In the morning I went with validate: I'm sorry you feel like that. Did you think I didn't care?
wow..it's really a good one.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
I'm a sucker. When she wrote you never ever fought for her I thought aww she's loosing her guard down and being more like the person you married in the first place. But then when you go validating that she came back saying your actions shows that you don't care... that makes me think she's in a playing mode again.
What actions?!? She's the one who went all crazy with calling you names and wanting to file a D. I mean what makes her think you had to fight for her when she was calling you cxxx! idk what the vets would think but now may be a chance to call out on her irrational behavior while validating her feelings? I! That alone sounds like a very difficult thing to do but at least she's letting her guard down a bit. Just a thought..
This really proves she's so confused by new you - she's doesn't know how to handle new you, who's capable of standing up for himself.
M37 H36 M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist 7/12:H broke down 10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after 1/13:H wants to leave 2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving 3/13: S begins
That was a good answer. You cant control what she thinks, heck it's hard to even tell what she really thinks.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You could be right. I'm trying not over think her thoughts or labug starts to reach for her 2x4.
The last thing she sent didn't require and answer and I had nothing to say so I was going to leave it.
She text me again 10 minutes later. "Do you have an arial lead? (for TV)"
I said: "No, ask your Mom."
She said: "OK"
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
That reply was to SLU but I suppose it also works for adinva.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
My posts may sound like 2x4s but I don't have those kinds of punitive thoughts when I'm writing. I'll have to think about that.
I don't think 2x4s work...on anyone. I can't control you any more that you can control your W.
I think you're doing a good job, you're beginning to think in different ways which is difficult but if we never try difficult things we never get anywhere.
Don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect, just make a promise to yourself to make small improvements everyday.
When you aren't focusing on what your wife is saying or thinking you have a lot more time to spend on you. There's a lot said about your W trying to control you but the answer to that lies in you. No on can control you unless you let them. Your thoughts and actions are your responsibility.
I asked you several posts back what your values are...so do you have an answer?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
My posts may sound like 2x4s but I don't have those kinds of punitive thoughts when I'm writing. I'll have to think about that.
I don't think 2x4s work...on anyone. I can't control you any more that you can control your W.
I think you're doing a good job, you're beginning to think in different ways which is difficult but if we never try difficult things we never get anywhere.
Don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect, just make a promise to yourself to make small improvements everyday.
When you aren't focusing on what your wife is saying or thinking you have a lot more time to spend on you. There's a lot said about your W trying to control you but the answer to that lies in you. No on can control you unless you let them. Your thoughts and actions are your responsibility.
I asked you several posts back what your values are...so do you have an answer?
I am thinking differently, I even get a little high when I do it too. It's makes me wish I had tried it earlier in life.
When I text W this morning I didn't even really care that much if she even replied. It was nice not have the amount anxiety I have had in the past.
When you ask what my values are do you mean things like honesty, integrity etc?
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
See? Now you think you've got to VALIDATE her stupid remarks at 1:00 in the morning!
That is not validating, T. She was after a reaction, and you took the bait. Why oh why do you think it is DBing to answer every time she sends one of her "messages"? She didn't even ask a question!
You need to recognize when she is doing a temperature check. That's all she was doing, checkling to see if she could get you to react to her pitiful little sob in the wee hours of the morning. My gosh, if you can't pass on that little test, how could you hope to resist when she comes on with sex? I know, you can't see her doing it, but I'm telling you to be watching. My gosh, she can work you without even breaking a fingernail !
Look, she is repeating the same old behavior patterns. As long as you keep responding in the same old ways, why would she try to change? How could you expect to have a different MR?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I did do something different. I didn't argue with her and I didn't respond at 1.00 am. I left it until 9:30. She didn't get the reaction that she would have gotten from me previously. If that had happened a while ago I would have argued that I did fight for her and tried to convince her off something R related.
Fair enough it might not have been the right thing to do. I thought she was reaching out.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
But some of us tried to tell you this sort of stuff would come from her. Remember you asking for some signs or examples to look for? I gave you the one where she'll try to set you up for sex. You immediately thought that hercoming on to you would not happen b/c of how mad she was and threatening to get a lawyer to proceed with a D. Yet, you actually believe she eas reaching out to you? This came what......24 or 48 hours after she was giving you grief over seeing you babies?
What is you idea of her reaching out to you? What would be the goal? I hope LTH will come back and help me explain the terrible truth about a WAW. She lays it out there, hoping you will start dealing out of a realistic mindset who is no longer blinded by the ways of the WAW'S.
In the meantime, let me throw this out there. In the future when you get messages from her, do not automatically think she's reaching out to you. The only reason she would reach out now would be to b1tch at you more. And that is not what you need to listen to. You sure don't need to take a chance of getting lured back into that unhealthy situation again.
Frankly, you need to emotionally detach from her with the phone messages from her, set up a time to talk to the kids, but don't get into any R talks. You were told to keep it about the kids. Continue to keep it about the kids. When she starts to see her fantasy castle fall down, and she sees you have grown and getting better, but she will use her old techniques of control. If you won't take her bait, and tell her if she is serious about it, she will help from a doctor, therapist, someone who knows how to get her standing on two healthy legs with a very stable mind.
I
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
