To little Too late

[adinva]

Yes those sound like good next steps. You write a lot to your w about how important her happiness is, in order for your daughter to be happy and secure. What you dont seem to understand is that your feelings matter too, just as much. You seem resigned to living in misery. Stop the black and white thinking. Your daughter needs a happy dad too.

A lot of people here start out with a very specific view of happiness that requires specific actions and feeling on the part of their WAS. They think they need their WAS in order to live. Even crumbs would be enough. Over time here, if you follow along certain threads, you will see it is possible to be happy and at peace no matter what your W does or feels. It is called saving yourself. It may save your marriage, it may not, but sacrificing yourself is not saving your marriage, and lecturing and arguing is not saving your marriage.

This site has thousands of posts for a reason. These people and these ideas can help you become a happy whole healthy individual any woman would be a fool to leave. One whose soul is not going to shrivel up and die if she leaves anyway. One who works at only the things within his control, who can release the things that are not.

What your w think feels and does are not within your control. Let them go. Let them be what they are, they will change.

Everyone here has started with a spouse who is DONE. Yours is no different. She has had to work hard to convince you because you were arguing and pleading so much, so she had to give you the dead eyes and the harsh words to get you to listen. But no one here can predict the future. Arguing and fighting her will push her away. Letting her go, validating her feelings, and turning over a new leaf -for you- will demonstrate to her that you are not what she had come to expect. She may be curious. Her heart may soften.

Feelings change. But she would only look back if she thought marriage to you would be different and better than before. What would you do differently? What can you do starting now to change yourself? What about you do you think you would need to change to be attractive to a potential future date? Why werent you that for your w?

A lot of us got lazy, complacent, rude, or thoughtless in our marriages. It takes a lot of time and practice to become a better person but it is so worth it. Doing it only to win back your w is a recipe for failure because she will think, and probably rightly so, that it will all slip away again in time. The trick is to fix yourself with no hope or expectation of your W, just for you. Be the very best man, the dad, the human being you can be. What a great thing that will be for your daughter.

You believe you put on a convincing act, but your sad sack words of resignation and sacrifice must or will eventually show through. Your integrity demands that you correct your thoughts because that is where your feelings originate, so that your inside matches your outside. Stop acting like a victim, a jellyfish at the mercy of the currents of W's decisions. Find inner peace and happiness regardless of your situation. It can be done but it isnt easy and it takes time and practice.

Sandi's rules are a great place for you to be right now. Some i dont much care for because they seem like game playing. I want you to honestly take care of and find yourself. Look for the rules that help you feel as good about yourself as possible. I see that you are using your daughter to prop you up; you've been badly hurt. Your feelings matter. Process them, work them out at the gym, help yourself heal by taking focus off your w and onto you: with a new hobby, a new group of friends, better health and fitness. Your w wants space, give her all the space she needs. Dont bring up the relationship and if she does try to listen and validate only. She is not interested in your feelings right now, do not push them on her. Back off emotionally, detach. Look at the rules that seem to address these concepts and focus on them above the others.

In your marriage, it sounds like the physical separation has been a problem allowing you to grow apart. Your priority was work first, then it sounds like daughter next, your marriage farther down the list. What do you think needs to change? What else have you learned from W about what was wrong with your marriage?

If i am right that your absence played a role, then your 180s might involve being present. Not in a pushy intrusive way bc right now W dies not want you. But in an optional way. Like: W, im taking some vacation from work to do a fun camping trip to bond with D and if you want the time to yourself thats fine but i want you to know youre welcome to come, no strings attached, just simple fun.

I chose that example to show gal, initiative, fun, spontaneity, prioritizing family, but nonthreatening and no pressure. Option to stay home clear; welcome to come along clear. Her choice and you dont care one bit which one she chooses. Because youre doing it for YOU. And then really live up to that. Shut down any relationship discussion with "w i hear how unhappy youve been and i do wish id done a few things differently but this trip is a vacation from all that so i would like to hold off on the deep discussion if you dont mind. Wanna play rummy?" I'm sort of acting this out to guve you some clear examples but i would like you to think of your own ideas that ring true for you.

Tell me, what are you going to do first to work toward a pma (positive mental attitude)?