Hi Mooka, Oi ... I have read thru your thread and thought I had posted before this ... I must be losing it!
Should he move out or shouldn't? Sounds like your H is still pondering over his “Shakespearean” dilemma ... from a DBing standpoint one doesn't seem to have an advantage over the other ... both have pros & cons ... they are different approaches and it really comes down the individual sitch.
In my case (just so you have a point of reference that a sitch can turn around without the WAS actually moving out), CAW had an apartment all lined up to move into (that the OM owned! ) date was set and all! Since the apartment had to be renovated before she could move in, the process took a few weeks. I took the stance (similar to what T2 & LL said), that if she really felt she need to move out, I would not stand in her way, but I also let her know it is not the choice I was hoping she would make. I went on to say how I had hoped we would find a way to sort thru the issues without to create two households especially for our daughter's sake. I assured her I was willing to give her as much space as she needed to take to work on her own issues. I did however draw one boundary that I told her was a deal breaker and that was moving out to pursue a continuing R with OM. I simply told her that was a line if she crossed I just didn't think we could recover from (... a point of no return). ... when all was said and done (short version) ... she had made the choice to work on M without moving out.
You did some marvelous DBing over the weekend. You handled your presence in front of him admirabley and your responses during the R-ralks were wonderful. I agree with T2 & LL (Sorry but I didn't get to read any other responses), that at least once, you should express your side, so he does know exactly where you stand, but don't go as far as trying to interfere with his decision.
One advantage of having the spouse stay that I want to point out is it does give you the greatest exposure to WAS to see your changes and more importantly help convince them that they will remain consistant & permanent. On the other hand, the 180 that may have the greatest impact on WAS to shows how different you really are ... is letting them go.
I would continue to DB in increments ... focus on yourself ... be his friend ... be supportive & validate ... invite him to share some good times together (and make sure you have a good time even when he declines) ... give space and loving detach when needed ... and if/when it comes time ... let him go.
Quote: Feeling kind of sad today....but will exercise, work some, and see some friends for a distraction from all this.
You seem to know how to plant yourself firmly on the ground during this helluva rollercoaster ride in limboland park ... that's how we can tell ... you ARE gonna be OK thru this.
) date was set and all! Since the apartment had to be renovated before she could move in, the process took a few weeks. I took the stance (similar to what T2 & LL said), that if she really felt she need to move out, I would not stand in her way, but I also let her know it is not the choice I was hoping she would make. I went on to say how I had hoped we would find a way to sort thru the issues without to create two households especially for our daughter's sake. I assured her I was willing to give her as much space as she needed to take to work on her own issues. I did however draw one boundary that I told her was a deal breaker and that was moving out to pursue a continuing R with OM. I simply told her that was a line if she crossed I just didn't think we could recover from (... a point of no return). ... when all was said and done (short version) ... she had made the choice to work on M without moving out.
