I just to unload here a bit....sort things out in my head.
Last night we had an ok night. I made a decent dinner, acted pleasant, easy going. Not overly upbeat, but pleasant. He was respectful. Asked what I did that day. We made small talk and joked around about our dog, etc.
He fell asleep on the couch, that's when I caught up here. Later on, he woke up and asked me how I was doing. I said, "just fine." He said, " you know....I do feel kind of lost....everything is confusing me...work, our sitch, not knowing my own direction in life.....blah, blah, blah" I listened attentively, said I really wanted him to figure stuff out...to be happy again....to find the real H, that I saw nice glimpses of the H I had first met...the fun, easy-going, insightful person. I said, "I sincerely want you to be happy again, so whatever it takes I'm ok with"
Then he lightened up abit, joked around with the dog and we went to bed. (never any affection or closeness...sometimes quiet talk about the weather, dog)
This morning before work, he said over coffee...."Well I looked at apts yesterday, and found one that may work out. He may put a deposit down this week to get jump started." I asked what part of the city (we live in the burbs)....and the area is the same as the OW (he doesn't know that I know that....back in my spying days, I figured out where she lived...tho never saw them together) Inside I was starting to be reminded of all that....that pain is not too deep below the surface. I covered well, tho. Just stayed quiet. He then kept asking what I thought about all that. I said, "I glad you are finally making plans to figure all this out." He kept pressing me for more of a response, but I said, "I'm fine with it." At the train, he asked again.....I said, "You know, I actually feel better this morning than I thought I would, I'm ok with this." He got a little edgey, and said if I'm holding back and being quiet, that leaves room for him to speculate and that was not a good thing. He kept repeating that....and said he wanted feedback when he mentioned significant things. " I said sometimes I need time to process stuff....he said he totally understood.
Now you know the long drawn out version....(SORRY)...I am now just trying to figure out how to be. Do I act all supportive of this move? Do I pull away more....become more distant? Do I act friendly and upbeat? What do do??
BTW, I also have been pondering our brief conversation yesterday morning about telling the kids. I will be visiting our older D in college out west at the end of Feb...he thought maybe I should tell her in person....over the long week-end, so she could process it all (she's our sensitive, emotional one)...then he thought he could follow it up with a dinner with her on a business trip out there the following week. I agreed with that plan....but now am wondering, "WHY ME??" He is the one that is moving out to "find himself"....can seem to do it here. Why do I have to take that one on. I'm thinking this one through.....I care more about her and her feelings tho....Then we also agreed to tell our son the following week-end when he was home. I may have a session with my C to process through this one.
Thanks for letting me go on and on.
Feeling kind of sad today....but will exercise, work some, and see some friends for a distraction from all this.
