I recently discovered that my wife has been having an affair. I discovered this by basically looking into her private business on an online social network when I suspected something was going on. So we both have trust issues at this point.
We are both in our early 50's have been married for 20 years. We do have a teenage son recently off to college.
I have not been an overly affectionate person and recently between work and a just plain lacking on my part I forced my wife to look outside our relationship. The affair with this also married man has been going on 2-3 months.
When I discovered the affair I was of course upset and had trouble eating, sleeping, etc. After reading about other similar situations which others are having I have healed somewhat or just learned to deal with it better.
Regardless of what she has done I do not want to divorce the love of my life and my soul mate. Two words (among others) which my wife has not heard from me recently. I have asked her if she wants a divorce to which she no and that she wants to give our marriage a chance.
The stumbling block here is that she does want to continue seeing this man and says that she needs to as he has been a positive part of her life when I have not. This man tells her that he only wants what's best for her. This relationship is physical and I know she has feelings for him. Due to my love for my wife and desire not to hurt her I have told to keep seeing this man if she needs to but to limit the physical contact. She said she will try. Sorry if I seem like a whimp here by this is how deeply I love her.
As mentioned this other man is married and has children. I hear that his marriage may not be a happy one. This may be why he and my wife connected in the first place, having this in common. I do not think this man would leave his family if it cam down to it. This man is a friend of a friend my wife has know for some time. As far as I know the affair is only recent though.
As I have now been made aware of my shortcomings I am changing myself and giving her the love and attention she deserves. Unfortunately some of my actions (flowers and cards) have been seen as acts desperation as I have not done this in some time. Looking back I get this now. This was also pointed out to her by the other man. This makes it extremely difficult for me to change myself as I sometimes do not know where the line between an honest positive attempt to change on my part and what would considered only a desperate attempt.
I would appreciate an comments or advise from anyone in my situation. I want to keep my wife more than be expressed in words.
If I have left out any details which would better explain please let me know.
