Emotional Connection and Attraction

[Accuray]

Should I tell her I forgive her?

I would say "not now" -- hopefully you've done that already at some point? You certainly don't want to hold it over her head or throw it at her at every opportunity. In fact, if you never bring it up again you are best served, speak with your actions.

If you agreed with my comments above, then you see that when you shine your "relationship spotlight" on your wife she retreats/withdraws/puts up the "no attraction" defense. This is because the relationship spotlight / let's make a great marriage / let's check on the pulse of this marriage gives her a fear of failure and she doesn't want to feel inadequate.

Your challenge is to do *nothing* to overtly work on the relationship, and telling her you forgive her would fly directly in the face of that.

I know I'm throwing darts here, but ONE of the possible reasons W has put up this wall could be a result of the discussion of six weeks ago when I got text from OMW. When I shamed her about her A.

Time will heal that, your remarks will not. If anything you should be apologizing for your reaction versus forgiving her, because she didn't do anything to precipitate OMW sending that text to you. That said, don't apologize to her either, just let it go -- you are picking at a scab.

We had a great discussion afterward (two days later), but maybe she's holding on to what I said during the emotional convo right after receiving the text.

Maybe she thinks I'll never let it go. Maybe her guilt is contributing to this?

I'm sure she is, time heals, there is no accelerator for you.

Put it in the rearview, what you focus on expands. By dwelling on it you're keeping the elephant in the room.

But I think I've only said "I forgive you" once and that was during MC when I was kind of prompted to.

If she's not deaf she heard you. Read my prior post that you agreed with -- don't put yourself in the "one down" position and continue to claw after this like you want it more. Restore the balance.

But then hypocritically I'm hesitant because it feels like I'm doing all the work or making it too easy on her...especially lately...but then I think about that negative cycle Accuray was talking about and that someone has to pay it forward.

You can punish her or you can piece your marriage back together -- you can't do both. Which one are you going to do? Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, it's for you, not for her.

You can't make it "too easy" for the WAS to return, because they are not returning, you're both starting on a new relationship and that's best done if you wipe the slate clean.

Look, I realize there is a tension there between reclaiming your place in the relationship and restoring the balance of power, versus continuing to cater to the WAS and keep the road paved smooth.

The balance between those two things is "the magic path" and you have to figure it out. It's subtle. You reclaim your power and equality in the relationship by recognizing your own value, by establishing your boundaries, and by guarding them ruthlessly and without compromise. You don't regain your power in the relationship by punishing, controlling or score keeping, so there is no need to worry that you're making things too easy. Just don't violate your core principles.

You will erode your power and equality in the relationship if you continue to overtly "work on it", pursue without ever being pursued, always be the first to give in, and give other signs that you "want it" much more than she does.

Take the break. Agree with W that for the next four weeks the two of you are just going to "be" and not have emotional talks, relationship discussions, or anything else. You're both just going to "do your thing" and enjoy yourselves. Go out and get ice cream together, watch some funny TV show, that kind of thing. Don't read any R books, stay away from self-improvement web sites, etc.

Good luck and hope to see you back here after a break.