You can see the stars, but still not see the light

[mizjjd]

Thoughts and feedback always appreciated

You amaze me.

As I think you know, my H goes off gambling practically every free moment. And, I suspect that at least some of these times OW is with him.

And that all makes me so angry with my H.

So angry that I don't want to be nice to him. I don't want to care. And sometimes, I really don't care. And I feel foolish too, to continue behaving in a loving manner while his manner to me is anything but loving.

And sometimes TVS, when I'm considering throwing things at his head, I think of you. And I think, if TVS can do all those incredible kind and unconditional-loving things, then I can too.

Or at least I can try, for today.

Tomorrow however, I might be throwing things.



You are a champion.

[RosaLinda]

Mz.J wrote "that all makes me so angry with my H.
So angry that I don't want to be nice to him. I don't want to care. And sometimes, I really don't care. And I feel foolish too, to continue behaving in a loving manner while his manner to me is anything but loving."

I'm feeling like that too J. Resentful. Sullen, like I'm one of the teens in MLC High. Don't want to follow Chuck's instructions to be approachable when my H deigns to talk to me. Portia says she is filled with rage. 

What is happening to us? Is it the summer heat? The stress? My H is getting  nuttier as his trip draws closer and I'm not handling it well. 

TVS what is your secret? 

[uRworthy]

Everyone is right, my friend, you are amazing.

While I know there are times and moments when this is still so hard, T, I know you have figured out who you are, and that has made all the difference.

The people on here are special. They are willing to look within, do the work, and love so deeply. That comes with tough stuff to deal with, but, in the end, no matter the outcome, we are stronger and wiser.

T, I see you and what you are made of. I see how much you love your children and your h. You have made a committment to do the right thing for as long as you can. That is a testament to your spirit.

Love you, T, and honored to be able to call you friend.

[Takevowsserious]

You guys are too much

Oh man UW, I got teary again. Happens at the strangest times anymore, usually when I'm reading something here lol!

You are too kind. I don't feel amazing.

I do feel like I know who I am, what makes me happy, and what I want in life.

Linda and J, I am right there with you - I feel angry and resentful towards my H too. I mean, we're only human. They often treat us like crap. So no, they don't deserve H of the year honors anytime soon.

I don't have any secrets Linda, but I will share some things that have really helped me...

~ when I am feeling particularly angry or resentful towards H, I choose not to be around him. Some days, I don't feel like being Miss Nice Wife. I see him texting and want to rip that phone out of his hands and smash it to pieces right in front of him. Since that is not exactly DB, I leave the room or go upstairs instead. We may not be able to control what they do, but we can control our reactions. Absolutely.

~ when I am really angry or resentful, I look for ways to release it. Yoga always works. Going for a walk. Punching couch pillows (oh yes, I did go there!) I remember rH got a good laugh once because I said I like to angry vacuum Cleaning is always a good outlet to release that negative energy - just think, how clean would your tub be if you scrubbed it picturing OW's ugly mug?

~ GAL is necessary for so many reasons. We get a chance to get out, have fun, and meet people. I really struggled with this after S3 was born, and it ended up being something H used against me at bomb. He said that I didn't do anything with friends, that my life revolved around him.

There was some truth to that.

Of course, I was also struggling to adjust to having two small children, working full- time, and running a household. I was constantly tired. Going out was the last thing I felt like doing. And in retrospect, H was not there for me to help me or support me.

If H and I make it to the other side with a new M, we will have a lot to sort through. And I mean besides the A and all his MLC stuff.

Anyway, now I make sure I go out and do things on a regular basis. Some things are planned or routine (like yoga), and some things are spontaneous. I mix it up snd do things alone and things with other people.

~ I have learned that it is a must to do nice things for ourselves. Let's face it, we can't look to them for that. We owe it to ourselves to be good to ourselves. Take a bubble bath, book a massage, buy a favorite book or magazine. It could be anything that brings you some sort of happiness or comfort.

~ I turn to the good people here for support. I could not do this without you. No way. So thanks for being here and listening

It is I who am honored to know you

[uRworthy]

T, did you hear me screaming over there? You will be in New Jersey in August?

I do not want to interfere with your time with your sister, but, I would love to just see you for 15 min. if possible.

OMG, the thought has me so excited. If it's not possible, I totally understand. Just knowing you'll be close makes me happy.

[Takevowsserious]

So that's what that noise was - lol!

I think it is absolutely possible that we could meet up for a bit - my sister is awesome, and I know she would understand

It has been so crazy around here, but I did not forget about the alt. I need a new email - long story - but I will have some free time tomorrow and will work on getting stuff set up

Look at us, GALing AND doing something from our bucket list!

Very excited

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm glad I had that happy thought in my brain because I am feeling a bit down tonight.

H was nice today. But... I have been so guarded about his niceness, and it's difficult for me to accept that he may be nice just to be nice. I'm always looking for that alterior motive ( usually guilt).

He made breakfast for all of us today. Vacuumed. Carried all the groceries in from my car (which he does most of the time). Charged up his little music thing for me to take to my spa trip tomorrow (it was his idea to take the music thing - he said he thought I would like to use it by the pool).

So all this niceness, yet I'm feeling unsettled. I think it is because 1. I think he's with her tonight and 2. As I see more of my "old" H, I miss him more. Boy, do I miss him.

I just keep reminding myself that progress is slow, but I do believe it is there.

I guess what it comes down to is that I wish he didn't "need" her anymore. I think to myself, what does she have that I don't? And the answer is nothing. Not a damn thing. (Except maybe a boat load of issues, obviously!)

And the weird thing is, I believe a part of H knows this.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Okay, done wallowing (sort of), onto my big day tomorrow...

It's my spa getaway!!!

A dear friend of mine (who knows what is going on) and I are driving to a resort about an hour away for a spa/ pool lounging/wine drinking/ no kids or H overnight trip. We are so excited!!! We are both busy moms who turn to each other when the frustrations of motherhood and life get us down.

We have been planning this for a long time, and I am so glad it is finally here

Going to try to get some sleep now - busy day of pampering tomorrow

[uRworthy]

For some reason, I had a feeling you were on here now.

And I had a feeling you might be a bit down. Weird, right?

T, no worries about the alt. You can get a free email add. at yahoo. When or if you are ready. I know you are busy.

I had a feeling you might be a bit down. Weird, isnt it?

I thought that because you had such a nice time with h and you were a family like you were before.

And then reality sets in. He is back to texting. He might be seeing her. And it stings.

The thing about all this is that there is no lightning bolt that hits them.

It would be great if there was, though.

The hope is that each connection, each good interaction, each new memory, gets in there and starts to build up.

It takes time for them to process it and it takes time for them to put it all together.

When in crisis, things get jumbled up. Things they thought they knew for sure, suddenly doesnt seem right anymore. Things they thought they wanted, needed.

And it is a shock to the system sometimes to realize that all the things they thought, are not true.

So, I am so sorry you are feeling down.

But he might be clinging on to her a bit because of the confusion. He is trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure out what is real and what isnt. What he wants and what he doesnt. How he feels about you and himself.

It is another tough part, T.

Another time for you to dig a little deeper and let stuff work its way in.

I am so happy you are going to a spa with your friend. Have a ball and leave all this behind.

Thinking of you and sending you hugs.

[RosaLinda]

Ugh T, to not be able to trust that niceness is just your old H peeking out of the tunnel a bit. Even if it IS motivated by guilt, there was a time when his sessions with the Twat did not elicit anything but more nastiness and disrespect towards you. This seems like a good sign. 

Thanks for sharing your DBing tips, including your phone-smashing-prevention manuver. Phone-smashing, computer-video-camera-smashing, and other OW-communication-suppression strategies, are very effective stress relieving techniques, but have been known to enable the elusive MLCer to progress from the traditional one-step-forward-two-steps-backwards rhumba to the advanced one-step-forward-sixteen-city-blocks-backwards tango, thus ultimately proving to be counter productive. 

Have fun at the spa. You'll be glowing, FT will be growing...fatter!

[Raine]

T it is so hard right now. It's easy to detach and not feel the pain when they are not themselves and not attached to us. But when they still have their side life and they want parts of us too...I'm still figuring out the best way to handle it. Getting away is the best so far. It's also hard when we've had these great family moments and you think, how could they possibly risk losing this?

I'm glad to hear you had such a great vacation and you were so flexible with him.

Keeping hanging in there. You are doing so great!

[Takevowsserious]

Lounging by the pool, thought I'd pop in to say hello...

Raine, it seems each new stage or situation is tougher than the next. Yes, it was incredibly hard when H was the cold alien that wanted nothing to do with me. It hurt so much. But, it was easier to detach and distance myself from him.

Now, I feel like he is making attempts to interact and connect with me, yet he still clings to her. It makes me feel like second best.

But then I think, if she is so great, why he is still here? Why has he not completely shut me out of his life?

I still feel a connection with him, for sure.

Linda, his niceness does mess with my mind. I am really making a conscious effort to acknowledge the things he does for me. I think maybe he didn't always feel appreciated in our M - and neither did I - and it led to a cycle of resentment.

I try to look at it now as good practice for *if* (fingers crossed) we ever get a chance for a new improved M. But, if that does not happen, I want to be able to show appreciation to the father of my wonderful children.

UW, you always seem to be able to read me and know how I am feeling. It's amazing.

I sobbed last night when I read your line "I thought that because you had such a nice time with h and you were a family like you were before."

That's it. That's exactly it.

I think that I saw the possibility of what could be. That makes accepting the reality of what is much harder.

I really hope that he is trying to make sense of it all, thinking about what he could lose.

I am so ready for her reign to be over.

Still have some gas in the tank though, so I am digging in and trusting the process.

Thanks for the positive thoughts and hugs - I certainly need them

On a lighter note, strawberry daiquiri's here... Gotta go