What do I do?

[Thumpered]

Sorry but this isn't about him, its about you. Your not detached.
TBH the marriage counselor thing was probably gonna make it worse anyways. He wasn't WANTING to go he was WILLING to go, that's a huge difference. But who cares, your still hanging on his every word, you haven't made the changes you need to make yet.

If your done, and I don't think you are, is cause you gave in, not gave up. Ending it, even now, will be on your terms, not his. Right now your upset, sad, and disillusioned. That's ok.
But guess what, until you've detached, made your changes, made it about you, your gonna be back here in a few days wondering why again. DB'n is about helping you decide, not him.

Sure it looks hopelessly pessimistic, but again, your response are about what HE said, not what your doing. You need to stop reacting and pro-act. You still have work to do, im truly sorry about the news, but for now, you were pinning your hopes on his actions, and you know from all the great advice here, that's just not how it really works.

One last tidbit. Believe half of what you see, and NONE of what you hear.

[cat04]

Helen,

I am sorry he has said all of that although i'm not very surprised.

I have to agree with Thumpered. You are hanging what you do and how you feel all on him.

You read DR. So you read the part about one person being able to effect change.

There are no guarantees in any of this. Db, counseling, prayer, the man in the moon intervening, may or may not save your marriage...

However, db definately gives you the best shot moving forward.

Db alone helped to reconcile my marriage after the first bomb. Unfortunately, we didn't do the real work needed to sustain it. When the second wave of my x's MLC hit, db got me through to the point where I was able to make the best choices for me. We have a good coparenting relationship now, which is much more than I hoped for a few years ago. I am in a good, new, happy relationship now that I navigate much better most days. With a man that is much better suited to me than my x ever was.

I would have none of that if I had just listened to my x and his spew at times.

Even if you believe you are done, I encourage you to continue posting, learning, detatching and doing the work that is yet to come.

It can only help you in the future.

[sthelen]

No, I haven't detached. It hasn't even been 4 months. This is all very fresh and unexpected. This man has been promising his love to me for 15 years. I'm doing my best.

My life has been turned upside down and I don't know which way is up. I have been a stay at home mom for 11 years. I still feel at his mercy, I'm completely dependent on him for everything at this point and he knows it. It's a crappy feeling but I am so emotional I don't think I can handle a job yet...and any job I get is going to be a pittance compared to what it really takes to support myself and the children.

I'm just venting, nobody can make these feelings go away.

I have a phone session with my coach on Monday and IC on Tuesday. I'll survive. I just wish I could push fast forward and get to the happier times everyone says are coming.

[sthelen]

Rough weekend. But I'm feeling stronger right this minute. I have therapy in a couple hours. That will help.

I feel like I've taken a big step toward accepting he's not coming back. And a big step toward realizing it will never be the same if he does and starting to have little thoughts of not wanting him back. And thinking maybe I really would be happier married to someone else.

I still know if he showed up at the front door and asked to work on it, I would say yes. But I feel like I'm accepting that isn't going to happen.

So. Now I'm going to focus on selling the house. It's a big project and I think it will help take my mind off of this. And maybe that's a big step toward detaching and GAL and who knows what could happen in the future. I'm going to stop answering his calls. Every time I feel strong, he calls and I'm weak again. I've got to put some distance between us so I can heal and stop feeling so emotional every day.

I've got a busy week. That will be good for me. I'm getting my kids in therapy this week, getting the house ready, hoping to have it on the market by the first, have support group, etc...

So. Onward and upward. I can survive without this man.

[stilllookingup]

I've got to put some distance between us so I can heal and stop feeling so emotional every day.

So. Onward and upward. I can survive without this man.

It's all too soon IMO. You are not grieving. You are moving too fast. I mean it JUST happened. Nothing is wrong with you feeling emotional every day for a while. My new counselor told me there's something seriously wrong if you are not grieving after something like this (BD) happened. Moving fast isn't gonna heal you I don't think. Grieve at your pace, act as if you are happy in front of him and slowly focus on GAL and selling the house or whatever.

[sthelen]

Oh, no! Trust me, I'm grieving. I've cried every day for 4 months. I've lost 15 pounds, I've got shingles, I'm not sleeping. I'm grieving..,and going to therapy at least twice a week and two divorce support groups.

I just wrote that in a strong moment and really feel like I need to focus on something besides him for a while.

[stilllookingup]

Read a lot, watch movies, go for a long walk.
Do you exercise or go to the gym?

[lovethehub]

Hello,

I am sorry things are where they are, and I am here to support you. It does seem that you may be missing the point of DB a little. I know detachment takes a while, so kind of focus on that but definitely focus on changing you and ignoring, as best you can, what H is doing.

Remember that YOU are in control of YOUR life. I know, easier said than done.

I feel like I've taken a big step toward accepting he's not coming back. And a big step toward realizing it will never be the same if he does and starting to have little thoughts of not wanting him back. And thinking maybe I really would be happier married to someone else.

You are right, it can never be the same. However, it can be BETTER. I was originally a WAW, ended up a LBS, when I was the WAW I was soooo confused I didn't know what I wanted. One day I wanted to R, the next day I wanted to run as far away as possible - and, unfortunately, it took 2-3 years before I really knew what I wanted. You have to accept this may be a very long process and then decide if you are in it for the long haul.

None of this is easy, but D isn't either. I have an ex, and a D with my ex, I thought it was harder after the D than it ever was before.

Take a deep breath, focus on yourself and worry about you and your children. Be loving but not clingy and move forward with YOUR life. You never know how this will turn out...

[sthelen]

Physical affair confirmed today. Well, yesterday, actually. I received undeniable proof yesterday. Today he confessed.

[uRworthy]

I am so sorry, S. I know how hurtful it is to find that out.

You are going to be feeling a whole host of emotions. For right now it is best to feel them. Do what you must to take care of you.

Now is not the time to make any decisions.

I know it seems like you cannot handle anything else, but, you will get through this.

((hugs))