One month down, zero casualties

[Raine]

Hey AJ, maintain the relationship in what way? With me I dont feel there is any kind of relationship. Close friends? co-parents? He is very puppy dog, but doesnt try anything. You know the only time he contacted me that whole trip was when he was shopping to say he couldn't find his cc and to make sure there wasn't any charges. He bought stuff for himself too. I sent him a pretty nice text after he left, but he never responded to it. Only text I had was that he landed safe and then the one call about the cc.

[AJM]

Linda - wow. You were such a horrible person and he was such a saint, eh? Sounds like a well-practiced line. Wonder if he heard it on this forum somewhere? Kind of pathetic if you ask me. Especially the kind of person that would respond to that thinking it's going to be a healthy thing. Sorry to have heard he treated you that way.

Raine, that's just it. It's hard to put my finger on it, but it really struck me as odd that he would go away and give any thought at all to you. He certainly is not treating you the way you would like to, or deserve to be treated. Don't get me wrong. And of course, it may totally mean nothing.

But while there are many odd things that MLCrs do, befriending their spouses parents isn't "common" (it happens; I've seen it but it's not common per se. At least not in my view) Giving ANY thought to their spouse while on a trip, let alone getting them a gift? That's just "different" at this point. You don't buy gifts for a person you're divorcing. You don't buy gifts for somebody you don't like or care for. You don't buy gifts for somebody you're done with. You just don't spend the time thinking about it.

I honestly can't figure that one, Raine. Seems really out of place to me. Could be nothing to be sure.

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

AJ, I'm glad that I'm not the only one confused. My birthday was crappy. Christmas was crappy. He gave me a pair of socks, after I had given him gifts from the boys and one from me. Yay, socks! Anniversary and Valentines were not acknowledged in anyway. Mothers day was pretty crappy. He has had multiple trips since BD, and this is the first he has brought me anything.

He couldn't be around my parents while we were separated either. My guess is the guilt was overwhelming. Before all this he was close to both of my parents, as if they were his own. Granted this was a situation he was just thrown into to be in the car with my dad, but their conversation meant a lot to him.

I think he wanted to come home multiple times before, but he would never ask. He would hint, but that could be taken as something other than coming home. It wasn't until I offered, and I only did cause he had no where else to go. He could have found a place, and certainly could after 7 weeks. It may be because he doesn't want to lose the time with the kids, or it could be to stop me from D while he is still figuring things out, or avoiding figuring things out. I feel like he will not do anything until forced to. Until I do something forcing an action, then he will have a reaction. That has been the case so far. Which makes me feel like he will not try to reconcile with me until he has lost me. He will continue to hold onto everything. Just a guess. I'm not doing anything. I want it to be because he wants to, not because he feels he has no options. I think if it gets to the point that I take action, I may not turn back no matter what he does.

My mind reading sense still says he doesn't know what he wants. He just doesn't want to lose options, so he keeps a line to me. He may also be in a tightrope with me, sense any wrong move and I will be gone, hence his voice mail message he didn't realize he left where he was very upset.

He is still going through cycles of depression, and even though he can't shut down here like he could in his own place, he wants to be here. He can easily leave at anytime. There is a definite, strong connection to me. An approval seeking connection. It will be interesting to see if he continues to shave, because I happened to say I didn't like it.

Things just continue to move faster than I expect and in directions I'm not anticipating. T2 wondered if H stayed home a lot longer than most and didn't leave until he was closer to being done baking, like rH's H. That does make some sense when considering replay actions began three years ago. Things are way better than 8 months ago, but I still feel like we are so far away from "us" that I don't want to think about it or be dealing with all of these R type things that are being thrown my way.

Linda, I agree. Having the multiple OW has made it easier on me. The times I have been super upset is when I think he is connecting to one of them. But no, it's all very childish, and superficial and all about physical stuff. When stuff starts getting away from that, he turns off. Very predator like with both sides using the other.

[RosaLinda]

I don't know Raine, but maybe you're right that your H is avoiding figuring things out, and will continue to hold onto everything - you, the boys, and the OW - until you force the issue with him. I don't think you'll have to go so far as to have him actually lose you, but that might speed things up. It's interesting that he might be sensing that you feel that "if it gets to the point that I take action, I may not turn back no matter what he does." I'm still not sure you're right about him shaving. I'll be interested in whether that does continue or not. 

How are you doing with all this craziness and stress all around you though Raine?

[Raine]

Hiya sweet Linda I still have unanswered questions on the shaving and OW2. The story is hanging...I think he shaved again this morning. What is this madness?

I'm doing really well, because I'm not thinking about it much. Eh, let him spin, right? I'm laughing a lot this last week, and it feels great. In my own little world, life is a Michael Bubles song. It drags me down to write about H, to be close enough to it all to feel the need to document it. Kind of nice to write about it, get it out of my system by doing so, and then focus on the positive.

[AJM]

Kind of nice to write about it, get it out of my system by doing so, and then focus on the positive.

Very nice indeed. Helps a lot. I have volumes written on paper (I burned most of those though) and here online. It's a great way to get things out in a safe way. Keep doing it as needed and whatever you do, keep laughing. Life is really funny if you stop and look at things that way

He wants to get approval and he wants to maintain a connection of sorts? Ya think?

Things just continue to move faster than I expect and in directions I'm not anticipating.

Um, yeah. Can keep you off balance until you get your sea-legs, no?

Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

I try to find humor in everything. That is something at the core that will never change.

Your "Ya think" had me in stitches. Is it really that obvious? In this situation I overstate, try to decipher so much between fact and feeling and personal interpretation. I put it all out there in hopes that I'm just not blinded by hope and disbelief, and that someone far removed can have a better read on it than I do.

AJ, I keep thinking I'm a crab boat fisherman on the Bering Sea. Luckily I have you and others to shout at me from the shoreline of the stagnant lake, "Quit playing with your dinghy!"

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