Need help detaching

[lost_hope]

LH, I know I touched a nerve with a previous post on another thread and I'm sorry.

I truly can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. Separating from your loved one at this time goes against every biological/emotional cell in our beings.

I know you are doing the best you can with the situation you are in and have only the best intentions for your baby.

I do hope you can find some happiness in the midst of all this. Our children sometimes connect with our feelings before we are even cognizant of them.

I wish you the best.

labug, thank you sooo much for writing this. It did touch a nerve and then I felt badly about what I wrote in response, but anyway in addition to the emotions of being in this situation, I guess I am also dealing with pregnancy hormones!

Again really appreciate you coming into my thread to say this and your comments about my situation and PPD. I will have to def do more research about this. From what I read there's three main types of PP disorders (depression, anxiety, psychosis) and I am at risk for PP anxiety/depression bc of the factors I listed. What a mess, eh?

[labug]

Yes, the classification now is Perinatal Mood Disorders and those are the majors.

You're being proactive and educating yourself, that's a good thing

All women are at risk but some are at higher risk. You probably know all the routine things you can do to help prevent depression, do them.

Who's going to be with you at the tie of birth? What support do you have for after the baby comes?

[lost_hope]

So after threatening that he "wouldn't be there for me" in the hospital (nice, huh) he is now adamant that he will be there and wants to be the first person to see his son. So he is coming into the OR with me (c section). If I can have two people then I will also bring my mom. She is flying in from the US (I live in Canada now) to be there for me and will stay with us for two weeks. We are closing on our condo at the end of the month (after baby's birth) and also getting possession of our new house on the same day. But bc we have some work to do on it we are going to be living with my MIL for 1-2 months first. So I will have her support when my mom leaves, and I guess his by default. I am so hoping he will fall in love with his baby, if not me, and get back on track with me and his new family.

I am going in to see a prenatal social worker to discuss the preventative measures in more detail and yes I am being proactive about it. I shared this with my H and he wants me to "wait and see" but bc I've been previously diagnosed with general anxiety (and situational depression that cleared in a couple of weeks) I am really, really at risk here. And I just want to do what's best for my baby. More than me, more than my H, more than my marriage, I just really really want to do the best for him.

[labug]

Have you read Big Bruce's thread? You might find some parallels but seen from the male POV.

[lost_hope]

Thanks labug. I have and I don't find parallels with BB and my situation at all ... even male POV.

I was ok today (not too happy or too sad about things). I was out all day at work, H is going to out at night for a work thing. We had a relatively good night last night (amicable, friendly, no arguments, etc.). I don't pursue actively anymore, but I still am prone to the "you don't care about me because" statements. I guess that is a given now ... ??

Anyway, my GAL for tonight is more a chore that must be done out of necessity. Packing! And then I will read a chapter in DB.

[lost_hope]

I wish I could be more heartless. And I even wish I could hate him. But I don't despite everything. Woke up sad this morning but I am going to fake a PMA and go to work and distance myself. This cycling is hard. Just when I think I'm more accepting of things it hits me like a ton of bricks. The only thing I've done differently on my last two down cycles is not share it with him. Making extra effort to hide and eventually combat the feelings.

[JaxFL14]

Lost,
Don't wish you can be heartless. Be who you are. I felt and said the same this about not being a nice guy and that women seem to want A holes and I believe it was you that stepped in and said you wish you had a nice guy.
I know what you mean about the cycling, just yesterday I was down and today I'm up and feeling ok about myself. Roller coaster that is just no fun. Trying to understand I can only work on myself and what I believe I do wrong in relationships and that my W is in her own journey right now. Doesn't make it better but allows me to cope. I pray that the birth of your son can flip that father/family instinct in your H and thst can bring you together.
How do you feel your hormones while prego have affected your relationship? I ask cause I have friends who's wife are crazy crazy and mean. Mine said the thought of sex made her sick while prego so that's 10 months of no intimacy X 3 kids. Lol. Hmmm, disconnect maybe. Lol. Take care and thinking about you and you baby daily from down her in FL. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

[lost_hope]

Thanks Jax. You are right. I shouldn't wish to be heartless but if I were it would be easy for me to detach and maybe even leave him. I mean sometimes I get really mad at how this is all going down and think I shouldn't let anyone treat me this way. But then, I made vows and I really meant it when I said for better or worse. So I will honour those vows and fight for my marriage as much as I can. More steady DB after baby is born for sure.

I'm more emotional during pregnancy but certainly I'm an emotional woman and I've disclosed that I have general anxiety (which doesn't help in these situations with H at all). I am the one wanting to ML, we haven't in 17 weeks and no other forms of intimacy either. It's hard for me and I also start wondering how long he, as a man, can last without it. For the record I do not believe he is cheating and so I don't think he's getting it anywhere else. He claims he is scared of hurting the baby (which may have been true initially bc I had some placenta issues but certainly we've been cleared my doctor to ML and I know it's more to do with his emotional state about our M).

This is soo hard. I will also pray for you and your family down there in FL! Have a great day. And let's try to keep the PMA and focus off our spouses.

[planet]

Men can last a pretty long time. I don't think your H is going out looking for one either.
If we don't want an affair, we won't.

[lost_hope]

Aw thanks planet. That's nice of you to say. How are you doing with your situation? I like to read all before I comment so still catching up with yours.