us two anything could happen between now and then. I will be at her house when I drop off kids/pick them up. Do I mix it up where sometimes I might stay for a little while (depending on invite) and others I leave quickly because I'm GAL?
I have messed this next bit up many times before because I was too attached and desperate for R. Even though I am quite detached and I'm not desperate at all for R but welcome it as an option I am unclear on what my course is now.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
[quoteWhat is you idea of her reaching out to you? What would be the goal? I hope LTH will come back and help me explain the terrible truth about a WAW. She lays it out there, hoping you will start dealing out of a realistic mindset who is no longer blinded by the ways of the WAW'S.][/quote]
Listen up T, your W most likely isn't playing games with you - not 100% anyway but I am almost positive she hasn't made up her mind about what she wants, she just knows she doesn't want you walking away until SHE decides what SHE wants.
Don't get discouraged but don't let this latest conversation with her make you think things will definitely be okay or that she is ready to actually work on things. I would text OM on the way to/from MC and I was truly heartbroken when my H would want to leave. However, as soon as I knew I had him "back", I would start to feel confused again about what I wanted and what was actually right.
Also, even though I hated the idea of hurting my children, they were not enough to make stop doing what I needed to do to "save" myself.
Your W definitely sounds like she has a LOT of growing up to do, however, I also feel like she is confused - afraid to take you back and end up in the same place but afraid to let you go because she isn't sure she wants to. That's where I was for 3 years.
Her text about you not fighting for her was, as Sandi2 said, to gauge your reaction. I am sorry, I know you don't want to believe it, but it isn't just because she thinks you didn't fight for her. It is for her benefit and to keep you on her string. I know this, I did this. Part of me knew what I was doing but I didn't completely acknowledge/understand the whole thing until I began DBing. She is playing you, not just to play you but so she doesn't lose you until she makes a decision one way or the other. What made mine?
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
What made mine? I BECAME A LBS. Even though I knew all along that I didn't want to leave my H, the only thing that completely changed my behavior was him being fed up and leaving me.
It wasn't a game, he was done. That forced me to really examine my behavior for the first time.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
So what do you think I should do in regards to where I am now?
I think she could tell that I was very close to being done.
She is currently saying yes to MC. Do I move forward with it or not?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
LTH, it's great to hear from someone who's been on the other side. T1000, don't mean to hijack your post, but sure would appreciate LTH's input over on my latest.
I'm with you T1000 in that I don't know how much more I can take. Part of me knows for sure W is not living the life she's portraying, but how long I can wait to see if the R with OM is all she's hoping it will be.
Glad you found the confidence and detachment. i'm not there yet by far. I was as unhappy as her, and I know we needed change, but the minutes she went WAS and confirmed EA then PA I just collapsed into depression and all my resolve evaporated.
When she saw you were not going to fall apart and beg her not to get a lawyer, she saw a tiny glimpse of you being done. You did not pursue and try to change her mind, b/c you were fine.....either way. Even though she seemed to be quite angry, she still saw a side of you she liked.
You are in a good position now. You can start taking charge and calling ome of the shots. Your next step? Be still. Don't jump back in. You have to put her to the test.
She asked you what it would take.....and you told her. I don't remember anything being said about going out together and spending time as a family. T, if you start taking ger up on these "invitations", you will be right back in the same old boat again. She doesn't want to see a therapist, and she will try to wiggle out of it by buttering you up so that you won't insist she go. The zoo is her web to draw you back in.
She may not be intentionally plotting to use the zoo day as a means to draw you in, but that is all she knows how to do. Your part is to hold out and stick to the stipulations you gave her. You must see some evidence that she is setting up & keeping her appointments with a therapists. Not just one time and then stop going.
She goes back to the constant TMing and sending pictures. I've told you that's how she works. You can respond sometimes, like if she asks a question worthy to answer, but do not fall into that trap of being tied to the phone and responding to all her contacts. Maybe wait till the end of the day and then make one TM. You have to stay in control of this.
If she gets mad b/c you aren't dancing to her number and jumping every time she contacts by TM, stay calm and cool. Remind her that you have told her what it would take and you aren't getting back into the old patterns. You will not be going out as a family to the zoo or staying for din er at her place.....until you see her putting serious effort into those stipulations you gave.
If you don't stick to it now, it will be extremely hard later. Let her see that the old ways will no longer work.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It's in mid August and knowing us two anything could happen between now and then.
That's only true if you don't have boundaries and don't abide by them.
Anything might happen on her side but you could, and I say could because it will take some doing, be right where you plan to be.
You said earlier you didn't like to think about values, because that was difficult.
So what are your boundaries? How will you express them to W? You put in the "difficult" work now and this gets so much easier. You'll no longer have to worry about every little interaction and what your response should be.
As Sandi said, you did tell your W what you would want to see from her to start working on your M. Hold that line.
See how easy that is.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
