Has Christine graduated to piecing?

[ChristineE]

Hello everyone out there in Db land!

I've been lurking around and posting on other threads and I realized that I haven't posted in awhile here on my thread.

Life is pretty good here with my "new" R with H. He seems to be making an effort to show appreciation and love. I'm still in shock over it all. I wake up and I have to pinch myself that this is all real!

I was talking to a friend about "extreme makeovers" and I really liked the analogy. I feel as if I have undergone an extreme makeover internally. I react so differently now that I have learned DBing. In fact, my H made an offhand comment the other day about how I "never" argue with him. Wow, 5 months ago he was saying that I always argue with him and that was one of the reasons that he wanted a D.

BTW, I was going through my old threads to get some information for my C and I realized that one whole thread during the holidays is gone. MIA! That's really too bad because this was the thread where my H was behaving at his worst. His head was spinning and he was throwing up green stuff. I was on the verge of calling for the exorcist. I think that it was during this time frame that I did my best DB work. It's too bad that it is missing.

This reminds me of another element of DBing that really helped me pull this off. DON'T LOSE YOUR COOL NO MATTER WHAT! It's like being a secret agent. One false move and you're dead. STAY CALM AT ALL COSTS. DON'T REACT WITH EMOTION. IF YOU CAN'T BE CALM, THEN DON'T SAY ANYTHING.

DBing has been a miracle for me (the thong helped too).

Christine

[seattlehopeful]

Hi Christine

Great to hear things are going so well for you! You deserve it for working so hard and your great attitude! Please keep us up to date on how things are going for you, it continually gives all of us faith. That and your wonderful posts supporting us, and the thong of course.

I was also trying to find your thread the other day too, the one prior to this one. I thought it was in Newbies but I couldn't find it there either. If you come across it, would you please link? Thank you. Take care of yourself.

Hugs Seattlehopeful

[ChristineE]

Hi everyone,

Please bear with me if there are typos in this post. I just had lasik this afternoon and, even though I am seeing better than I ever have in my life, the computer is quite blurry.

I had a shocker tonight! Things were going along quite well since Jan 23. Just the other day H and I were discussing refinancing the house and our trip this summer to Machu Pichu. However, in the last couple of days I have noticed a shift. Wednesday, on my birthday, H and I were having some pre- fun and then I suggested that we go to the bedroom. He said no at first, then he agreed. Hmmm. He had seemed agitated for the last couple of days.

Tonight, after my surgery, he suggested that we go out to dinner. I was up to it as long as he realized that I am not 100% due to my surgery (but I seem to improve by the minute...it's amzing). During dinner, he asked me what "my" plans were for refinancing the house. I jokingly replied that "we" were going to do this and that. He said, "No 'we' are not going to do that. Don't you remember what I told you?" He went on to say that he felt like everything that he discussed with me regarding S was in vain and that I was in a fantasy. I said that I though that we were working things out. He replied that it was all just superficial and, if I didn't see it, then I was even more delusional than he originally thought.

I started getting those old insecure feelings again and I asked if something had happened recently. Then I backed off and he said that he wanted to talk tomorrow and that things haven't changed.

This is so weird! Just earlier we were talking about putting his daughter on our insurance, but we would have to wait until NOvember. I really wasn't expecting this! This is a new one for me.

I have noticed that he was a bit crancky the last few days, but I wasn't expecting another bomb. I'm wondering if the OW is rearing her pretty little head.

Thoughts from my friends please!

Christine

[Livnlearn]

Oh Dear, Christine

I just came over to see if you would visit my thread, but you seem to have more on your plate than even I have.

I guess having come this far and through so much $hit, you will just have to carry on with your DBing? It was obviously working, but what now? Wish I could be more helpful, I really don't know myself.

Livnlearn

[merrick]

My Christine alarm just went off!!! Someone in NY care about you, so {{{{{{{{{{Christine}}}}}}}}}}}}.

First--take a deep breath, and another, and another.
Second, happy to hear the surgery went well.

Now, don't let your head run wild, but obviously,
you have to think about all that has been going on recently and try and get a sense of the landscape. While you sitch got so much better, I don't recall you ever discussing any resolution of the the underlying issues that brought you here in the first place. If you've done so, great--think about those talks.

I know others may disagree, but I think full M recovery requires some deeper exploration of these past R issues to move forward--AND, with a good C if you find one (I hope to have the chance one day).

Shades of OW are not inconceivable, especially if you were away for a while, and he had not shed this part of of his life. Still, they may be just thoughts in his head as opposed to any actual ongoing contact, so don't let meandering thoughts of a worst case scenario paralyze you.

Get back to doing exactly what brought you two together in January. Think, be positve, and be solution-based. You've already succeeded once; there should be no doubt you can succeed again. KOFTGF

Merrick

[ChristineE]

Thanks Liv and Merrick,

I'm so grateful for those who have supported me through all of this turmoil. BTW, it has been several hours since my last post and my vision has improved quite a bit since then. This technology is a miracle! I don't even have any pain.

Merrick, you are so right about the issues not being resolved. I have had two sessions with a new C that is familiar with Michele's work. The main reason for me going to C was to figure out how to deal with the A and all of the suffering that I went through. I had been acting as if for so long and I didn't know how to resolve the issues from that.

I know that I shouldn't let my thoughts run wild, but when I spoke with Ellen Kreidnam (author of "Light His Fire") she said that a man won't just leave his W and ness up his life and family if he didn't have somewhere to go. I tend to agree.

This is all just such a big surprize. Just last week when stepD13 was herer for spring break, we were discussing where we would like to go for vacation this year. Next weekend we are supposed to do a weekend getaway somewhere of his choosing. He hadn't chosen a place yet but I wasn't worried because he is such a procrastinator. I figured I would give him a little nudge this weekend.

Once again, I shouldn't take anything for granted. If things are going well then we need to get to a place where it is clear where we stand.

This evening after we returned from dinner, he fell asleep on the sofa. I felt that this was his way of avoiding any furhter discussion (which I didn't want to have anyway). When we went to bed he gave me hug and a kiss and said that he was glad that the surgery was successful. He said ILT and it was as if nothing had changed.

ALIENS PLEASE GO AWAY! YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. PLEASE LEAVE MY H ALONE!!! WHAT MORE DO YOU WNAT FROM US?

Christine

[SuitedUp]

Hi Christine,

Congrats on the lasik. I had it last May and a touch on the R eye in November and it's an extraordinary thing to see unaided.

I've read your sitch occassionally and while your sitch turned around relatively quickly, you gotta keep up the good work for a long, long time to come. I'm not saying that you slackened off, it's just that these things need to run their course and so long as you keep up the DBing, all will be well.

I've been piecing for just over a year now and the first 9 months were tough. Mostly because I'd occassionally drop the ball or W would show alien symptoms and appear that she was not working on the M. These episodes lasted upto 3 weeks so I'd like to tell you that while you shouldn't take it seriously (but we all do), it is important to rise above it and to keep above it all. I can see that you are doing that and it's this quality in DBing which is most valuable.

Suit

[rj2]

The crankiness could definitely have been a factor, I see my H go to negative extremes in that kind of mood, for sure.... He hates everything in those moods. Also, maybe H threw out a dagger in a way to regain control kind of thing? Control over crazy feelings inside, which in all honesty have nothing to do with you, but you get blamed for it since you're closest? Sometimes the tiniest things set it off, it's like a chip on his shoulder that he needs to resolve. Perhaps there are some new insights you can find about what sets him off, see if you can identify if there is pattern or anything you could do different, if there seems to be anything that you might have done that gets to him the wrong way? I come from a weird perspective, I guess, since I have had WAW in me. At times in the past I must confess, I threatened leaving H. Each time it was because he did something to make me feel unloved that I was unnecessarily sensitive to. Perhaps there is some deep issue of H's that gets set off? Worth some reflection, anyhow. Nonetheless, I've found what's best is to lie super low when H is cranky, like tornado passing through. The more I leave him alone and don't react, respect his space, the sooner he comes back and is his nicer old self again. Sounds like you pulled that off when you ended up getting an ILY later on! Keep up with the DB and being calm, cool. Know in your heart, H does care deep and has not left.

[Livnlearn]

Nonetheless, I've found what's best is to lie super low when H is cranky, like tornado passing through. The more I leave him alone and don't react, respect his space, the sooner he comes back and is his nicer old self again.

Very true. Having to wrestle with a problem over on my thread, and just leaving it for a day, thinking about it and basically giving H the benefit of the doubt - he had a bad day and got cranky - may do the trick, I suspect.

It's when first the WAS gets the bit between the teeth and goes mad with wild allegations and mad behaviour, and then we react with a knee-jerk reaction, that things spiral out of control into nastyland.

Best to rise above it all. Like Mount Kilimanjaro, with its peak floating above the clouds. You're a prize winner in that department, Christine, well done you!

Livnlearn

[ChristineE]

Thanks Suitedup, Rj3 and Livn for lending and ear. It's so comforting to know that there are so many caring people on the board.

Well this morning I was feeling a bit insecure given the comment that H made. I guess I was searching for some sort of reassurance and, since things had been going really well up until last night, I still had confindence in some areas. So here's what I did:

H drove me to my follow up lasik appt at 8:30. When we came back home he said that he wanted to go back to bed (he's been sleeping a lot lately...I've attributed it to his ongoing depression). He went into the guest room and shut the door so he could smoke (he's still doing that too). After about 15 mins I put on the lingerie that he picked out for me on Valentine's Day. I walked into the room and said, "Do you know what this outfit is for?" He looked up and said, "yes". I asked "Who picked it out?" He replied "I did." I asked again, "Would you like to pick out another?" He said, "Yes". So far so good.

So I decided to indulge him in his favorite pasttime (I mentioned his disciplinary fetish in an earlier thread). I started to scold him and tell him that I didn't like his behavior in the last couple of days. I told him that he was very naughty and this type of behavior must stop. I will not tolerate it. He replied to all of this with a submissive, "Yes Dear". I prodeeded to spank him with our new English wooden hairbrush and I continued to scold him. I told him that I will not tolerate him returning to the old behavior and I will be watching him very closely to make sure he is an obedient husband. This continued for a long time and I made him apologize and then we ML .

I have to admit that I initiated this interaction as a type of temperature check and I do feel a little better right now. However, I know that I still have my work cut out for me. I think that we need to start addressing some of the unresolved issues.

He's still agreeable to going away next weekend, so I gave him a deadline of this evening for him to pick the place. I am still determined to have an A with H so that no one else will.

Christine