About the "need to change something, anything ..." yes! My DB coach made a good point to validate and support the desired changes because you don't won't to be blamed for holding them back. Let them fail if necessary on their own.
Not only that, but allowing them the freedom to be their new selves makes it more likely they won't feel pressured to leave the M home. This makes it easier to keep some sort of connection, and know where they are both physically and emotionally. I like that.
My W knows I've never held her back, and never will. I truly believe my actions of cutting W space and freedom is a big reason she is still here... and telling me about her world.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
