Sorry I left you all hanging there for so long but I wanted to wait to see how this all played out before I posted. We've all been on enough roller coaster rides and I didn't want to have you ride this one with me. What a week! I think I may have blown it when he called today so hack away at me. LOL It's okay, really, I've been to he!! and back today.
The ow left on Tuesday but came back yesterday. They must have talked and straightened everything out. He left a message this morning to say his daily "hi" so I waited till this afternoon to call him. He asked the usual questions and then turned it into a R talk. He blindsided me and I wasn't prepared for it but he told me that he felt like he was at a point where he wants to commit to this r with the ow and that things were going well (uh--huh, call last Sunday and Monday's blowout what you want) and added that he couldn't (not wouldn't) ever see himself leaving her there by herself. He also commented that he isn't seeing in her what other people said to be true. (That would be because you're blind to those things, my dear.) Also that he wasn't just feeling the high of the early stages of a relationship etc. He made it clear that he wasn't going to be coming back to live here, that he didn't think it was right for him to keep me in the dark about what is going on. He told me in so many words, without saying D, that he felt that I wasn't going to be able to move on until we made some more permanent changes or something along that line. He danced around just about everything he said so I was trying to interpret what he was saying as he spoke. The guilt was showing through big time! I did get a chance to say that "you know this isn't what I want" but if that's what you feel is best for you" then you should do that. I had a sense of dread that he had already filed and was surprised when he said that we needed to talk about it first. We'll see about that one.
A short time later he said that if I felt the need to file then he would understand. The comment that I responded with was that I was doing okay with things right now and that I'd think about what he said. I know I blew it there but I couldn't control my tongue!! So in a way he put it on my shoulders. Knowing him as I do and knowing the ow and her manipulative ways, he will be the one to file if I don't do anything immediately. He told me that he loved me and respected me too much to keep me in limbo like this. I told him that I felt the same about him but that I didn't feel like I was in limbo. I let him know that I was continuing to live my life for me and that I would let him know when that changed.
There was too much more to the conv. to relate but I felt like he was being forced into a decision so the ow probably made that part of her agreement to return....get rid of the wife or I won't come back. Remember, she told him that he was afraid of a commitment to their relationship just 4 days ago. He broke down when he was talking about how hard it was to do this blah, blah, blah and that I seemed so rational and calm about it. I did say that it was hard for me to think that we were at this point. I didn't say it but I was tempted to add...for no reason. He has yet to voice complaints or rewrite our past.
I have to say that I sensed that he didn't really want to file but he felt it was the "right thing to do" but made it sound more like it was for my benefit than his own (yeah, right).
We all know that I won't do it but I don't know what to do next. Go completely dark? No contact?
I'm numb and pretty much fell apart when I hung up the phone. This really hurts and I just don't know what I need to do. Advice welcomed and needed!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
