Run and hide your crazy

[mizjjd]

Do you feel like your heart is pounding out of your chest and cannot breathe?

Yes and no. I feel like my heart SHOULD be pounding, but as best as I can tell, my pulse isn't truly racing, it just feels like it. I become consumed with a feeling of dread, that something very awful is about to happen. And simultaneously I want to run away, curl up in a ball and hide, scream and rant, whimper and cry, throw up, and use the bathroom. Accompanied by chest discomfort and a sensation that the room doesn't hold enough oxygen. Oh, and sometimes my left hand tries to leave. Kind of waggles around, looking for escape. Symptoms come up without provocation or warning. Vary from a 2 or 3 up to IDK, maybe a 5 or 6. Maybe a couple times a week, sometimes more sometimes less, for about the last 2 months. I have so far been able to talk myself out of all but 1. For that one I went to bed.

My mom's were situational for the most part. She didn't like bridges or tunnels or elevators or crowds or feeling trapped. But then it became just distance from home for her, at one point she was never more than about 5 miles from home. It eventually lessened, but I don't think it ever went away totally.

So far I don't have that exactly. However, I have noticed for several months now that I can't grocery shop like I used to. Now, I get about a third done and I have to stop and go home.

Not sure what that's all about. Maybe if I ignore it it'll go away Maybe its the scavenger angels tormenting me!

Is your H away at the casino all weekend or will he come home for the party?

H is at the casino. There is no party - D19 is waaaaaay too cool to party with the fam. She deigned to open her gifts, and is willing to let us take her to dinner lol. But H is not hurrying home. Hah. We got into it (via text) tonight about just that topic. Well, more about the gambling and how his preoccupation with gambling was keeping him from getting home for a birthday dinner tomorrow. It did not go too well. I got, and golf mom would like this one,

You don't know what you are talking about. I would suggest you change topics.

And then it went downhill from there. In fact, it went back to that damn pizza place H had wanted to open a year ago. (If anyone is curious about the details of THAT example of how AWFUL MizJ is to H, let me know.)

And..... H's birthday is Monday. Here's a funny thing. When I was shopping for D19, I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT H'S BIRTHDAY!!! Lol! I mean, I've only shopped for their birthdays at the same time for 19 years now.... but this year completely blanked out. I was halfway home - with a third of my grocery list in the car - when it struck me. So, I had to make another trip today to shop for H. I tried to find a birthday card for him. But you know what? Hallmark just doesn't make a card with the sentiment I wanted to express So, no card this year. I was tempted, for about 15 seconds, to get a "Happy Birthday to my friend" card lol.

And, I made a "Banana Split Cake". Saw the recipe in a magazine. Why do I do this? Well, theoretically it is part of my 180 - putting more effort into meals and doing some baking. For instance, I recently made "Cheesecake Fudge". I got less than rave reviews.

Not only should you never ever make this garbage again, you should burn the recipe. And later, get me a piece of that garbage would ya?

So H's homecoming should be interesting. I wonder if he'll bring up the argument. He's always been "funny" about his birthday. For a sad reason. His nephew died on his 11th birthday. And now, on top of that, there's the post-bomb reality. And the internal debate... do I do nothing? do I do something? etc. Sigh. He's getting a pair of shorts and 2 shirts. And a cake.

Cheers