LBH on the Left Coast III: Return of the Lefty

[Spartan]

Just got caught up on your sitch LC and I agree with what Advina wrote. I'm the king of wanting to say something to improve things or 'go on record' and I'm here to tell you it never made a bit of difference for me or my sitch. When I look back I can now admit it was really just a passive way for me to try to control the situation...

I understand what you're saying, sort of, but I have to admit it angers me that you are calling my behavior controlling, defensive, and self-justifying. I have had no control in anything pertaining to our R since the BD. If I am defensive it is because I have been accused of horrible things I did not do. Is it really self-justifying when she makes false accusations and then is shocked that I have a L?

As I type this, I am realizing that it has made me very angry that these words have been thrown at me, and maybe I haven't come along as far as I would like. It just hurts when you have been painted as an irredeemable, villainous brute for six months without a chance to defend yourself or to make amends.

Do you believe the things she's saying? If no then who the hell cares what she says. Does she, or what she says, define who you are?

The truth always comes out. My XW demonized me and lied about things to our family friends to get them on her side and it used to drive me crazy. Rather then stoop to that level and defend myself I just let my actions speak and let people see the real me. Guess what, the truth came out on it's own and my XW no longer even talks with these people who we've been friends with for ever (breaks my heart). My point is you can't control what kind of BS she says or does, all you control is how you act and how you react. Make sure everything you do is with honor, dignity, and grace and everything will work out in the end.

I'm trying to seek personal growth, but I'm not sure exactly what my goals should be. I've kind of lost touch with who I am.

Goal #1: Figure out who you want to be
Goal #2: Do things to achieve goal #1
I know it sounds simple but who is it you want to be? Once you figure out who that is you are in total control to make that happen.

I think it was mostly my fault, but she even said post-BD that she was to blame too.

You were each to blame for the breakdown in your M. M is a 2 way street and you are only 50% of the equation. You can own 100% of your 50% but no more than that. I used to take the blame for a lot of stuff that wasn't mine. Hell, at one point I even blamed myself for her affair. The whole spouse on a pedestal thing... You might have been an a$$ but I guarantee it wasn't all your fault so stop taking it all. Own your stuff and that's it.

I am learning and changing from it, but I cannot find it myself to forgive myself.

I've always said forgiving myself is so much harder for me then forgiving others. I'm not sure what to say to help you with this one. For me personally I started to forgive myself when I started really believing the changes I had made were real and part of me. I owned the mistakes I made and decided not to repeat them. It helped because I realized I did the best I could with the tools I had at the time. Truth be told I went into my M with a very small toolbox and wasn't able to deal with things that came up.

I feel like I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me and will never find happiness again.

Happiness comes from within yourself. Your statement has codependent all over it (i.e. your happiness is tied to your W). I felt the exact same way so I understand why you feel this way. As you continue on your journey you'll start realizing you will be happy again. Might even find you're more happy when you start living life the way you were meant to and being the person you always wanted to be.

But I see taking care of me and building a better future as a selfish and solitary act and nothing to do with fixing what I did wrong in my marriage.

You can't go back and fix what you did wrong in the M; it's in the past. All you can do is take care of yourself and build a better future. By doing that and fixing your issues aren't you fixing what you did wrong so it doesn't happen again? You have no control over fixing anything but yourself, especially since your W has shown no signs of wanting to work on the M (2 way street and both partners have to be traveling the same direction).

I have no idea how to respond to her text, somebody please help!!!!

Why do you feel need to respond right now?