I agree bug, thought the same thing when I read it. Sounds grueling. Kids aren't clueless, and they learn what they live.
My H sacrificed happiness for a couple of years, and at the risk of mindreading there was probably an element of wanting to keep the kids' family together as well as probably some fear of change and some inertia. He sacrificed so much happiness that it became completely evident that he was finding all his joy, expressing all his personality, having all his fun, outside the house with other people. I sacrificed my happiness too and became frustrated and hurt by how much I was sacrificing and how long our life together seemed to stretch in front of me. I was willing to do it, but my resentment seeped out. H and I bickered and snapped at each other. There was no light in our eyes looking at each other. There was no kissing or hugging, no warmth or interest. My kids were learning that husbands and wives don't touch. They were learning that husbands and wives are adversaries and are irritating to each other. My H seemed to fall into depression and spent our son's 12th or 13th year IN BED in the dark avoiding all of us and playing on his ipad. I doubt that was a conscious choice. If you decide you will do without happiness on purpose, you don't know what your body and your mind will do in response, that you will not choose or have control over.
I think it was arrogant of my H to decide that he didn't need to be happy and he would stay and inflict himself on me with no effort or intention to improve our marriage. I think my willingness to commit my life to tolerating him instead of holding him up as my husband and cherishing him was less noble and principled than rigid and shortsighted. He deserved better, and I deserved better.
One person can create change. One person can't control the other but by becoming different the relationship can't help but be different. It's a shame I learned that way too late for our family, but I'm glad I learned it because I like myself a lot more now.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
