LBH on the Left Coast III: Return of the Lefty

[adinva]

Hi - I wouldn't call myself a vet and I'm not a waw, and also my wisdom is debatable... But I saw your post and hope my thoughts help a little.

#1 I liked your first sentence and I think you should stop there. All the following sentences read to me as if her interpretation of things is bugging the cr*p out of you and you want to make her understand things as you see them. She has a right to her interpretations and you can't control what she thinks. You can only control your own actions and do the right thing regardless of how it might affect her opinion of you. Some here would say you're being controlling, by trying to explain until she interprets things your way. And the "I wish" sentence implies blaming her and being defensive. I don't think you'll win points with anything but the first sentence, and I'm not sure what you'll gain in terms of taking the opportunity to speak your mind if what you choose to speak is a bunch of self-justification and finger pointing. The first sentence sounded peaceful, honest, loving, and accepting even though it isn't what you had hoped for, which sounds like just the message that would feel good to have communicated for yourself. That's my 2 cents.

2. I don't believe anything that denies the power of a person to change if they want to. I also think in a lot of cases the existence of an OP is a symptom of problems that were more within the marriage. In my sitch I have sometimes suspected but I really don't care and it really wouldn't affect my actions, because I know our marriage wasn't good. It doesn't excuse an A, it just makes an A way less relevant to me than doing the work to be better at connecting and loving. Do you have things you're focusing on working on to become a better relationship partner? Or is "once a cheater always a cheater" a way to absolve yourself of responsibility and move on without seeking personal growth?

3. Did you throw your marriage away? Or was it two people's actions and decisions that killed it, one of whose you have no control over? Do you mean how can you forgive yourself for being partially responsible for problems that led to her leaving? If that's the case, I believe, and found in my own case, that you can forgive yourself if you can learn from it and change. Good can come from bad. In my case, I could feel it's hard to forgive myself for getting lazy and taking my marriage for granted, and where does that bitterness and disappointment get me? Or I can learn why I did and practice daily being more intentional and more grateful for what I have, and practice daily applying my priorities correctly, so I can move on as a better person. Then my past faults at least got me somewhere good. Do you think that could apply to you too?