Today I broke a major DB rule, but I've been thinking about this for awhile and was willing to do it. I found that my W has been texting her surf instructor a lot. So does my W now have 2 or 3 ongoing EAs? I confronted my W mid-day and told her that as my wife it is inappropriate for her to pursue these other men. If she wanted to continue, then she would have to move out. I wasn't going to put up with it. She of course argued that she doesn't send them "many texts" and that they are innocent things. I did see one text message because she left her phone on, and it was not so innocent, she was inviting him to join her and some other friends some place.
After dinner tonight, we went for a walk in the neighborhood to talk. My W and I are able to discuss these things without yelling or nastiness. I told my W that I'm going to be checking the phone records and I expect to not see any texts to these men, and if she does need to send them a text, then I want to see the text message. We'll see how long she will put up with this. I was thinking that usually this just drives their behavior underground, but I cannot see any alternative communication modes for her?
This relationship talk went into different areas, and my W was very lucid. I figured since I broached the subject of OM and EAs, that I would also talk about how we're living together. I told my W that I've been making efforts to do things to make her happy, and I felt like she need to start reciprocating more. That as long as we're married and living together, we should make the best of it. My W's position is that she does these things and that I'm especially needy because of BD and other things. She makes a good point here, and I acknowledge it -- I am extra sensitive due to BD and the fact that inside she maintains she does not love me.
My W did check out Craigslist after I first confronted her. She told me about an apartment she found and we talked about it such a normal voice. I think she likes to look and see that there is this other option.
My W then talked to me about her plans to return to school. How her chances of being accepted are slim, and how she knows going is terrible, but for her not 'changing something' is even more terrible.
My W told that she was discussing her sitch with a friend who recommended counciling to here. I didn't encourage it, said if it helped her, then do it.
We talked about some other minor things. At the end, I told my W that I wanted her to be happy, I wanted to stay married, and be a family with her, but I needed to be treated better. She didn't respond and just thought about that.
The truth is that I'm really at a point that I need a little more from her to continue DBing. I really feel that her pursuit of other men, even if she doesn't go as far as a PA is not acceptable to me, and I would rather she move out then stay and continue this activity.
I'm not going to push or pressure anymore, but I will check the phone records at the end of the week, and I will hold her to not texting these guys, or showing me the text messages to prove their innocence.
