Fantasy meets Reality

[Notlikingthis]

Hi everyone,

Sorry I left you all hanging there for so long but I wanted to wait to see how this all played out before I posted. We've all been on enough roller coaster rides and I didn't want to have you ride this one with me. What a week! I think I may have blown it when he called today so hack away at me. LOL It's okay, really, I've been to he!! and back today.

The ow left on Tuesday but came back yesterday. They must have talked and straightened everything out. He left a message this morning to say his daily "hi" so I waited till this afternoon to call him. He asked the usual questions and then turned it into a R talk. He blindsided me and I wasn't prepared for it but he told me that he felt like he was at a point where he wants to commit to this r with the ow and that things were going well (uh--huh, call last Sunday and Monday's blowout what you want) and added that he couldn't (not wouldn't) ever see himself leaving her there by herself. He also commented that he isn't seeing in her what other people said to be true. (That would be because you're blind to those things, my dear.) Also that he wasn't just feeling the high of the early stages of a relationship etc. He made it clear that he wasn't going to be coming back to live here, that he didn't think it was right for him to keep me in the dark about what is going on. He told me in so many words, without saying D, that he felt that I wasn't going to be able to move on until we made some more permanent changes or something along that line. He danced around just about everything he said so I was trying to interpret what he was saying as he spoke. The guilt was showing through big time! I did get a chance to say that "you know this isn't what I want" but if that's what you feel is best for you" then you should do that. I had a sense of dread that he had already filed and was surprised when he said that we needed to talk about it first. We'll see about that one.

A short time later he said that if I felt the need to file then he would understand. The comment that I responded with was that I was doing okay with things right now and that I'd think about what he said. I know I blew it there but I couldn't control my tongue!! So in a way he put it on my shoulders. Knowing him as I do and knowing the ow and her manipulative ways, he will be the one to file if I don't do anything immediately. He told me that he loved me and respected me too much to keep me in limbo like this. I told him that I felt the same about him but that I didn't feel like I was in limbo. I let him know that I was continuing to live my life for me and that I would let him know when that changed.

There was too much more to the conv. to relate but I felt like he was being forced into a decision so the ow probably made that part of her agreement to return....get rid of the wife or I won't come back. Remember, she told him that he was afraid of a commitment to their relationship just 4 days ago. He broke down when he was talking about how hard it was to do this blah, blah, blah and that I seemed so rational and calm about it. I did say that it was hard for me to think that we were at this point. I didn't say it but I was tempted to add...for no reason. He has yet to voice complaints or rewrite our past.


I have to say that I sensed that he didn't really want to file but he felt it was the "right thing to do" but made it sound more like it was for my benefit than his own (yeah, right).

We all know that I won't do it but I don't know what to do next. Go completely dark? No contact?

I'm numb and pretty much fell apart when I hung up the phone. This really hurts and I just don't know what I need to do. Advice welcomed and needed!

[MileHigh]

"...that I was doing okay with things right now and that I'd think about what he said."

I think that was a pretty good response, for being on the spot and with all that was dropped on you.

[Notlikingthis]

Thanks dmr. I felt like a db failure. I'm sure that there were things that I could have said that would have been more effective but was, as usual, at a loss. On the positive side, I did remember what to say when he danced around the subject of D.

I haven't made it through all of your threads but I have to say WOW, you have been through a LOT and for so many years.

It sounds like you're settling down a bit so keep working on yourself and try to be as patient as you can with your w. It's terribly hard to juggle all of this while trying to keep a PMA. So many emotions to deal with.

Thank God for this board. I come here as often as possible to read and learn from others' situations and what works for them.

I'm still at a loss as to what to do from here on. Thanks for stopping by with your comment.

[Notlikingthis]

Oh, I just remembered another thing that my h said during the course of that conv. earlier today. I thought it odd that he would bring it up but he said that when he saw that I wasn't wearing my wedding rings any longer that he'd know that it was over for me. Guess I better be sure and keep them on..... or not depending on the reaction that I want! LOL I noticed that he is still wearing his so I guess he was telling me something with that comment. If I see him I'll have to take notice. I'm terrible about things like that. Looking into his eyes tells me volumes more than anything else so I stay focused on his eyes.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi NLT! (I still like that name!) Sorry to hear H moved out and is talking about filing.

First of all, you are NOT a DB failure! You're doing great... the best you can right now.

I keep looking at the 34 years you all have together, and the fact that like my W, your H opens up to you even still. He's connected to you girl, he's just massively confused right now.

You said you're not ready to file, and it sounds like he mostly wants to do it just to "be fair to you". Sure, OW is pushing him to D too, but who cares about her. She'll burn him and their relationship soon enough. Continue to let him know you are ok. Stall him from filing any way possible. We all know his fantasy relationship is doomed to failure.

No matter what he says, there is still some doubt in his mind whether or not jumping ship to OW is a wise move. PLAY ON THIS!

Things I would say:

If you're sure this is best...

Well, if you think so...

and my favorite:

I'm sure you'll figure everything out.

He's looking to you for response. Plan your words ahead of time! (and rehearse them)

The fact that you've posted much less than some of us have tells me that you're much stronger than you think.

I also wouldn't allow him to tell you that D is for your benefit. Next time he feeds you this line assure him that you know what's best for you.

You can do this NLT, Bust On!

[RosaLinda]

Hi NLT. I agree with Forever - you did really well, especially with that conversation coming out of left field like that. His crazy OW will probably be pushing him to file, but hold strong and delay if he does. She's using him. And is crazy. She will drive him crazy too. Their relationship has no solid basis and is doomed to fall apart. 

Hang in there, and keep wearing those rings. 

[Notlikingthis]

FY, Thanks for the encouragement. I do think that the fact that he keeps talking to me is a good thing in most ways. It's hard to listen to but I'd rather know where his crazed mind is at than to be kept in the dark.

I'm rehearsing those lines that you posted as we speak! Very appropriate and thought provoking for him. I see him as confused as well but then there is the pull of the ow. She is definitely in this for the $$ and a free ride.

He's turned over the "love nest" budget to her. He tells me that it's not a test of her budgeting abilities but I know that is exactly what it is. She has a history of bankruptcy and has an Imelda Marcos sized shoe wardrobe and in general is a shopaholic. I can see the finances and the amount of money that he's allotted for expenses is reasonable. It's in a separate bank, thank God and I'm still checking our separate finances several times a day to be sure than none of the "real money" has been touched. It may take her awhile but at some point she is likely to blow the budget money on herself instead of bills. That will be the wake him call that he needs.

I've been keeping up with your situation and I'm seeing some very positives things happening there. She may be saying one thing but her behavior indicates something totally different. You are so patient and so GOOD at this. I admire you and how you've handled not only yourself but your w and her insecurities. She is a lot like my h in that she really doesn't want to leave or end your marriage. In both cases, I believe that time is all that they need to make it back to reality. Without counseling it will be hard for her. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she comes to that realization very soon.

Thanks you again for the suggestions and your thoughts. It helps me immensely to have specific "lines" to rehearse ahead of time. I feel armed and dangerous now. LOL!!!!

[Notlikingthis]

Linda, You are so right. That crazy, greedy and manipulative ow is more than likely behind the D talk. I am wondering if she hasn't filed herself and is encouraging him to do the same.

I'm doing my best to stay calm and not react to this but it is so hard to visualize the future without him. It's not that I can't live without him it's that I don't want to be without him. What keeps going through my mind is that there were/are no major issues in our marriage. He would surely have brought up those by now and used them as an excuse to leave rather than to take responsibility for his behavior. Longer term marriage do get stale, resentments build, couples drift apart and stop communicating. During our marriage he and I have made it a point to stay connected and talk rather than stuff our resentments and make a point to do something together at least once a week even during the crazy child rearing years. He continues to say that it's HIM and not ME so at this point, he is still taking responsibility. That just doesn't make sense to me.

I've been thinking of calling my daughter, the one that he told about his moving out to let her know his latest thoughts but I hesitate because I know that she will be upset. He told her about what he is doing and even about the ow around month ago and asked her not to tell anyone else. When she asked him whether we were separated he said no and that he had no intention of doing that. Hmmm, what a difference a month makes. It must be like years in the mind of an mlcer. My sense is to wait a bit so I'll grab a bowl of popcorn, a tall cool drink and watch the parade on this dog day afternoon.

[ForeverYoung]

I'm doing my best to stay calm and not react to this but it is so hard to visualize the future without him. It's not that I can't live without him it's that I don't want to be without him.

Exactly how I feel NLT. We've been a team for too long for me to want to be part of a new team. If it does come to it though, I know I'll be fine on my own... and you will be too.

Is your financial future secure in either case?

What keeps going through my mind is that there were/are no major issues in our marriage.

I know, same here! Few to no complaints from W until her Mom passed. I even remember telling her several years back, that she never was a nag. (I'm sweet like that)

W even told me one time, "I know I've had a great life, and should just shut up and be happy, but I can't help feeling there must be something more."

Proof to me that MLC is REAL, and the marriage was never the problem.

[mizjjd]

My sense is to wait a bit

I concur. I mean, look at how much things flipped in the course of just a few days. Wait a few more and take the temperature again.

Too bad your H did that to your daughter. Even grown children need a boundary, I feel.

Take care