Oops. Hit submit by accident. Golf mom.....way to be great in your dealings with H today. Wish you all the best!
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
NLT and NLW, thank you for your support. Having a lengthy, in-depth conversation with xh was surprisingly comfortable after so much time and all that's transpired. He even slipped and called me "honey." Today, though, I feel like I need some distance. We still have a lot of talking to do if we are going to try and settle some of the issues that remain, but I'd rather take it slow so we each have sufficient time to recover emotionally.
I now understand xh's motives for changing his previous offers and wanting money out of the house. From comments that he made he's thinking about ending his R and will need his own financial resources to buy a house. When he referenced buying a house with OW I said "Why on earth would you buy a house with someone you don't get along with?" Yup, I really said that. Not good, I know. What I should have said was "I'm sure you'll figure it out" or better yet, nothing at all.
So, xh is definitely skittish. I could really use some guidance on how to handle our next conversation. I understand (thanks for pointing it out, NLW) that he could be cycling and we may or may not communicate well the next time. I also need to recognize in myself and communicate when I don't feel capable of having an intense conversation.
On another note, my best friend and her daughters are visiting old friends and neighbors and had dinner with us last night. It's been a long time since we've had friends for dinner. It really felt good to have them at our table, say grace together and share food and conversation. We won't see them anymore for the rest of their visit here, but will stay with them in a few weeks.
So, yesterday was a good day and not what I anticipated after being upset the night before by opposing counsel's letter regarding my vacation and plans to move.
You have to get permission to take the kids out of the county??? What if the doctor was in another county? What if the emergency room was in another county? The judge told me that I can take the kids wherever I want without permission on my time as long as I didn't move with them. And H can do nothing about it.
Hang in there. Maybe things will start turning around in your sitch. I'm hoping so!
Take care! WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
I should have known better than to waste my time talking with xh yesterday. He sent a text this morning saying he can't handle anymore conversations right now which is perfectly fine. Then he sent a email with an attached offer which was written as all or nothing, no room for tweaking or negotiating. He's trying to strong arm me again saying he will pay me what he owes as soon as I sign his stipulation regarding support. He also wants me to have the house refi'd in 45 days or I agree to sell. That's not reasonable. The boys will have started school by then. Now he's back to blocking my move. Yesterday he was agreeable. The terms are all about him. I was finally feeling normally again and now I'm crying and feeling hopeless. He's just going to keep controlling me. Withholding money when he knows I need it is so abusive. I don't feel emotionally safe with him and just need to get away from here.
Oh I'm sorry GM. I don't have any advice but want you to know I'm giving you a hug.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
He's out of his mind. Obviously you can't deal reasonably with this guy so go dark.
I would just hand it over to my attorney and let the chips fall where they may. I know what you are going through. I am ready to just let the judge decide everything. I would rather let the judge decide my future than H at this point.
Talk to your attorney. Keep us posted.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
If it's any help at all, please know that this sort of behaviour is exactly what my XH does, as well.
Exactly. Indeed, so much the same, that I believe it's part of the script.
My advice, through bitter experience, is to treat it as the venting of a man who feels so disempowered, so angry at the world, so depressed and ashamed, that he has nowhere to go. He is flailing and spewing. He's desperate to control SOMETHING.
It's a measure of his mental and emotional turmoil, in my opinion (at least, this way of thinking about it helps me get by).
Again, in my experience, it's best not to react or get too fussed by each outburst.
Just stick to your guns, follow your lawyer's advice, and keep quietly on your path to getting the best outcome for you and your boys.
I know how hard this is (and how easy it seems to say 'Just ignore it', in the face of immense emotional trauma, and day-to-day financial deprivation).
But in my case (and I hold to the belief that this is script), he just 'knocked himself out' with all of this spewing. It was bluff, or irrational thinking on his part. When he ran up against the court system, his approach to the whole thing just fell apart. Even he couldn't ignore that it just wasn't going to work to continue to behave like he had been. He could BS and threaten me, but the judge was having none of it.
So, out of the blue, after things finally got to court for an initial settlement hearing, my XH filed a discontinuance of his settlement claim. I couldn't have been more surprised, after the vileness and extremity of his claims for money from me.
He's cycling again now, getting all nasty about my challenge to his claim that he should only pay $7 a day child support for our kids.
But that is the process. That is mlc. We know that. We are strong enough to get through it. We've come this far.
The mlc monster will not prevail. Calm, steady, open, unfussed: we will continue to do the right thing for our families.
Don't get dragged into his trauma, GM. It's what mlc thrives on.
What a nightmare of a day this has been. I know better than to get into texting sessions with xh. He keeps attempting to reach a settlement this way. I am so resigned to moving that I seriously no longer care. I'm detached from my house and the life that I have here. I'm trying to accommodate the desires of my oldest son who wants to stay here and finish high school. I feel strongly in my gut that I need to move. Staying here isn't good for me so what kind of mom will I really be. This will just continue to be an uphill battle.
It's obvious that xh's life is falling apart. It's only a matter of time before he runs away from OW. I just don't want to be around any of this anymore.
The boys start counseling this week and even though I really like the counselor the purpose is now skewed. He is going to contact xh and let him know that he needs to start dealing with his issues simultaneously. I wonder how that will go over.
I feel so stuck. I'm trying to meet the needs of my boys and myself. Who do I put first?
