Have you read anything on validating stayements? I have these saved on my phone:
"I'm sorry you feel like that" "I hadn't thought of it that way" "I can see how it would feel that way" "I do care. Tell me more about what you're going through" "I am gonna have to think about that a little more" "Hmmm, so you are saying xxx. Let me think about that" "I can see you're really serious about this" "I see this is important to you" "I'd like to respond to you when I'm feeling a little less emotional about this" "I understand why you might feel that way"
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Those are good. I did decide to respond rather than make her mad by ignoring her when she's obviously thinking about the situation.
So, I did say that one of the things she pointed out that I did was indeed stupid of me and that I apologize for it. Another one I just mentioned (I used to keep a picture of our CO house on my computer) - I said I did that just because I was proud of the work I had done on it (she clearly felt it was meant to make her feel bad about us living here).
I left the deeper issues of feelings changing out of it. One important point, though. I know she's right about not wanting to be intimate with someone you feel is mistreating you. That's not what I want to change - rather my behavior that has her feeling that way.
But, that reaction was either based on her past interpretation of events/arguments/etc. or something I said very early on when she left on 7/24 before I gathered my DBing wits about me.
I think the best marriage advice I ever heard outside of DB, DR, or these forums was from Craig Ferguson. It goes like this: "Does this need to be said? Does it need to be said right now? Does it need to be said right now by me?"
I think it took him three wives to figure it out, though. :-/
I've done a lot of reading thru other people's posts, and it is astounding how spot-on MWD is with her analysis of the WAS.
The last couple days as the depression has leveled off and with my baby steps at meditation and counseling, I've been getting a sense of what a tempest must be brewing in W's mind. I do feel for her, both because of the pain she was in for so long (especially during her "checked out" phase) and now. I still have my ups and downs, for sure where hurt or anger get the upper hand over that feeling of empathy for the W. But I keep reminding myself that I don't want to be that person any more. So I try to catch myself and let the angry thoughts drift away. Have to work on this every day as a life-long skill. Don't want to be sad and pitiful or angry! :-)
Anyway, something for all of us LBSs to think about.
Yup DMR, it sure hurts when the person you love the most in the world is in so much emotional pain, and chooses to blame it all on your. And there is not a darned thing you can do about it, trying to point out the truth only makes them hate you worse.
You are doing a great job working on yourself, I hope it all works out for you and W. I'm sure she'll notice all the changes!!
I just noticed you are in NY. I live on Long Island, how about you?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Thanks, Linda. Upstate - right near Saratoga. I have yet to make it out to Long Island, but one of these days! :-)
We had a pleasant email chat - she wanted an update on the kitty, and she said she hoped I'd managed to find a car (long story, but I'm hoofing it right now, which is tough in these parts. Much too rural for that). Taking it at face value and leaving it at that. Just a nice, neutral, brief conversation.
I do still have a problem with overreacting when we have any positive contact. I think I don't realize just how hard it is for her to contact me about stuff, because I know she's feeling very guilty (based on things she's said), plus there's that whole thing about WAW's being in a very angry/defensive state and looking for justification for what they're doing. I have done my very best with what I have said when I reply, but I keep forgetting to let her have the last word sometimes.
Today I texted an unsolicited picture of the cat since she asked abut him yesterday. Have to be very careful about that, because it could easily be seen as trying to manipulate her feelings. And maybe it was. I should know better than that. The reason she asked before was because I had been quit for days.
W texted me about having the credit card bill sent to her. When I went online to look at the bill, because I used it for the car rental, etc. There's a $2,500.00 charge to a law office on there.
