are ya there??? are ya okay??? I just got to fla and read your last few posts
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I am feeling my own depression looming, I feel to stuck, and I don't have may happy days of fun, or fulfillment. I think I am past the GAL and more intense decisions need to me made. ________________
i feel like this soemtimes too- I feel it is CRUCIAL i take a stand and pick a direction. then i think about my own finances and the liklihood of being very darn poor and worried ABOUT THAT ALL - AND THEN i weigh it- and then i say one more day- (and then so metimes i'm disgusted thinking i'm a real "worm" who is afraid to takwe on the world today)
i wake up in morning and lay there kind of dreading the day- then say- okay, wtf are you going to do- lay there and die???? and then i get up- get going, and that is that.
stop thinking and move. i can't remember feeling "happy" really exactly yet- BUT i can remember i used to and liked it and valued it.
i'm thinkign it will come again to us gals - sometime - someday. i think your sitch is sucking the life out of you. i think ofyou all the time- becasuse we discuss the "in your face" thing - and then the "being gone" thing.
i'm always saying i'm loney & bored all alone- i hate it; then i get with him and his "ennui' is shoved in my face and i hate it- and it's crappy & i think it would be easier to walk away from him when he's here, then when he's not.
what the heck that means or plays out as- i have no idea.
for this one minute i'm in my "don't think- don't need to decide mode". \ CAN YOU get your brain to that place a bit- i think it might help you. all the good advice in the universe matters, but doesn't matter too. you are on your course here- if i were in your shoes- i would be doing the same darn thing.
that is true. i'd be doing the books and managing the business as i always had. what in the world would it benefit you, family, kids, h or anhyone in the universe for you to drop that particular ball????
it's bad enough you cannot change your h's brain and make him inspired to want to work & do it rite. why would becoming poor as hell benefit anyone (well, one minute before absolutely necessary. that is my own contention here-
when discussing morals and decisions and "the thing to do" according to "them". th is stupid, unseen, unknown societal big brother that dictates what we're all SUPPOSED TO DO in every stupid situation (on a very vdry superficial level - like, tv and movies say so) .
i honestly think it's how people (americans anyway) live. MY POINT- screw that junk. it's all hooey-
you are the guy in your shoes- you are the guy deciding what is best for you-your life, future, family- comfort, roof over head- etc.
tell your little brain to take a rest and decide your part for this moment is to roll along and see what happens- and do your little part as you always have (which seems to be your comfort level and is your tie toboot). if not that? why would you be here anyway and not run away screaming long long ago.
it is depressing- ive thought a million times i'm depressed - then i force myself to go do something- go visit someone- go depress someone else with my lousy attitude - but go do it anyway. sorry for allt eh people i've forced to endure my attitudes and rants- it had to be done to save self.
go find a support group or anyone in the universe. even if it's a casual new friend for r4anting purposes.
if your h is "gloing down" becasue he won't address his problems and do something to get help- you can do something for dawn and not go down that road with him. rant your head off my dear- here and anywhere you can - find friends to listen- get busy doing anything in the univese that gets you out of house - the stupid ole substituting was good good good- getting the heck out. dressing up and the kids notice everything you wear & say & do. it was affirmation that i was still there - somewhere.
go DO IT - don't allow him to suck you down into his little balck mud hole???
okay- you're worrin me man- i'm not saying i've got it all conquered- it's one tiny minute at a time- one tiny step at a time- you sayign to self rite now- this minute- OKAY , LETS GO EAT A SCONE- DRIVE TO MALL- JOIN AN EXERCISE CLASS- BOOK CLUB- ANYTHING AT ALL- GO FIND A PERSON/PEOPLE/ACTIVITY/JOB/
SOMETING FOR YOU. you are all you have . i am all i have.
i think of sister that died (best friend in universe- "irishtwin" - buddy alan - shore house on market- dad dead- mother heading out- h heading out- it's awful to see your entire life drippng away-
BUT - WE'RE ALIVE and since we intend to remain so- we are all we have - rite. and we can do this. we gotta (or give up and be pitiful wrexcks and end it all- who the heck wants to GO THERE??? I'M ASKIN YA???
BESIDES - you hae a swell bunch of kids lookin at you- seeing what you do and how you handle it- i even put on a good & brave face for my neice who is a caring little thing. at any age- we look at our parents and "see how one does things".
if nothing else- we can be brave for the insttruction it provides to kids we love about how life goes and how one handles it.
i'm not pretending my sitch is as scary as yours sounds eomtiems or as big a downer (except for a stinking broken heart is devastating across the board - everyone's are equal) -
i'm sayin- you are dawnie girl andyou can conquer this and you have to (what is more) for you. okay- now that i've blown hot air allover you- i'm wanting to hear "your little voice" - some how- some way- you'll find your way thru
you know what you want and what you are listening to- your gut and your heart. you're makin your best decisions for you at this moment- go with it- it's what you have to do. it would be sooooo nice and convenient in life to just have someone else run ourl ives with our best interests at heart and not have to bother - but it's not likely to happen in this universe.
you have you- you are doing what's rite for you in a scary and unknown sitch.
i'm sayin- go out of that house and remember your dawnness.
wish i was down the street for coffee now - oh well huh??? osmeday we will all have to meet up and put faces on each other . wonder what we'd think of each other in person- wouldn't it be a scream...
me- i'm thinking lots of cake, cookies, potato chips and wine and whining and moaning and laughing like hell because in person it would seem alot funnier- all of it-
take a deep breath- get your butt over this HUMP and carry on.
