I have never been so frustrated with another person in my life. We went out last night for the first time in who knows how long (months?). We saw "The Heat". It was very funny. There was no tension, we got along well. It was a good time.
After the movie, I ask her if she wanted to go out and get a drink. She said she had to get up early so would just rather go home. Since we were coming from different activities, we drove seperately. I said, Ok, I will see you at home.
She got home just before me. She was sitting in her car on the phone. I go inside to wait for her. 45 minutes later, she is still outside on her phone. I finally text her that "I am trying hard to be understanding, but this is extremely rude"
A few minutes later, she comes in. She says, "Would you rather I talk in the house". I said, "I thought we were going to spend some time together. I would expect you to say, 'I am spending the evening with my husband, can I call you back tomorrow?'" I get nothing back but a blank stare. I understand that our relationship is strained, but she displays this lack of etiquite with everyone, not just me. I really hate that phone.
The primary purpose of going out was to finish the talk we had Tuesday night. I was picking D6 up at work and she asked if I was filing for divorce. I told her "yes, in the morning". Then we had a brief discussion, but it was in a parking lot, D6 was in the car and we could only talk for a few minutes. So, I was hoping to finish the conversation when we had more time and in private.
So finally, 3 days after I announced that I had filed for D, we had a chance to talk. Essentially, I asked her if she doesn't want to be divorced, and doesn't want to be married, then what does she want? We talked for about an hour and I am just baffled by her thinking.
Essentially, she can't figure out how to continue the life she is currently living that makes her "Happy". She can't live with me (too much tension), and she can't live without me (Financial and child care issues). She is extremely angry at me for filing for D and making her make a decision. Here are some key points that she made:
1) If I cared about the kids and wasn't so selfish, then I would just suck it up and keep living the way we are living without creating so much conflict.
2) She asked for space and wants a year to figure out if moving forward without me is what is best for her. If I really cared about her and the kids, I would move out, keep paying all the bills and let her figure this out. I said that she was free to move out, but this is my home. It is unfair to ask me to wait in the marriage as her "Plan 'B'" while she looks for something better.
3) She re-iterated how she doesn't love me, doesn't want to spend time with me, etc.... The marriage will never heal. She is 100% sure that we have no future.
Fine, this is all stuff I have heard before. I clearly understand what she is thinking and has been thinking for the last year. If we have no future, and she has no interest in working on the marriage, then we should move forward and get a divorce. I tell her that "I hear you, I filed, and I am ready to work with you on ending this marriage."
Then she tells me "No". She is not going to get divorced. She wants to stay in the house, and be with her kids every night (apparently she hasn't noticed that she is gone almost every night, but I digress).
So, if I am going to make her choose between "being a wife" and "being happy" she will choose to "be a wife". She will stop going out, stop travelling to Haiti, end her new friendships and just be miserable and depressed. But, for my sake, she will put on a happy face and give me whatever I want. She will be the perfect wife and I will never really know how miserable she is.
This is not a sarcastic tongue in cheek comment. After thinking things through, this is really her plan. She said that I have "Won" and that I am going to get what I want. She is the victim.
I explained that I want a real wife and a real marriage and if this is truly her heart, then it is time for a divorce. I asked if we could sit down sometime next week and try to come to an understanding about terms. She said "No" that she had decided that she didn't want a divorce and was not going to talk to me about it.
She just wants to know how long she has before she has to start being "The perfect wife". Can she at least keep living the way she is for the rest of the summer. How much time does she have to be "Happy" before she has to be "miserable" and fake being "Happy"? Again, in her mind, this is a real question.
So to summarize: she won't work on the marraige, won't get a divorce and doesn't understand why I just don't put up with this for the sake of the kids. I guess that is why there are lawyers. It is going to be a rough year.
