He actually says he doesn't know why he can't find it in him to make it work/want it to, is confused himself, stressed, etc. Yet, he has yet to take one iota of responsibility for our marriage getting to this state except for to say he's selfish and we had kids too soon and weren't ready. Other than that, it's all me. Every behavior of his was caused by me vs the other way around. So exasperating and frustrating!
He doesn't know why he doesn't want to work it out? That [censored] but it is the life of a WAW. I was one, it isn't any easier for your H than it is for you, even though it appears that it is.
He doesn't take responsibility? Yes, it is very frustrating when they don't take any responsibility. INFURIATING to be exact. However, this feeling caused 3 or 4 years of major trouble in my M and almost prevented R. ALL I could see was H's lack of accepting any responsibility and it drove me insane. Once I started DBing and took some time away from ourissues, stopped talking about them and looked inside myself - I was able to start recognizing more of my responsibility and it has changed our M.
A
Are things perfect? NO. However, they are much better and I feel very hopeful for a successful, long-term M. We had a very rough day today with my son, tests in the hospitals for a young boy, (on H's 45th birthday), a 6 hour drive that became 8 due to weather, etc., and our R is so changed that we had a great ride home and enjoyed ourselves!
My point in turning this to me is that, you need to turn your M to YOU before it can better. Work on you, worry about you so that your M can improve.
Quote:
I feel like I need to change my desire to parent H. I need to nag less and let him do what he's going to do; knowing when it's best to bite my to hue. I also need to engage in his activities/interests more, and be more complimentary. In addition, when fights do arise I know name calling and threats are not ok.
You are correct, you cannot parent your spouse, it just doesn't work. Think about it this way..why do you want to parent your spouse? You don't!
Name calling? I did it. We aren't taught how to deal with conflict so many of us do it in an immature way. Dbing has helped me with that and I am able to handle conflict w/o fighting.
Quote:
The other think that strikes me in all of this is just how selfish he is in general now. Example: his grandpa died last week. Rather than go to the funeral with the rest of his family on Saturday he hung out with friends.
Yes, it does sound selfish but try to be compassionate like you would with someone you weren't as attached to. Think of things that could be going on that led to this behavior.
Also, think about adding a signature to your profile..it's helpful to know how long you have been together, how old the kids are, etc!
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
