Blindsided

[chl0901]

H went to hang out with friends yesterday after work, and I went and did an exercise class and then picked up S. I made dinner when I got home (I am not a great cook, but was impressed with the result!), played with S some and got him to bed. When H came home, he was in a pretty good mood and complimented the dinner I made. He also said he's gone to his doctor and gotten prescribed some medicine for low testosterone. He said he's hoping this should help his libido. He told me he just doesn't really feel like it much anymore - and he made a weird comment, "It's not you, it's anyone." I don't really know what to make of that, so I'm trying not to look into it too much. I'm hoping the medicine does help him, and with my continued GALs and 180s (which are helping my physical appearance), maybe one day he will feel physically attracted to me again.

[Tallula]

Hi, I just read up on your sitch. So have you finished the whole DB book?

One of my H's complaints was that I had stopped initiated sex. So, I do now. But, I also don't take it personal when he doesn't want too. When it did hurt my feelings, I never showed it to him. Sometimes, we just don't want it, ha.

WTG on getting in shape!!! DON'T JUDGE YOUR SUCCESS BY THE SCALE!! Especially if you are weight training. When I started lifting I went down a size and lost not one pound. I'm very passionate about health and fitness (I'm a personal trainer), so I so believe in the power of working out to help with stress relief. Keep it up!!

I would definately keep up the touching and initate now and again, but if/when he turns you down, just say "OK... :coy smile: let me know if you change your mind!" Being playful about it helps. Also, I realized that I had stopped...um, giving without getting if you know what I mean. And 9 times out of 10 it always ends in ML anyway. Sex is fun, make it FUN!!!

[Tallula]

And AS is right, they go up and down. We just need to realize they are all over the map. React internally and keep your POM. I know it's so very hard.

[AnotherStander]

It's very confusing that H is acting "normal" and "fine" some of the time when he told me just last month that he wants to divorce me, etc.

Yeah, it is really confusing and frustrating trying to figure a WAS out. The thing is, they often act very calm and confident on the outside but inside they're usually in a lot of turmoil over what they're doing. There's a part of them that tells them they need to do what they can to save their family, but another part that tells them they need to walk away and start a new life. It's a constant back-and-forth struggle. They try to hide it, and they definitely don't talk about it! But it shows in their inconsistent and confusing actions. They usually don't even know why they do some of the things they do, that's why it's best to just leave them to it and not ask them any questions about it.

I am definitely going to continue to do my 180s and GALs.

Good, that's what DB'ing is all about.

H hasn't said anything about them yet, but surely he has to notice some of the little changes.

Rest assured, he notices. He won't acknowledge them, but he does notice. Just keep at it. It takes the WAS many months before they start believing the LBS's 180s are real and not just tricks to get them back.

[chl0901]

Hi, I just read up on your sitch. So have you finished the whole DB book?

Hi Tallula, I have not finished of DB yet. I am about halfway through at this point. I took a break to read the 5LL book over the past couple of days when I realized I actually had that book in a box. I am only able to read DB in small increments, as I do not want other people or H to see me reading it (since I haven't told anyone else about our issues). After I finish, I will do a post on my thoughts.

One of my H's complaints was that I had stopped initiated sex. So, I do now. But, I also don't take it personal when he doesn't want too. When it did hurt my feelings, I never showed it to him. Sometimes, we just don't want it, ha.

I need to work on the not taking it personally...

WTG on getting in shape!!! DON'T JUDGE YOUR SUCCESS BY THE SCALE!! Especially if you are weight training. When I started lifting I went down a size and lost not one pound. I'm very passionate about health and fitness (I'm a personal trainer), so I so believe in the power of working out to help with stress relief. Keep it up!!

Thank you! I am really committed and motivated on the getting into better shape. Yes, I've never done any sort of weight training before this, but I've been told that even doing it a couple of times a week (which is what I'm currently doing in addition to my cardio) can cause some weight gain from muscle. I knew I shouldn't have gotten onto the scale in the first place the other day but it was tempting since I was seeing some little changes and I guess just seeing the number the same caught me off guard. Good bye, scale! Your comments about this make me feel even better.

I would definately keep up the touching and initate now and again, but if/when he turns you down, just say "OK... :coy smile: let me know if you change your mind!" Being playful about it helps. Also, I realized that I had stopped...um, giving without getting if you know what I mean. And 9 times out of 10 it always ends in ML anyway. Sex is fun, make it FUN!!!

I think I will let some more time pass and then maybe try to initiate again and see what happens, since H has complained many times in the past that he wanted me to initiate more. After being rejected though recently, I took it personally and it hurt my feelings. I guess I'll just wait and see how things are going and if we are doing better in that area, then I may try to initiate and see how H reacts.

Yeah, it is really confusing and frustrating trying to figure a WAS out. The thing is, they often act very calm and confident on the outside but inside they're usually in a lot of turmoil over what they're doing. There's a part of them that tells them they need to do what they can to save their family, but another part that tells them they need to walk away and start a new life. It's a constant back-and-forth struggle. They try to hide it, and they definitely don't talk about it! But it shows in their inconsistent and confusing actions. They usually don't even know why they do some of the things they do, that's why it's best to just leave them to it and not ask them any questions about it.

If he's upset, he definitely isn't showing me! I think he just thinks if he leaves and dates the OW that they will have some fairy tale romance and life (typical WAS thoughts, from what I've seen so far on here and in the books). I am definitely not going to bring up our M unless he wants to talk about it. And hopefully me continuing to do my GALs and 180s will show him that I'm actually not as bad as he currently thinks I am.

Rest assured, he notices. He won't acknowledge them, but he does notice. Just keep at it. It takes the WAS many months before they start believing the LBS's 180s are real and not just tricks to get them back.

Thanks, AS! I've been hoping he's noticing, but I guess he would be since other people are starting to notice!

[chl0901]

I've been feeling pretty good the past few days and kept a good PMA, but yesterday evening, a friend text me and said they had seen my H and OW out at lunch yesterday afternoon. Even though I know about her and know they are talking a lot and who knows what else, this made me so angry! I know better than to confront H about her, but when he got home last night (after hanging out with friends), I tried to act pleasant and warm, but he obviously could tell my body language was stiff because he mentioned that I was laying so far away from him on the edge of the bed and put one of the dogs in between us. I took some deep breaths and scooted a little closer and tried to act normal. He ended up pulling me close to him and we ended up ML. I was still upset though! Woke up this morning still really bothered. Trying to let it roll off my back. I CANNOT CONTROL HIS ACTIONS, ONLY MY OWN!! (Trying to keep that in mind!).

[adinva]

I think your beef is with your friend; you might want to tell her how much her gossip spoiled the positive attitude you're trying to have. You might want to ask her not to report his actions because you're trying to focus on your own right now. Just a thought.

[chl0901]

Hi Adinva, thanks for the response. I use the term friend loosely, it's a person we all went to high school with that I keep in touch with. This person knows nothing about H and my issues (I haven't told anyone but this forum!). I don't think it was meant as gossip; they just text me saying, "Hey, I saw your H and XXX at Restaurant today at lunch - you and I need to get together sometime soon!" I didn't want to make a big deal about it to them, to where it would look weird or being up questions. I was just like, "Oh, okay! Yes, we do!"

[lost_hope]

chl, keep up the good work. Make the changes for you. If he notices great. If not as long as you like it then be happy. I know how it feels to be let down constantly. You get a glimmer of hope and then they dash it. Someone advised me to just emotionally detach as much as possible. Remain cool as a cucumber. Nothing bothers you. Then if you do feel your emotions starting to get the better of you, leave. Don't let him see you cry or be emotional about things. I think this is really key though I haven't learned it myself completely. This is a process!

Read the 180/sandi rules several times a day to remind yourself. Read the books. Im in the middle of DB and once this baby comes when I have time to myself I'll read DR and the other book about communication. You will find you make mistakes but as long as you grow and learn you'll be moving in the right direction.

Good luck in your situation.

[lost_hope]

Oh and I know what you mean about reading slowly bc you're hiding the book! I can't read it at work. And have to sneak read at home. I already almost got caught twice by H (actually not sure if he saw it the one time it was on the nightstand). I do not want him to know I'm reading it bc I think he will view it as a form of pursuit and not letting go. I actually contemplated putting on a book cover. When I was young they made us wrap our textbooks in brown paper bags to protect them. I was thinking of doing that.