arrived in fl -just poking around thismorning. miss my "gang" out here.
good words - it's true i believe - your4 bit about acting as if and it becomes so. i feel waaaay less "rabid" than i used to - alllll the time. i'm not happy about the way things are with us and his ow, etc. sometimes you're rite about anger moving me - somewhere anyway (if not exactly forward) - at least it's not backward or disabling me.
alot of the time now (2 yr post bomb) i am "neutral" - not happy, but not sad & wounded.
alot of the time when i'm busy i do not think about him, r, life,e tc. that is good too.
he is being nice- he is "acting as if" he gives a damn if i'm alive or dead - i remind myself nothing is changed.
i am just waiting for something here-
you are rite tho- when you said the breadth & depth of their "changes" didn't happen over nite.
me- i'm thinking my h has alwasy had a selfish rat side he just never showed to me. it was for others.
it's not pleasant to be on the receiving end- i don't know if i ever make it back into the "most favored companion" slot.
alot of the time i don't know if i care anymore - and if he's so thoroughly ruined the "love" part- it's irretrievable. i decided last month it's okayb for me to not know a darn thing about this- complete with no decisions.
Ipressureed myself quite alot to "figure out rite answer" "take right steps" "know right answer & JUST DO SOMETHING" TO END this intolerable sitch.
idk now (honestly) how it ends for or with us.
he just left for hospital- i am clueless about what the heck i'm doing here and why i came (other than seeing my neices babies) -
maybe it will be awful and i will not be soo casual when he announces he's going off to boink ow - it gives me stress thinking bout it - produces more "hate" than anything else.
oh well huh??? this is about the wierdest place to be in life- who woulda thunk it? but you're also rite that we just need to hold our heads up- be who we are- and try and have some dignity in our belief in self.
