talk about pma - you were the "queen of pma" on the 18th. i hope you're rite. sometimes i can't get up the "juice" to care-
i'm going to have to have a major test of my "as if-ness" this trip. idk how i'll react when he announces trip to ow- ifit weren't so f'ing icky and making me want to just wack him in advance- i'd be curious to see my reaction.
i mean- how the hell long can you dread something- maybe when it finally comes i'll have dreaded it so darn long that it won't even matter (????)(!!) becasue it's sucked the life out of me totally ALREADY?
YA THINK? LIKE THE russia trip- i mean- we stress & stress- the darn anticipation kills us -
oh if only it were soooo easy to turn it off and just not care - huh?
anyway- you and your certainty that our h's will be normal & devoted guys they used to be.
in theory- when i read "the book", etc.- it seems to make sense on a logical - sane level.
but then- i think over real life- insane rewrite of history he's said - what it's been for past 38 yrs - see the little "rough spots" or whatever you want to call them- in a totally new light.
then i think perhaps i've been the jerk with rose colored glasses allll along - and this man is nothing like what i thought.
serioyusly treasonous thoughts on my part. oh well-
i'm a bit tired and not-oriented to here. it's wierd to walk around the place i lived longer than anywhere else- haven't been in 3.5 months- and wonder what the heck i do here? i do not feel very inspired to be his housemaid & clean it up-
the yard is awful- he's totally let it become overgrown & kinda icky- allll his work creating the paths ... i wonder why he doesn't bother??
i wonder abut everything. sometimes i think he's truly just a fragile human being working out something big. sometimes i think he's a selfish ratty little boy - or a selfish pig of a man- got his money so he deserves IT ALL (ONly him, mind you- not everyone else in universe) - stunted in his youth (maybe when his mom left - but then- how do you reconcile his pain with his ability to do the same thing to someone else? knowing full well how bad it felt and what a stinking raw deal it all was? he always says worst part was that he didn't see it coming - not a clue!!! duhhhhh.....
one has to wonder. i'm no psychiatrist. at some point in life- i think- we take the lumps for our actions. sane or not- just or not- bottom line seems to be we're adults making choices.
me- i screwed up getting place up north and believing him when he said it was okay and we were okay. BLAM - i was foolish as hell. he is foolish as hell to be doing what he is- idk - oh well huh???
hoppe you are good -y our thread is a huuuuuge & busy place. i hope you are doing okay and not dreading tooooo much (which i know you are- but hey- i can wish you weren't rite???) the trip-
your sitch is soooo wierd and awful- like you- i absolutely hate my h being alllllll non-touching and icky about me. his indifference makes me want to kill him most of the time- if it weren't such a icky thing that is totally out of my own realm of possibilities - but i feel good sayign something sooo awful- (you kn ow- rotten talk - it fortifies me sometimes with it's wacky exotic big fat bag of air-ness)
okay- this particular hot air balloon is going to go do something to feel "at home" a bit (if possible).
xxoo glad you're there- we'll get thru it - of that i am sure- hwo the heck and what the heck - idk & idc
