God, I wish you could EDIT after posting. Must slow, down and take a breath.... ;-) What I meant was, she initiated the texts and emails, is all. The disaster.... I'll own up to that. :-(
After all that, I couldn't sleep last night, so when she texted me today and asked if I would be able to go somewhere while she came over to visit the cat and get some stuff, I said I needed to rest today and it wouldn't be a good time. That went ok with no fighting at least.
I see you posted on my thread, so you saw the WAS info i'd gathered.
I need to name that first 3 month cycle they all go thru to "The provoke stage", cause that's all they want to do, create distance. Trust me I know how hard it is to not get caught up, but your playing right into her hands. You are pushing her further away, and soon, if your not careful, you'll push her all the way out, with no coming back.
Since your out in the sticks, can you start a garden? I know its not exactly manly, but it can keep you busy. Have any paint in the ole' garage, touch up the house? Pick some weeds, clear up around the house. Maybe pick a bedroom or living room and rearrange the furniture?
When she sends a text, next time before you respond, the first thing you need to say to yourself is........"Is what I say gonna make it worse...........". You already know nothing you say is gonna make it better.
Slow down.......cause your not gonna get the answers you want right now anyways.
One thing I need to do is not reply to any text/email when I'm not really awake. That's what started the backslide last couple of times. Woke up to email, answered without thinking and fell back to sleep.
Thanks Thumpered. We're already at the stage where she's going to file, because she signed paperwork, and I'll be served.
But, I am going to go completely dark. It has been almost exactly two months since she left. Maybe I can keep my cool for another month and maybe she'll cool off - I know there's no absolutes about these times, but just hoping.... I think she's burned thru a lot of anger, but I'm sure there's a lot still there. I know I pushed her into this and into that R even more. I know it in my head but my heart failed at the critical moment. :-(
It hurts so much, because of the OM thing. I know that other people understand and have felt that hurt, also more than once, as is my case.
I just hope and pray that the foundation this new R is built on has cracks, and that it will crumble. With my health, and the depression, and the isolation, I just don't feel I have enough resources within me to hang in there and stay healthy and employed long enough to see any hope of making it thru this. My job is so demanding - I'm on call again soon, and can't take any time off any time soon.
She always says our marriage was only a convenience anyway (because we lived together for many years). When I did converse (pushing away, I know...) I let her know my intention was not to fight if she wanted to end it, because of that. And when I made the big mistake in talking about her R with OM was to say that if it didn't work out I hoped we might be able to reconnect (or something... paraphrasing myself again).
I only mention this, not to ask for more reminders of why this was just pushing her further. I get that. :-( I mention it because at least she knows my intentions. I do understand that right now even she might not know what she thinks about any of this and I try to remember the rule "don't believe anything she says...."
The one thing I did do right in all that mess was to validate and acknowledge her feelings about how this happened and why when she's tried to express them.
I told her I fully understand how she feels and why she'd feel that way.
And I did that not as any kind of tactic or trick. I've done a lot of soul searching and I know why we're where we're at, at least in respect to how I treated her as a W. I can really see how hurt she's been, and still is, and see that she's not enjoying this, or doing things just to be cruel.
I read somewhere on here about looking at it like that W is gone and that M is gone no matter what, because neither of us would, or should, want it back the way it was.
Maybe I have a different idea of validating than you DMR. I thought we are supposed to make the validating statement ("I understand why you would feel that way") and that's all. Not elaborate or continue. I would appreciate some input from the vets here.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I think you're right. That's what I did, when it came to that topic. Not sure if you're confused about the way I worded that, but when I said "and why she'd feel that way." I literally meant that I told her those words. I didn't explain why...
The other stuff that got out of control was when I took the bait, I guess and didn't just reply with a nice validating statement.
I really think that my W kind of hoped I'd have been so unhappy in M and living here, that I'd just quickly go back home to be near my family, and she could put everything behind her and move on cleanly. But, I can't see that happening any time soon, no matter how things go for us. I'm stuck here for quite some time.
