Need help detaching

[littleGTO]

Hang in there, lost. You are in a very difficult situation. I agree w chl0901-- continue to do your 180s and GAL as much as possible.

[lost_hope]

Thanks for the support chl0901 and littleGTO. Yes it helps knowing that in a month ill have a little person who will take all of my attention away. Despite all this turmoil I am soooo over the moon to meet my little man. One months to go!

I'm going to continue to pack, prepare at my mother in laws house (we're staying there for a couple of months while H does repairs to the new place), and yes GAL! You know what's funny? I guess I'm a bit of a dork bc I really love going to bookstores and reading so it's totally relaxing GAL activity to do while pregnant.

I'm still reading DB. And implementing 180s too. After a few days of cycling down I had one full day of doing it right. I'm very nonchalant with him and he's remained home (as opposed to running away). We even had dinner together last night and I sat with him on the couch watching tv until the baby decided to position himself in a way that sent me to bed.

Key to my survival is not only acting as if his actions don't bother me but also acting as if he is gone and not coming back. He is here physically but has emotionally left the marriage. We both are committed to our son so I am trying to maintain a friendship with him and allow him to be in our sons life as much as possible. (His stated intent is to live with us mostly and then spend the other tome at his moms who lives 5 min away).

I will employ full on DB after baby is born. And of course my not so secret wish is that he meets his son, recognize some of my 180s as a positive, and falls back in love with me and his family. Barring that these techniques will still help me be a better person and ultimately better mother regardless of whether he comes back or not.

I'm literally taking it one day at a time. Thinking too much ahead hurts my heart and head. Thanks for listening and have a good day.

[JaxFL14]

Lost,
So sorry for your situation. I'm shocked that a man would do this to his wife while she is pregnant with his child. I read through your sitch and didn't really see a reason he feels this way? Maybe I missed it. I saw the ILYBNILWY so maybe that's it. I'm kinda in the same situation in that my W said the love but not in love thing and our youngest is now only 10 months but she has her own place now and we share the kids 50/50. I'm only a few months ahead of you so not much advice to offer but you seem to be doing the right things. Ill follow your sitch and send prayers your way.

[lost_hope]

Thanks JaxFl. No theres no specific reason. I had another thread from before but wasn't much more insight there either unfortunately. Basically at month 5 he started spending all (and I mean all 7 days) away from the house. Work, friends, his mom, anything not to be home. After about a month of that we had a big fight about money/his mom. Since I had been nagging him about the staying out the weeks prior for him this argument was his "last straw". We the proceeded into a series of discussion/arguments (bc I kept asking why/how etc) and he pulls out the INILWY (I don't even get ILY but). He says our marriage is damaged beyond repair. And that we should part ways now before DS is too big and will be affected by it. Two years ago he was in EA and left me for three months. This time he is planning to stay mostly (I'm sure you read my last post) and spend the remainder of time at his mom who lives 5 Min away from the house we just bought.

I don't really know what it is besides a deterioration in the way we interact with each other. From the bits I've read he's cold and I'm hot and we have different languages. And I also approached my issues from a nagging point of view which is counterproductive. Perhaps I didn't fully forgive him for his A ... I still throw it into arguments when I feel at my wits end. I don't think it's an affair now bc he is still open with me with his phones and passwords and sad to say i know what hes like when hes having an a. Another thing is I have general anxiety and so when he does things to make me upset intend to ruminate and obsess about it and so he doesn't like the way I react.

One thing that I have to respect was his willingness to buy a house with me and his wanting to be with us as much as possible despite his "unhappiness". I put that in quotes bc I can't believe that grown adults who chose to be married for better or worse and chose to have kids can say that with a straight face. It's the most immature excuse be eve heard in my life. Your responsibility as married people is to work on whats causing the issue and try to get happy again, not run away and refuse to address anything. The only things that happened around the time he pulled away were the anniversary of the time we lost of first baby last year and also that I finally passed into a more stable pregnancy (I had some issues in the beginning which is why he said he won't have sex with me but have since been cleared and in light of his feelings I know the real reason). He also admitted a little fear of being a dad and resultant loss of freedom.

Like you, i don't understand how anyone can do this while pregnant or with really young kids. I'm working on me here but some days this whole sitch makes me feel unloveable bc really most men don't so this to their wife mid pregnancy. I'm trying not to focus on that and him at the moment. Hard when biology is telling me to get really close to the man I married and who got me pregnant. He at least is now spending more time with me but I suppose that condo be bc we have to pack up the condo sold (living here now), move in with his mom temp, close on both properties ( condo, new house) and make repairs to the new house. All this plus our son is being being delivered via c section in a month. Since he hasn't physically walked away guess that means more home time!

I don't know your sitch but will read and comment later. I'm sorry you're going through this. Have a good day.

[lost_hope]

Journaling: my GAL activity for the day, cleaning and organizing my office to prepare for my impending mat leave. I only have three weeks left here and as per usual I left things to last minute. I have one of my favourite shows streaming online and I feel really relaxed. Wish me luck in trying to get a consecutive day 2 of healthy detachment. It helps to journal here.

[lost_hope]

Woke up so sad this morning. He's already up (he basically comes into bed late and wakes up super early to minimize our contact ... Not that we touch anymore). I'm going to stay in bed until I can manage a PMA. I just feel like this is a dream. Why can't I just be a normal woman going through pregnancy. I'd lost so much joy in the past few months and I can't get it back. I can't get back the weeks he didnt take my pregnancy progress photos (we took them weekly in our home at night so no one else can do it), can't take back our disastrous prenatal class experience, can't take back that I had to view the purchase of our first house (not counting the condo) as a business transaction rather than a life event. Ugh ... I'm honestly in so much pain. Anyway my GAL for today : going shopping for my hospital bag with his mom and cousin (his mom knows a tiny bit but not much, cousin knows nothing), continue to pack and put away my little munchkin's clothes I've washed all week. He's going to be doing his own thing most of the day so I just have to get through the morning.

[JaxFL14]

Lost,
I pray for you every time I pray for myself and the rest of us DB'ers. Your sitch saddens me very much. Your right, you are losing out on what should be a joyful time with the arrival of a baby. What I can hope for you is that when your H sees his son for the first time it flips a switch or at least makes him start thinking. Seeing my first son born 5 years ago made me tear up and the love I felt seeing my W holding him brought me such joy. I thinks it's a good thing he is gonna be staying in the house, even though its just for the baby. That buys you time I feel. I'm having to DB with my W living across town and only see her during kids swaps. I pray that being a new father will affect him in a positive way and give him the feeling of what a family is. Much like I'm hoping the difficulties of my wife and I being apart as a family with kids will make her realize that a family is what she really wants. Stay strong for your baby and take care of yourself. Keep us posted.

[labug]

LH, I know I touched a nerve with a previous post on another thread and I'm sorry.

I truly can't imagine how difficult this must be for you. Separating from your loved one at this time goes against every biological/emotional cell in our beings.

I know you are doing the best you can with the situation you are in and have only the best intentions for your baby.

I do hope you can find some happiness in the midst of all this. Our children sometimes connect with our feelings before we are even cognizant of them.

I wish you the best.

[labug]

I went back and read your first posts-about breastfeeding, you will be able to breastfeed if you want. For some women, breastfeeding is preventive for PPD. If you need ADs, there are only a couple that you absolutely shouldn't take while BFing and for the others, the benefits usually outweigh the risks.

Are you living in the US?

[lost_hope]

Lost,
I pray for you every time I pray for myself and the rest of us DB'ers. Your sitch saddens me very much. Your right, you are losing out on what should be a joyful time with the arrival of a baby. What I can hope for you is that when your H sees his son for the first time it flips a switch or at least makes him start thinking. Seeing my first son born 5 years ago made me tear up and the love I felt seeing my W holding him brought me such joy. I thinks it's a good thing he is gonna be staying in the house, even though its just for the baby. That buys you time I feel. I'm having to DB with my W living across town and only see her during kids swaps. I pray that being a new father will affect him in a positive way and give him the feeling of what a family is. Much like I'm hoping the difficulties of my wife and I being apart as a family with kids will make her realize that a family is what she really wants. Stay strong for your baby and take care of yourself. Keep us posted.

JaxFL, I posted in your thread as well. I agree I am hoping that you will get the same benefits from your W being at a distance that I will get from my H being in the home with a new baby. Thank you so much for your kind words and thoughts, it really does help me on a day to day basis.