oh Lord I'm sorry, that's rough. NY is a no-fault state now. But just because she retains an attorney, that does not necessarily mean she'll file papers. And even if she files, that does not necessarily mean she'll she'll go thru with it. How long ago was the cc charge?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Heck, I'd already been half expecting a process server or big fat envelope in the mail....
Yeah, I was just telling an old DB friend from the first time around how last time I had the papers for weeks, in CO, and they were a no-fault state forever. :-/
I'm trying to still just stick to good DB principles.
OMG, things are heating up. Definitely in the LRT of LRT phase. We're communicating more because of the lawyer visit, but at the expense of some rigid DBing. It's a fine line to walk, going dark. I've had to defend myself a bit and react to the constant hate that she throws back, but at least we're "speaking" if only by VM.
And mostly at my expense, but I know one thing I've learned is that you can't change the mind of a WAS/MLCer. Just going with the flow here as best I can.
I'll update with more details when things settle down a bit.
Is it weird that I feel better about everything when we're discussing stuff, no matter how painful, than when in silence and limbo? Even if she's still just taking every opportunity to dig into the past and hurl more anger at me?
well maybe you feel better because you know where you stand, lots better than being in limbo. So now you can make a clear plan for yourself. Did you read the Divorce Remedy book? Do you have a DB coach or MC? I was planning to try LRT but my DB coach said it is too early. But I guess if your W is living apart from you and is seriously pursing D, it's time.
Maybe some of the vets could help you here, I am just muddling thru my H's MLC myself, but sort of assumed you should not answer voice mail? Not sure.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I've read DR, and have used 2 of my 3 coaching sessions already!
It's a fine line in with communications. You can upset them if you ignore them. But if you reply to everything, and right away, you can look too needy and pursuing. Definitely no right answer to that one.
So hard not to try to grade each encounter, assigning points to how well I stuck to DB principles or not. Today, it must have been about 50/50, I don't know.
I slipped up and let a few things come out about how she will take her issues to another relationship, etc. etc. And I may have focused too much on myself by expressing how hard it was to go from making a new life in a new house to being left at the old place with no car, etc. And I did point out that the way I acted for the last few years was due to depression, not that I'm some kind of monster...
But sometimes when you wake up to an anger filled email, discussions of the big D and such, it's all you can do to hit 50%, ya know?
On the other hand, I did try my best to reiterate how I understand why she felt unfulfilled, unloved, etc. And I thanked her for discussing things this much and said we hadn't talked that much about anything in ages.
The fact that she still reaches back to dredge up anything she can to throw at me really shows how well MWD understands the WAW syndrome. She seems to be working so hard to turn everything into a confrontation, and she's only seeing the bad stuff. When I do slip up and mention something positive, she just changes the subject to something else bad, instead of responding to it or denying it.
JUICY TIDBITS HERE: She actually threatened to tell my mother if I did something... can't remember exactly. Maybe it was just if I was difficult. Don't really feel like picking thru the flood of emails. She also threatened me not to contact the OM, or "she'd never speak to me again." Which seems like an odd threat considering how hard she works to convince me I'm the last person she'd ever want to speak to.
Fool that I am, I still believe we could get through this, if the door can just be left open a crack. If things go wrong at all with OM, I honestly think she'd turn to me. Maybe I'm delusional, but I do still believe this.
