DB seemingly backfired w/ my H???

[Mimi00]

Just me rambling.... I'm working 15 hours straight with a lot of down time and ridiculous thoughts so I figured I'd let them out here:


After this weekend I may need to take a break from the forum.... I feel like I am thinking about H a lot more the last few days and maybe in mind I associate this forum with hope for us, since thats why i initially cam here? I don't know... I'm just feeling less detached for some reason this week. I'd been doing so well until this week.

Last night & this morning, I was really down about his decision to leave and him having a birthday celebration (though i know he has a right to live life and celebrate his day of birth....lol)....he says there is no one else but i keep wondering if he had a date lastnight, or took someone home with him for a "private" celebration and if he woke up with another woman in his arms and felt really good about it.

I know I will probably be told that what he does shouldn't be my concern and he's free to do what he wants......but there have been no papers filed so I still feel very hurt at the thought of him physically moving on before the divorce or dissolution is filed.....even though in his heart and mind he's already done.

I kind of wish that he had filed before going back out of town. Then maybe it wouldn't bother me so much?

I've been having urge to call and tell him how much hurt and pain I've been feeling lately (but sharing my hurt is probably wrong, right???)...and to tell him to hurry with filing so I can move on.......but then right after I have a thought not to rush him in case there is any hope for us.

See how not detached I am now??? Lol
Why????

I just want it all to be over. How do I stop thinking of him? There's only so much GAL I can do where I live right now....that's why I wanted to rush moving.......but now that i cant right a way, i feel a bit hopeless....though I know things are not hopeless and someday things will be better... that is still how it feels in the middle of our plans, hopes and dreams being thrown away. I know its okay to dream new dreams, but it seems hard to do right now. I Sometimes get excited for my future alone, then the thought of the hardships that will come, tramples the excitement i do muster up.

I'm not a big complainer....so I hate that this is all getting to me. I wish I was stronger and could just walk away with ease.