subguy, just letting you know I am very impressed with the work you have done on yourself, and that I can accept and understand how hard it is to let go of 23 years of marriage and co-dependency. I am not at your level, but slowly getting there.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
You are right subguy. After M, we (both spouse) forgot how to live life. Too preoccupied with making a better living and caring for the kids. Just didn't have enough time for ourselves. That I suppose creates resentment towards oneself over time. Thanks for helping me realize this.
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Thanks hot wheels and planet, hope things are looking up for you two.
Forgiveness and my journey to figure out what that looks like. I had an eye opening experience about forgiveness, it's long and complicated and I'll just cut to the chase. I had a hard time seeing what forgiveness looked like, how would i feel, act and be. I've never been hurt this bad before and it took a lot of soul searching, prayer, and a big dose of divine guidance. Here is my view on forgiveness.
Forgive and forget: that's a lie told by the devil to keep us confused, angry and hurt. We will never be able to forget and that's okay. Being able to remember hurts and pain is a protective instinct or else we would continually put our fingers in a light socket and get shocked. So I had to drop the notion that I would "forget" the pain and accept it.
Hurts: Even though I have forgiven my STBX I still hurt over the loss of my marriage. I had the notion that forgiving meant I had to no longer be hurt and that kept me stuck. It's okay that I hurt and grieve the loss of my marriage.
boundaries: Forgiveness does not mean I allow myself to continue to be hurt by this person. Protect yourself, set up boundaries and heal. All of this can be done in a way that minimizes the pain inflicted upon the other person and allows me the time and space to heal.
Friendship: I do not have to be friends with the person that I am forgiving. If I am able to forge or rekindle a friendship with the person than that is a bonus but not necessary.
So... with that said what does forgiveness look like to me? It's the releasing of the anger and the feeling of a need for retribution, not having the desire to punish or see the other person hurt because of my pain. This realization has allowed me to be free of the constant image loop in my head that I had to replay to stoke the need for retribution. Freedom for me is what forgiveness looks like. I have truly set her free and now look forward to what my life ahead has to offer.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Subguy, I've had this reply in mind for a week and just now getting to writing it out.
About the pain, pain always accompanies change and growth. It'a a part of the process. It came to me while doing yoga one day that when I do certain poses or new poses, I feel some pain and if I fight it by tightening up and holding my breath it increases. But if I recognize the pain, relax and remind myself to breathe, it eases and I can go a little further or hold the pose a bit longer.
I think that's helpful for the pain in our soul, too. Accept and allow, breath into it. It doesn't take it away but it allows us to work through it. To each day get a little further in our journey.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Subguy, I've had this reply in mind for a week and just now getting to writing it out.
About the pain, pain always accompanies change and growth. It'a a part of the process. It came to me while doing yoga one day that when I do certain poses or new poses, I feel some pain and if I fight it by tightening up and holding my breath it increases. But if I recognize the pain, relax and remind myself to breathe, it eases and I can go a little further or hold the pose a bit longer.
I think that's helpful for the pain in our soul, too. Accept and allow, breath into it. It doesn't take it away but it allows us to work through it. To each day get a little further in our journey.
Good analogy bug... I am allowed to hurt and be in pain and that's okay. I'm learning to roll with it.
Originally Posted By: StubbornDyke
Excellent description, Subguy. I nominate that post for a sticky.
Thank you SD, I really hope someone gets some use out of it. It took a lot out of me to get to this point and I really would not trade my new found knowledge of true forgiveness for anything. I feel different now, like I'm supposed... better.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
Subguy, I made sure I don't forget the W or one of the things she said that hurt. She said in a letter "sometimes we simply don't get a second chance..." So I have taken it to heart literally, and got a tattoo over my heart.
"No Second Chances" Wife Nov 89 - Oct 12
My married date and BD date. This tattoo means a lot to me. Makes me remember a lot of heartache but also to move on and take note of it.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Tonight is kind of weird, I am feeling really sad and anxious. I'm not sure why, I think i'm just really worn out. I'm gonna try to get to sleep a little early tonight and see how tomorrow goes.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
