NLT, thank you so much for posting and for the offer of late night chatting/venting. I fell asleep after my last post. I'm sorry that you were also having trouble sleeping.
Regarding my state laws, it's absolutely wrong that xh seems to have more rights then me and the boys. I realize that if the tables were turned I, too, would be protected under the same laws.
Here, it diesn't matter what a parent does (barring criminal activity involving the children) their parental rights are protected. Xh doesn't want any parenting responsibility. He doesn't want the kids to live with him saying "you're a great mom. The boys should be with you. I just want to see them." Isn't that covenient? Being a real parent would cramp his lifestyle. He couldn't come and go as he pleases. He would have to provide meals, help with homework, get them to school on time and generally put them first. I have my boys full time and I do put them first. Because of that xh wants to be notified 30 days in advance if I want to take the boys out of the county. My parents live in another county. The beach is in another county. The city near me is in another county. It's absolutely insane. And this is coming from a man who hasn't seen his kids since November.
I desperately want a court order allowing me to move. I need to get away from this craziness.
Back56, thank you so much for sharing your experience with boundary setting. Xh can be emotionally abusive and I've needed to bar all contact so I could start to recover and get a better sense of myself. Xh is an expert "gaslighter" and that abuse left me questioning who I am and what I am capable of.
I have started allowing communication again, but I have found that trauma is easily triggered even from a benign email. I just need to be away from him. The boys feel the same way for the same reasons. The psychology in my sitch is complicated and deep.
I think I've regained some perspective. My best friend and her daughters are visiting later today. She's here for a very short time to see old friends. We've been looking forward to seeing each other so we can plan our trip to see them in a few weeks and talk about the move I want to make. I'm not going to let this setback ruin our visit. I have plans to make a nice dinner and make my home as welcoming as I can. No tears today.
I talked with my dad last night who very much understands my need to move. They love having me and the boys and hour away but believe a fresh start would be in our best interest. He and my mom made a major move when I was a child because they too needed to get away from painful memories and start over.
So, one step at a time. I will have the life I want, but not immediately.
OMG, xh just texted that he would like to talk today to settle things between us. He also wants to hear my feelings about moving. I need to use all of the skills I've learned so this will be productive. We have never had a conversation, initiated by him, with the intent that both of us are heard and feelings are considered. Sad, but true. Please pray for us to reach a resolution so the boys can have peace.
GM, Keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay calm and look him in the eye when you explain why you want to move away. He needs to hear and "understand" why and how the money situation is for you and the boys.
Sending positive vibes your way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks, snodderly. We've just been talking on the phone. Xh is too skittish for a face to face meeting. We've had a long conversation, but are taking a break. He asked that we do that when either of us needed to so that our dialogue doesn't deteriorate. In the past I have held him hostage in conversations out of my own fear. I didn't realize it then, but I do now and I told him that.
So far I've learned a lot without asking. His living situation is the pits and his R with OW isn't solid. He alluded to arguments and that it may not continue into the future. He's worried about his income if he is on his own. Interesting.
My goal is to rebuild trust by listening, validating and being truthful. It will take a while, but it can be done. I'm sure OW doesn't have the same goals, so no competition there.
I received a text from xh saying that he's emotionally exhausted and doesn't want to talk anymore today. He also said it's not my fault, but he's feeling a lot of anxiety and is on heavy meds for his back. I replied that I too needed a break and that I was available another day. I also stated that I understood about the anxiety and I also experience that when we communicate. I ended by saying take good care of yourself.
Today was the first real conversation we've had in a very long time. I thought we both handled ourselves well and I'm glad we ended it before either of felt overwhelmed. We'll see.
I'm so happy to hear that the conversation went well. You were both right to let the conversation continue on another day. You handled it very, very well. It's almost better to do things via phone when dealing with people like your xh. You have an immediate "out" if necessary.
Your ideas on rebuilding trust are excellent. With his issues and anger, it will be a very slow process and I know that you have the patience to see it through.
Just as Snodderly says, if you just sit back and listen they will tell you what you need to know. It made me smile when you he told you that his living situation wasn't ideal and that he and the ow were having arguments. Your xh has a long way to go but it has to start somewhere and it sounds like this first convo was the start of something that hopefully will set the stage for future conversations.
I admire the way you are handling this. I won't forget what you posted to me a few months back when I was having trouble not being truthful and honest while still dbing with my h. I found that when I am honest (while still dbing) it comes out more naturally and comfortable for me. If that makes sense.
I know you'll rest just a little bit easier tonight so enjoy the rest of your evening doing something fun with your boys and forget about dbing for just a few hours. Hugs and prayers are on their way to you!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
GM, so happy to hear about this new development in your sitch. You deserve some relief from his resistance and obstruction.
It helps me to remember that when my XH is being so angry and unreasonable, it's probably because things are going really badly for him in other aspects of his life. I'm just the only outlet that he has.
From what he's told you about OW, this might be his problem too.
Just keep in mind that although he has opened up a bit, he will still cycle back into anger and obstructiveness at the drop of a hat. Be prepared and make the best of what he has to offer in his moments of clarity.
You sound like you're handling things really well. Keep us posted.
I'm new here and have read through.......I'm very happy that your conversation went well. I've had a couple if conversations that made my stomach turn before hand.
NLW this really resonated for me "It helps me to remember that when my XH is being so angry and unreasonable, it's probably because things are going really badly for him in other aspects of his life."
My H always seems so angry at me refusing to talk to me unless necessary and refusing to come by the house. I sometimes wondered if life wasn't a great as he thought it would be
Golfmom
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
