Thanks SLU. I felt great before, during and after it. I think I have detached quite a lot this week. That is the great thing about being fine either way, none of it effected my mood.
I felt like I had great control when I spoke.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
W: I have noticed that during 10 days of the month I am a different person to the rest of the month. Me: Its good that you have noticed that. It must be hard to have to go through that and learn to live it. W: I can be in a room with just the cat and I feel myself getting annoyed with it and wanting to get it out of the room. It makes me realise I must treated you in that way. Me: Even though its hard to do you are still responsible for your actions. You can feel bad but still choose to not lash out.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
T1000, sounds like a good breakthrough and you handled yourself really well.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
W sent me a message mid afternoon. It looks lie she had seen a pic via her sister I put on FB of the kids at the beach. She made a comment on what they were wearing. I don't know if she was having fun or being critical so I ignored it.
Got to W's house. I stood on the doorstep and said goodbye to the kids, W looked...down? I was walking to her gate and she came to the door and said: W: When are we going talk about all this? Me: What exactly? W: Are we getting divorced, everything involved. Me: I don't know. W: I'd like to talk. Me: Now? W: Yes, after the kids are in bed (20 minutes until their bedtime).
I stood there thinking it all through, all things were rushing through my head. I cleared my head and thought 'what do I want to do?' I had some time to spare and I didn't want it hanging over my until next Sunday which would be the only appropriate time to do it (Sunday evenings).
Me: OK, I'm going to get something from the car.
I went to the car and had a bit of a think. No staying for food or anything else no matter what. Talk after the kids are in bed (if she can wait that long) and then leave.
We sat in her main room for a fews mins, she was showing my a media box she installed. It was aright mess. She asked if I wanted sort it out for her. Normally that would be right up my street, playing with wires and making it all neat. I said no thanks. She asked why not, I just said I don't want to. (I would have felt pressure to do it in the past)
W: Shall we go in the other room? Me: OK W: What have you done this weekend?
I told what we had done...... Wife then dealt with the kids for a few mins and came back in the room.
Me: So what do you want to talk about? W: I don't know what to do. On one hand I want us to stay married and work it out on the other hand theres so much bad stuff that has happened. I can't move back to (where I live). Me: Even though that sort of thing is important it's not relevant right now. You need to decide whether or not you want to be married to me. If you don't we get divorced, if you do we make a plan to repair the marriage. If we don't repair the marriage all the other stuff doesn't come into it. Discussing/arguing over where we would live is pointless if we don't end up together. W: What do you want to do? Me: I have always stood for our marriage but I am getting really fed up of living in this weird limbo where no one knows what is happening. Either you want to try and fix this and we do the necessary steps to make it happen or you don't and we get a divorced and be done with it. W: What are the necessary steps? Me: We see a MC. You go to see a therapist... (She interrupted) W: Why do I need to see a therapist? Me: Because you do, your mood swings from one complete extreme to the other. You need help.
(She tried to make a joke out of which I semi played with.)
W: I'm not that bad. (she said while slightly smiling) Me: Yes you are, you really are that bad. (I said while slightly smiling) W: I can't see it working without you living here. Me: It has to work without me living here. We have tried 'just starting again" and it failed. We have done "spend the weekend together" thing and after a while it fails. We need a different approach. We would fix it slowly piece by piece until we are ready for the next bit.
W: Why is it always me that starts these talks? Me: You left me. As I said before I have always stood for our marriage. I can't be asking you when your not ready. It's your move, you want back in, it's your move.
(It went quiet for a little while)
W: I would be willing to try the MCing and go from there. Me: OK, you caught me off guard there. I will look into it. W: OK
We briefly discussed what we would need in a MC (as in solution based)
Me: Right I'm gonna get going in a minute. W: OK.
I went to say bye to the kids, gave them a tickle and put S3 in his PJ's. I then bye to all 3 of them and left.
Half way home W text me: Are there any good books that you have read recently that you would like me to read?
When I got home I said: Maybe, I will have a think.
During the discussion I wasn't emotional. Any talk like that in the past and I would have been upset. I wasn't at all. W was getting close to crying when I said if she doesn't want to work on it we should get divorced. Even though I felt like I should stay for a while after the talk I left.
Not sure what out of this was right or wrong in DBing. I hardly validated at all. Tbh I didn't really care that much. I felt like I'm just going to say whats on my mind whether she likes it or not.
After I left I remember thinking, remember to have no expectations. It didn't matter, if this works fine, if it doesn't thats fine too.
Nice work, T. Now don't go all "meltyman" as I've read it described before and muck everything up. You need to build upon your hard work and continue with your detachment and your matter of fact approach. This is what seems to be working, so keep it going. If your W falls off the wagon so to speak, and she very likely will, just carry on as you have been.
Best of luck to you!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Good job! I agree, be prepared that this won't be linear, just keep being detached and honest like that.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
MC, therapist, reading books and talking about her moodswings – that really sounds like fantastic news to me!
I do hope that VETS will come by!
FYI Retrouvaille is in London at the end of September!
F
Thanks F!
I'm trying not to have any expectations regarding this for my own sake and to hear what Sandi has to say on it.
I remember reading about Retrouvaille being in September a while ago. Could be an option.
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T1000, sounds like a good breakthrough and you handled yourself really well.
Thanks HWA!
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I wrote a post and guess I forgot to submit. You're doing great. Build on these successes!
Thanks labug! Gotta keep improving!
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Nice work, T. Now don't go all "meltyman" as I've read it described before and muck everything up. You need to build upon your hard work and continue with your detachment and your matter of fact approach. This is what seems to be working, so keep it going. If your W falls off the wagon so to speak, and she very likely will, just carry on as you have been.
Best of luck to you!
Thanks 2TP!
You are correct, the meltyman is so easy to fall back into. I can feel him looking at me right now.
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Good job! I agree, be prepared that this won't be linear, just keep being detached and honest like that.
Thanks adinva
I'm prepared as much as I can be. I like the detachment that I have achieved, it helps me do the honest part and not be effected by things out of my control.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Can anyone tell me some books to recommend to her?
DR would be good but we are recommended we don't let our S read it. Or does it not matter this far down the line?
Most books or audiobooks I have read lately have been to do with confidence, attraction etc. Nothing to do with marriage or the personal growth that she might need.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
