Getting Back to Me

[RealityTrip]

For the first time ever...She said she was divorcing me and leaving me for AP. Then she took it back. then she said it agian. Friday I came home from work and she was still there. She was supposed to be gone. She said she was confused. She said she "knows she is making a mistake" "She doesn't know what's wrong with her."

We talked. My sister was there and they talked. She called her brother and he told her if she was in this much pain over a decision it was probably the wrong one. She went to our neighbors and talked. She was seeking everyone and anyone who would tell her what she should do. Her phone was ringing non-stop. The AP called over and over asking if she had left yet.

She told me she loved me. She was even wearing her wedding ring as she drove away to this other woman. She cried and said she needed me in her life. I told her that I could not maintain a relationship with her because I was in love and it would be too painful for me. That I needed closure and to move on. She cried and asked "What if I don't go to her. What if I go back to my brother's" I said it didn't matter where she went. That she was still leaving and I was no longer ok with our limbo while she maintained her affair. Then she asked, "What if on Monday I realize I've made a huge mistake. You won't let me come home?" I said no.

I wouldn't. There has been just too much and I need some time and space away from her drama.

I finally had enough. She said she was leaving. I got dizzy. I sobbed. I couldn't breathe. She tried to crawl behind me on the bed to comfort me. My sister asked her to leave me alone. I heard my sister say something like you're breaking her heart, you don't get to comfort her.

After catching my breathe I walked to the garage door in the kitchen. I opened it. The car was gone. She really left. I hit the ground on my knees with my hands clutching my chest. I felt it. My heart was breaking.

I don't think my wife believes me. I think this time is like the other two times to her. But this time she was bolder and left directly for AP house instead of under the guise of going to her brother's. I think she thinks I will always be here. I can't. At least not now.

I decided not to go out of town. I didn't want the feeling I knew I would have if I left and returned to an empty house. My sister spent the night and sat in bed as I slept. My body shut down after W left. I couldn't keep my eyes open and it was only 6:30pm. My body was protecting my psyche and put me into a deep sleep. I didn't even dream. The next morning my sister had to leave for home 5 hours away. I laid in bed a cried for a while. Then I got up. I took a shower. I grabbed a notepad and starting making notes of all the things I needed to do...financially, personally, etc... I drove to the storage company and purchased large moving boxes. I started packing my W's things. She had only taken a couple of suitcases of clothes. (she doesn't believe me) I started in the closet. I packed her things respectfully. I do not intend to lose my integrity. The boxes are stackd neatly in the garage. There are 6 and I think the things in drawers will fill a few more.

I took down all of the pictures in the house that were of us or had her family in them. I temporarily deactivated my FB account as it is just a bunch of noise I don't need right now.

As soon as my therapists office opens today I am calling for an appoinment. I haven't seen her in a few months

I am dark. For me. I will move forward with separating things and place it on spreadsheet for her and email it to her for her input. I'm not rushing. But I will do something everyday that moves me forward.

My adult self is determined to take care of my broken hearted child self.

But I still want the phone to ring. I still want the text to come. I still want the email to be delivered. But what I want is not best for me. Anything from her now would be out of fear when she sees she is really losing me. In all of this time she has never really truly experienced the consequence of what she thought she wanted. I have been standing for her, for us. It's time. Time for her to see if she can make her fantasy a reality. Time for me to stop reading the past and start writing my future.

For the record, I am still a wreck.