Well.....I really did it this morning....I may have blown it some, H is not a happy camper. Here's the latest: Last night H and I exercised, had dinner, wine, and were relaxing on the couch, watching TV. It had the potential of getting cozy.... HOWEVER as we were watching an episode of Law & Order-dealing with a husband that had an affair and basically screwed up 2 families and 3 kids....I was making comments throughout about the poor kids. He said a few times, it's only a story/TV. Then at the end of the show, I responded with some internal anger to the man in the show....and how sad it all was. H bristled, got up and went to bed. That's when I realized how I had slipped and in a sense brought up "our" history. I stayed downstairs, sobbed some, fell asleep, then finally went up to bed.
Ok...there's more:
I woke up at 4:30am....this totally bugging me....prayed briefly, read some posts, then went downstairs on the tredmill to sweat a bit. He got ready for work, came down, talked briefly about my anger at the show last night...and how that really put him off. Said he needed a check for a deposit today for the apt he is considering. I said (bad timing on my part....should not have R talks before he heads of to his "high" pressure job)....but I said....
"I have had a few more thought about you moving out. I am trying really hard to understand your need to figure yourself out and what you really want in all aspects of your life. I'm trying really hard to get that and want you to find happiness again, I really do. I had wished we could do this in the same household and not separate. Though in a way, this may be helpful for me, too. " He listened calmly.
Then I said I had another issue relating to his moving out...."I do have a boundary (stole some of your words KAW) here....that if part of your reason to separate it to pursue a R with another woman....than we may not recover from that. I did not want to go there again."
He sat quietly....and nodded. I asked for a response. He said, "I need to get away and sort all this through....I see that you are giving me an ultimatum, and that you are not flexible or openminded about my decision."
On the way to the train I asked< "so am I to understand that you think I should be open-minded and flexible if you choose to pursue another R?"
He ended the conversation by saying,"if either one of us choose to pursue another R, we should be clear with each other and understand that it means we no longer are willing to deal with our M. He went onto say, "I am now certain, after last night and this morning that finding my own place is the right thing to do. I need to sort through if I have any feeling for you, separate from being the mother of our children, etc. I am really questioning, seriously if we could ever have love and passion for one another again. In the future, I see us as planning any time together for quality discussion/time that we choose to have together."
So....I'm not really upset....maybe a bit numb...more puzzled in some ways and clearer in the fact, that I don't believe he is leaving to pursue another R. Am I fooling myself....was I stupid to put up the boundary? I know Wiley's suggestion may not have pushed him away, like I think I did. But in my heart of hearts.....I don't want to wonder about OW in his life. That's probably a pretty lousy DBing attitude. I am speaking with my C this afternoon...she'll give me a talking to.
