Heck yeah, panic attacks su*k. I can recall having some when having to deal with my ex. Cold sweats, racing heartbeat, etc. Was more like PTSD than just panic attacks.
Something to consider - look at how they treat PTSD for some ideas how to handle them. But for me it came down to the source and dealing with that
Peace, AJ
P.S. Banana split cake? Sounds interesting. And it sounds like he just wants to complain and belittle, not that your cake wasn't good. Drop what he said and realize he had more than one helping. He's lucky you didn't make it out of cat food
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hey you guys! I'm lmao at your comments about the cake. I didn't even make my h a cake for his b-day this year. Why, you ask? Because he moved out the day before his b.d. Now I wish I had and used some of those ingredients that you are suggesting. I felt a little bad that I didn't get him a card OR a gift I couldn't find an appropriate card other than a get well card that looked pretty fitting.
miz, you need to be Canonized! Get your passport girl, you're going to Rome! Italian men are pretty darn charming so if you need a travel companion, say the word and I'm there!
Panic attacks can be scary. I use to have them while I was still working. Every now and then I feel one coming on but most of the time I seem to be able to "think" myself out of it.
Take care and BREATHE! Slow and controlled breaths seem to help ward off the panic attacks.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Hi uRworthy!! I'm glad I make you smile That makes me smile too!!
AJ, I will check into PTSD related things. Thanks for the heads up.
I hope this cake is good. Its banana cake with a layer of pineapple preserves another of strawberry preserves, chocolate ganache and walnuts and cherries on top. And it looked much prettier in the magazine lol. And the cake was from scratch. I was actually making it during the text war. (Recipe didn't call for irony, that was just my own idea ) I might have used cat food (or cat-something), but this is a shared cake for D19 and H, and the rest of the family too. Perhaps next time I'll do something "special" just for H.
TVS, lol. He does have a way about him sometimes.
Right now he's mad at me, I do believe. This isn't mind reading, this is living with someone for 21 years and knowing how they behave when they're mad.
But, now, he's coming home for a dinner out for D19. Told me that's what he thought the plan was. I almost wish he wasn't... have to wait and see how his behavior will be.
I don't think I've shared that there is something wrong with his back of late? He has been to the doctor once and was told it is a spinal thoracic lumbar sprain. It is causing him quite a bit of pain. And me quite a bit of worry. He goes back to the doctor Tue. (MIL called yesterday asking for H. I told her where he was. "J! He has a sore back, what'd you let him go to the casino for?" Fortunately it seems it was a rhetorical question.)
Thank you all so much for stopping by
Have a great week!!
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Yeah that mushy, flowery stuff just doesn't express it right now, does it? I think we should contact Hallmark and tell them to broaden their subject matter. There has to be a lot of demand for MLC cards. Figuring that the average person is in it for 5+ years X an average of 4 greeting card purchases per MLCer per year X the number of people giving the MLCer a card X the number of people in MLC at any given time....hmmmm, I have a headache but I can tell you that's a lot of frickin cards.
Did you tell your MIL that you weren't your h's mother and that if he doesn't have enough sense to take care of himself that he will pay the consequences? Oh, I just remembered, it will be YOUR fault that his back isn't healing. Maybe he can blame the Banana, strawberry, chocolate ganache cake.
I've been to Italy many times and have visited quite a few areas and cities but only spent a 1/2 day in Florence so I missed most everything there. Was your trip to study the art in Florence?
I'm thinking about you right now, hoping that the B.D party is going well and that your h is eating cake instead of wearing it. Hope he's behaving himself tonight.
Buona sera!!!!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Its banana cake with a layer of pineapple preserves another of strawberry preserves, chocolate ganache and walnuts and cherries on top
Holy Frijoles!!
Got a pointer the recipe? That sounds ridiculously good.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Hi guys. A subdued and thoughtful MizJ reporting today.
NLT
Maybe that's a business idea? Seems I did hear about some sort of nasty greeting cards a while back. But I wasn't looking for nasty. Well, I might have picked up nasty and read it with an evil smile, but then I'd have put it back. I was looking for, idk, Happy Birthday despite yourself... lol
Did you tell your MIL that you weren't your h's mother and that if he doesn't have enough sense to take care of himself that he will pay the consequences? The MIL, ah the MIL. The MIL is partly deaf and mostly not interested in what other's have to say. Or so it seems. When she asks questions there is no pause for the other person to respond. So in this instance my response was something of a squeak as a jumble of things fought for expression. But I'm sure she didn't hear that. And I'm sure she didn't hear me banging my forehead (gently) into the wall during the convo.
AJM
Got a pointer the recipe? That sounds ridiculously good.
The recipe was in the August Family Circle Magazine. If its not available on their site let me know and I'll post it.
The cake turned out ok - that's even the rating H gave it. He also said it was a little dry, which it was. It called for 3 mashed bananas. I didn't have any bananas so used 3 jars of baby banana food. Maybe I should have used 4?
Ok. Serious question now. I have pointed out that many of H's behaviors have been present for years. Wow, I can't believe I'm thinking/asking this. Guys, how do you know if someone is crazy? Obviously I don't mean the crazy you see in movies, but I presume there is a spectrum, and how do you know if a person has a couple of notches along that ruler?
H spent about 40 minutes last night explaining how he is a super human. His belief stems from having been in accidents where he "should have died" but came out relatively unscathed. He thinks he has some sort of genetically altered super skin that becomes like armor when the adrenaline is high.
And this is not the first time he has said this kind of thing. As part of DBing, I have been trying to "actively listen" to H. So, I've "heard" this stuff before, but I'm not sure I'd ever really listened. Before I passed this off as just H babbling. But I believe he believes this.
And, did you know that all men only make eye contact and smile at women who they find attractive? Doesn't mean they would act on that attraction, but if they don't find a woman do-able they don't bother to make eye contact. The eye contact and smile combination means the woman is prey.
Oh, and H has a new "system" for black jack. Not really earth shattering news there, because he has a new system about twice a month. (Well, I thought so, but when I mentioned this I was told NO.) And this system seems possibly loonier to me than the last systems. Honestly folks, I'm waiting for H to come home and say "I've noticed a pattern that when the person next to me wears red, and the person two chairs down wears purple, such and such happens." Because H firmly believes he sees patterns where nobody else does. Which leads me back to the crazy question.
And if he is crazy, what is my moral, ethical obligation here? Please, I'm not asking about this from a co-dependent perspective. I'm saying if H really is across some sort of line, what am I supposed to do? What is the right thing?
And, if he has crossed that line, well whatever hopes I may have had about him progressing through a crisis period... well I guess they're gone. Not that he couldn't be both (I'm sure crazy isn't pc) crazy and MLC. So maybe one day the MLC might diminish - but what about the crazy?
The upside of this idea is that it truly becomes "not about me". (Well, H would probably say I was the one who made him crazy, but that's just crazy talk )
Ok. Funny story. My poor S20. The slightly socially awkward, lonely critter that lives down the hall with his 2 cats and a rat. He was in a wedding Saturday. Came home with a girls phone number!! (Because she gave it to him.) S20 is a bit on cloud 9. Tells me that he's a little worried though because she has a "reputation". For what I asked? Drugs? Crazy? Sex? Turns out the rep was "sex". I looked at him for a minute. "Is that a problem for you?" He says he thinks it should be a problem for him. (Oh that boy SMH) Well I said, the reputation could be wrong, or it could be that she's changed. I pointed out that S20 has a reputation for being a stoner but he hasn't smoked for about 2 years. I advised him to get to know the girl so he could make his own decision. And he did. More cloud 9. And a date is scheduled for today - this was last night. After his proud announcement of the date and receiving his congrats, I asked S20, so, how old is she? Gasp! S20 doesn't know!! He runs off to the phone.
A few minutes later he pops his head in the bedroom door.
"Never mind. She's 15."
S20 = Ziggy Sigh, poor kid.
Cheers
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
H spent about 40 minutes last night explaining how he is a super human. His belief stems from having been in accidents where he "should have died" but came out relatively unscathed. He thinks he has some sort of genetically altered super skin that becomes like armor when the adrenaline is high.
And this is not the first time he has said this kind of thing. As part of DBing, I have been trying to "actively listen" to H. So, I've "heard" this stuff before, but I'm not sure I'd ever really listened. Before I passed this off as just H babbling. But I believe he believes this.
And, if he has crossed that line, well whatever hopes I may have had about him progressing through a crisis period... well I guess they're gone. Not that he couldn't be both (I'm sure crazy isn't pc) crazy and MLC. So maybe one day the MLC might diminish - but what about the crazy?
The 'crazy part' is disturbing for two reasons. First, if this has been a part of him for awhile, then why would it go away? Also, maybe it will interfer with him dealing with his issues and never emerge from MLC?
It's tough dealing with the crazy part if they don't see that they need help.
In retrospect, I wish I had taken my ex to the psychiatrist for his OCD issues - however, they never seemed severe enough and he would have just turned the focus onto me, I'm sure. Also, you get so USED to living with crazy, it's only in retrospect that I see HOW bad he was.
Your H definitely sounds nutty - mania, perhaps, or early psychosis of some sort? Do you have any suspicion of substance abuse? What's his diet like? Does he have any physical ailments? Any history of concussions or brain trauma?
My ex, in retrospect, probably has very mild bipolar tendencies, definitely has some OCD, and all of this got worse after he had several concussions in an 8 year span.
Although I do feel kind of guilty for not getting him more help when he might have cooperated (he did, however, see a psychiatrist and take antidepressants for a while when we first reconciled) - I know that he would never have admitted that he needed help with those issues, since everything was MY fault in his mind.
My ex is not my problem anymore. But if you want to try to help your H, you might try the following: - get his B12 level checked, or at least get him to take some B12 sublingual tablets (under the tongue). B12 deficiency can arise from a variety of GI issues and psychosis and paranoia can be symptoms if it gets bad. (Same for thiamine deficiency, btw, which is rarer but occurs in alcoholics with poor diets and people with severe bowel problems).
- N-acetyl cysteine is a supplement that has some effectiveness with compulsive gambling and other addictions, look it up.
- you might speak to his personal physician about your concerns (s/he might not be able to answer you, due to HIPAA privacy rules, but you can still voice your concerns.)
- try to figure out if your H is abusing any drugs, prescription or otherwise (and make sure he's not on any Parkinson's-type meds, these are known to cause compulsive gambling and other compulsive behaviors).
- ask him outright if he ever hears voices.
BTW, the thing about not dying in accidents sounds very much like the plot of a movie called Unbreakable with Samuel Jackson.
) I might have used cat food (or cat-something), but this is a shared cake for D19 and H, and the rest of the family too. Perhaps next time I'll do something "special" just for H. 
I almost wish he wasn't... have to wait and see how his behavior will be.
He goes back to the doctor Tue. (MIL called yesterday asking for H. I told her where he was. "J! He has a sore back, what'd you let him go to the casino for?" Fortunately it seems it was a rhetorical question.)