You two are hitting right on the nose. Yes, My H does not think any self help books/tapes or even counselling will help him. He thinks he is smarter than that....that all he needs is time and space.
This morning has been kind of rough for me.....he mentioned he was going into the city to work for a few hours (like that's a surprise), but then he's looking at neighborhoods and potential apts. He has looked casually off and on over the past several months....but today he sounds as tho it's for real. I am soooo glad I've been reading some of your history, Sue...and LL, when your spouses left your home. That helped in my responce today. I sat quietly, listened....and said "I want you to do what it takes to figure this out for yourself." I was calm....but somewhat quiet. Then, over the course of the morning, he keeps asking me about my thoughts/feelings. At first I put him off and said I was still sorting through those and have not formed any real conclusions. A while later, he asked again. I said ok....this is what I thinking about. "I want you to find out who the real H is...what you are all about and to figure this out. I, too want happiness, love, and passion in my future with you or one day someone else. I said I do not want to live in a Maintenance mode....just for the sake of the kids and appearances. I said, if moving out and having space will get you there, then that's what you have do do." I also said, "I know my emotions can get the best of me, and I am finding myself distancing from you. Whether that be for self protection and/or building internal strength. I said, maybe you moving out will be good for both of us. I also, started the whole thing, with me willing to give our M all we have....considering all we've invested. (Almost 25 yrs married....plus 3 years prior...dating). We even talked about how we would tell our kids....the logistics of keeping our R private from others....except the very few we trust. We were in agreement about all that stuff.
So, he knows, I'm willing to go the distance...but he says he needs to find out what he's all about, before he can even committ to trying to work on the M. (That really hurts....but I'm learning to accept that we are at such DIFFERENT places here). YUK..
I held it together, said I wanted to go to church (which he almost never does....part of his deal....no strong faith). He followed me upstairs, talked to me while I was getting ready. Asked me about dinner together tonight. He asked if I was ok, I said it's hard, but I will be fine. I said I knew he worried about me (he said YES, I DO)....and reinterated, that I'd be fine, that I had strength and resourses to draw from.
Church helped, as it always does....God is there guiding me....gotta keep my faith and trust with HIM.
I came home, he was gone, and I had a good cry. Read many of your posts and am trying to figure out if I should do a 180 this afternoon when H gets home. Should I say..."maybe this IS all for the best.....maybe I'm relieved to also have some space to sorts things out." I don't want to overstate my thoughts, tho....maybe not say all that, just act "as if" things will be fine. And like you've all said, I will be ok.
Thanks for letting me rambel....
Anyone, with feedback, today and tonight, Id really appreciate it!
